revjack
alt.religion.kibology
I'm filling in a "Personal Wellness Profile" this fine evening, courtesy of my employer. [...] Tootling along with the nice, impersonal questions, I come to Question 42:
42. Social Health
Mark any that apply to you
1. [ ] I am single.
2. [ ] I live alone.
3. [ ] I feel very lonely much of the time.
4. [ ] I am a single parent with children at home.
5. [ ] I am having serious relationship problems.
6. [ ] I've recently experienced a personal crisis
(lost a loved one, divorce, lost job).
7. [ ] I live or work in a high crime area.
8. [ ] My living situation is very crowded.
9. [ ] I am caring for an elderly parent.
10. [ ] I am exposed to domestic violence or abuse.
11. [ ] There is a handgun in my home.
WTF?!?! WHERE DID THAT HANDGUN QUESION COME FROM?!?
WAH! That totally freaked me out, man. It's, like, these are Psycho Assembly Instructions or something.
In article {yOYr6.4469$725.750981@news.uswest.net},
Schwa Love {schwa242@qwest.net} wrote:
12. [x] I am available.
13. [x] Please hug me.
14. [x] Please love me.
15. [ ] My coffee table is littered with pr0n.
16. [x] My coffee table is littered with hentai.
17. [ ] My coffee table is littered with russian mail-order bride
catalogs.
18. [x] I made a joke about guns at school and they didn't take
me seriously. Fools.
19. [x] My marriage is like Andy Capp.
20. [x] My marriage is like The Lockhorns.
21. [x] My marriage is like Garfield.
22. [x] So lonely.
23. [x] It's all a big joke isn't it?
24. [x] The emptiness of my apartment mocks me day and night.
25. [ ] Sometimes I feel like eating Windex and Dran-o for kicks.
26. [x] Someday they will all pay.
27. [x] When I think about all your bases are belong to us I
touch myself.
28. [x] I post articles to usenet.
...
Robert Lindsay, NASA - Goddard, Greenbelt MD rlindsay@seadas.gsfc.nasa.gov added:
666. [x] I am not bitter.
***************************************
On Sun, 5 Aug 2001 21:06:56 -0400, "Tamara" {tamaraharris@sprint.ca}
wrote:
alt.religion.kibology
Okay, So I am sitting in my living room watching my new big teevee and all of a sudden I hear *SPAF!!!* really loud-like. And I looked over to the table to a battery-operated device (holy crap, mang -- way too much fnarr material here!) which just EXPLODIATED!! It simply went *BANG* and the batteries shot clear across the room (and woulda taken an eye out if my eye had've been in its way!!) and it scared the bejeezus out of me and my cats. It was like a gunshot! Really loud!! I turned on the overhead light to investigate further and noticed some weird green shit in the battery compartment. And it was all hot and stuff.
What the hell happened here? It shot the back of the unit off at least 5 feet away! My appliances are freaking me out.
~T
Darla4695 replied:
"Okay." (hitching up pants in futile attempt to conceal delta of
buttcrack) Whatcha got here, Missis Harris, is yer old batries, I
mean really OLD batries, an they leaked outchere, you note this
neon-green slime? Yeah, they leaked and explodiated, like you said."
(more pants-hitching, one nose-wipe with back of hand, one knuckle
crack)
"Could I, could I ask ya there, Missis Harris, exackly what
kind of batrie-operated device this used to be?" (digging splinters of
plastic casing out of the wall behind the new teevee)
******************************************************
marika5000@my-deja.com (marika)
alt.religion.kibology
Today I had a conversation with an employee which was probably a lot
wackier than you are.
I am not her supervisor but she wanted to ask me the possibility of
getting another part time job with us. She has a masters in
literature from an allegedly famous University specializing in Famous
Literary Wannabes. She cannot arrange files alphabetically.
After a long conversation, I made it clear that our office will
probably increase automation and that many jobs may be phased out.
She drew a long breath, and then gave me this I R an intellectual
look, and grinned maniacally as she told me that this trend towards
automation was creating slave labor. If she were standing, she would
have hands akimbo doing that you know I am right pose.
Privately, I wondered if she were perhaps Cobb Anderson's niece in
disguise or something.
I asked her to explain. She said that life is not fair because people
who are not mathematically inclined have difficulty understanding
computers.
Hmmm. I thought. She is a literary person. I am sure that if she has
a masters in literature, she must be inclined to the linguistic arts.
So....I said....computers are easier to learn than French.
No she said, Computers and French are very hard to learn.
I wondered why someone with an advanced liberal arts degree would
conclude that a language was outside of their grasp.
She answered that French is very hard because it is just like math.
I raised my eyebrow, wordlessly, and she persisted....that many people
she knows say that French is just like math.
While I might at first agree that everything is just language, and
that language is just symbolism for what twirls in our heads....
I though I might just check the reasoning here...I asked WHAT ABOUT
SPANISH???
She said, no Spanish is easy it is nothing like math.
Needless to say, she doesn't know Spanish either.
But she does use a computer every day in her job.
Does anyone know anyone who thinks French is just like math???
*********************************
David Bromage {dbromage@fang.omni.com.au}
alt.religion.kibology
[Sent to me by email. The opinions expressed here are not necessarily my own. NB: I agree with most of them!]
