You answer the door before people knock.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don'teven work there.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

Cocaine is a downer.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

People get dizzy just watching you.

You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

You get drunk just so you can sober up.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You don't tan, you roast.

You don't get mad, you get steamed.

You help your dog chase its tail.

Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.