Ever wonder whatever happened to Gordon Gekko after the end of "Wall Street" when the little weiner guy beat him up just for trying to get ahead in life?
Well, not to worry, old Gordo did okay in the GBH lawsuit and opened up a motivational school for people just like you, people who want the advantages in life and are willing to pay for them.
Here are just a few of the tips you can learn at the Cayman Islands School of Business Success® when you register for the next semester. (fees payable in cash, no refunds)
1) They really are out to get you. Never forget this.
2) There are advantages to sociopathic behaviour, discover and use them.
3) If you don't do it someone else will. Then they'll spit on you.
4) Trust no one but yourself, and check on him regularly for signs of wavering loyalty.
5) Accept no gratuities, treat everything you receive as your due. Extend this from a secretary's morning smile to a raise in pay and bonus.
6) Strike first, just in case.
7) Et tu, Brute? Well, what did he expect when he turned his back to his most trusted friend. Brutus' major error in this scenario was in leaving a living witness.
8) Slaughter of the innocents? There are no innocents.
9) Innocent bystanders = witnesses who haven't thought about it yet. (see Brutus, above)
10) Smile, be open, honest and sincere. Record everything.
11) Never say something behind someone's back that you wouldn't say to his face. Unless he's an underling or a competitor.
12) Use people and discard them, they're making new ones every day.
13) Take blame for nothing, take credit for everything else.
14) Guilt is a limited commodity, there may not be enough to go around. Be generous, give yours to someone else.
15) Don't make promises you can't keep. (with a witness present.)
16) Office romances. Screw people only for advantage, never pleasure. Record everything.
17) Political Correctness, recognize the difference between what you say and what you mean.
18) Remain steadfast and loyal to your superiors right up to the moment you push them into the elevator shaft.
19) Everyone has an equal chance for advancement. Make sure you have two.
20) Sure he's your brother, but what has he done for you lately?
21) Avoid nepotism, never forget he has the same parents as you, and look how you turned out.
22) Send lots of memos, put your own name on the good ones.
23) A cheerful and pleasant atmosphere at work means they are all plotting against you.
And many, many, more!
And Mr. Weiner? Well, he married the secretary, who immediately gained fifty pounds and popped out kids like a Pez dispenser gone berserk.
He works in a cubicle in an insurance company tower and lives in a ticky tacky tract house with a huge monthly payment. Guess who holds the mortgage?
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