I demand the following apologies:
Some Git in Advertising should apologise for inventing the word 'light' (as used to mean 'weak'), then COMPOUNDING THE SIN by spelling it 'lite', and thereby releasing a foul pestilence upon Western culture.
Every Descendent of Christopher Columbus should apologise for their ancestor starting the process that led inexorably to the birth of country music.
You (yes YOU!) should apologise for ever being involved in a discussion of Your Favourite Spice Girl. May God have mercy on your soul.
And while we're on the subject, the Spice Girls should apologise for Spice World. And causing Prince Henry to go through puberty a year early.
Americans should apologise for "apologize".
The Grand Vizier of lying bastards who told me over the speaker system at the multi-cinema complex that "Leaving by the exits at the front of the auditorium will allow you easier access to the car park" should apologise for the 25 minutes I spent wandering around disorientated in semi-darkness trying to find where the hell my car was.
Nancy Kerrigan should apologise for looking like a horse.
The Entire French Film Industry should apologise for Monsieur Hulot. Unreservedly.
Dull Songstress Celine Dion should apologise for... Look, if you're the kind of person who needs me to tell them what's wrong with Celine Dion then GET SOME COUNSELLING!
A Substantial List Of People should apologise for New Zealand being called a country when really it is simply a refulling station for aeroplanes.
Mr Marilyn Manson, Mr Internet, and Mr El Nino should apologise for being evil.
Oprah Winfrey should apologise for being so fucking grateful for everything.
Nike and Reebok should apologise for being wanky.
Pepsi should apologise for wanting to "be" Coke.
Australia should apologise for Yahoo Serious.
Bill Gates should apologise for being an evil bastard who sounds like Kermit the Frog.
John Grisham should apologise for writing the same story over and over and over and over and over and over again. And making millions from it. And for that story being so predictable, since we know it will always finish.... as a really bad film.
The Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, Boyzone and 98 Degrees should apologise for inflicting the world with Spice Boys. (Although I do doubt the gender of some of the prettier ones. Even Baby Spice isn't THAT clean shaven.....)
Pamela Anderson ex-Lee should apologise for adding substantially to the amount of non-biodegradable material polluting our suffering earth.
The script writers and director of First Knight should apologise for letting Lancelot say "C'mon" to Guinevere. And for giving a crap Hollywood happy ending to the legend of King Arthur.
Jennifer Lopez should apologise for having a big butt and looking sexy with it.
Mark David Chapman should apologise for shooting and killing John Lennon.... when he had a clear shot at Yoko!
Elizabeth Hurley should apologise for not admitting sooner how much pleasure she takes in receiving a good spanking. Think how many YEARS of fantasies I have lost from this!
Kevin Costner should apologise for the extended version of Dances With Wolves, and the 4 hours of my life I'll never get back.
The world's airlines should apologise for the 134 hours of sleep they now owe me.
Cyndi Lauper should apologise for inventing that ear destroying caterwauling which seems to be the norm for popular female singers these days.
Christopher Skase should apologise for the commissioning the 3rd, 4th and 5th seasons of Hey Dad..!
The ghost of Gene Roddenberry should apologise for creating an environment in which Star Trek Voyager could be made.
The people of Europe should apologise for reviving Baywatch in international syndication, after it got laughed off American network television.
Jennifer Lopez should apologise again, this time for going from a pretty good actress with a stunning figure to a airhead pop diva with an eating disorder.
The entire nation of Japan should apologise for Pokemon.
Hollywood should apologise to the fine officers and sailors of Britain's Royal Navy for the disappointing mess of a by-the-numbers flick known as U-571, where you come away thinking Americans captured the first Nazi U-boat (it was really the British) Americans captured the Nazi code Enigma (it was really... you guessed it... the British) Americans cracked the Enigma code (it was really... all together now... the British). Credit where it's due, I say! It's not like there aren't enough truly loser nations we could be picking on... like France.
The entire state of Florida should apologise for being easily confused. Too much sun, I say.
Teenage American males should apologise for wearing pants 10 times too large, so they have to hold them up while they run around screeching like mad monkeys.
Skittles should apologise for taking away lime Skittles.
The Coca Cola Company should apologise for New Coke, not only for the taste but for reviving Max Headroom.
Beverly Hills 90210 should apologise for using a Bad Religion song at the end of the final episode of its fascist, rich kid drama. For that matter, Bad Religion should apologise for signing with a label that would allow this type of awful travesty to occur.
Razor Advertisers should apologise. Having just revealed that the previous info-graphic for double bladed razors (in which the first blade lifts the hair so the second can shave you smooth) was a blatant lie, as illustrated by the present info-graphic that reveals there is still hair left for the third blade to shave smooth. Can we ever believe them again?
Alanis Morissette should apologise for that friggin' harmonica.
You Can't Do That On Television should apologise for giving Alanis Morissette a career.
Britney Spears should apologise. For everything.
American actors should apologise for extremely bad impersonations of Irish, English, Australian, German and just about anybody's accents.
Metallica should apologise for starting the campaign that killed Napster. I mean it's not like Metallica is actually music, right?
God should apologise for taking Douglas Adams and leaving George W. Bush. There really is no justice in the universe.
*******************************************