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| Domestic Violence Information Page |
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| Some Statistics...... -Experts estimate that between 2000 and 400 women are killed each year as a result of domestic violenc. -There are about 1500 shelters for battered women...there should be more..... -Children who witness domestic violence are 4 times more likely to be arrested in the future. -In some states, 63% of the children jailed there for murder are there for the murder of an abusive parent -75% of the women who are killed by an abusive partner are killed after they leave or when they are attempting to leave the abusive relationship. -Children who wittness domestic violence are 6 times more likely to commit suicide. Please don't become a statistic..... Help is availiable. |
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| If you need free and immediate assistace call 1-800-799-SAFE The National Domestic Violence Hotline |
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| Facts and Myths |
| Fact: People who grow up in families where there is violence often become abusers. They grow up seeing violence as normal. |
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| Fact: While we cannot predict violent, abusive people tend to have similar personalitity traits. |
| Fact: While drugs and alcohol do not 'cause' violence, there is a definite link between substance abuse and violence. |
| Fact: While certain beliefs systems do not necessarily promote violent behavior, abusive people tend to believe in ideas that justify their violence. |
| Fact: Violence is not a joke, nor is it a healthy atmosphere in which to live. Be aware of associating with people who have violent characteristics. |
| Myth: If a person is beaten and stays with the abuser, she/he must deserve or enjoy it. WRONG! No one enjoys being physically, emotionally tormented. There are many reasons why someone puts up with an abusive realtionship, but liking or deserving it is not it. |
| Myth: Violence is an uncontrollable part of human nature. WRONG! Anger is a part of human nature. Violence is one way of showing anger. Violent persons are in control of their behavior. |
| Myth: What goes on behimd closed doors is a family affair. WRONG! Battery is against the law no matter what the family relationship between the abuser and the abused. |
| Myth: The man is the head of the family. WRONG! Marriage is an equal partnership of mutual respect. Marriage vows are broken by form of violence. |
| Myth: Abusers and victims are usually mentally ill. WRONG! There is no greater percentage of pathological mental illness among victims and abusers than the general population. |
| Facts |
| Myths |
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| What is Abuse? |
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| There are 4 categories of abuse: |
| 1) Physical: |
| -pushing, shoving, slapping, biting -holding a person to keep them from leaving -kicking, choking, hitting, punching -throwing objects at someone -locking a person out of the house or abandoning them in a dangerous place -refusing to help someone when they are sick, injured, or pregnant -threatening to or using a weapon |
| 2) Sexual: |
| -minimizing the importance of someone's feeling about sex -criticizing someone sexually -calling someone sexually names -publically showing interest in other persons -having affairs after agreeing to a monogamous relationship -forcing particular unwanted sexual acts -forcing sex after a beating |
| 3) Financial: |
| -refusing to let someone go to work or school -making harassing calls to your place of employment -making a scene at your place of employment -talking someone into quitting a job or school. -beating someone so they cannot attend work or school. -destroying books, homework, important papers -taking away transportation -controlling all the money |
| 4) Emotional: |
| -ignoring someone's feelings -ridiculing someone's most valued beliefs, religion, race, or sexual preference -criticizing, name-calling, shouting at someone -driving away familiy and friends -humiliating someone in public or private -threatening to hurt or kill someone -punishing or depriving the children -abusing pets -revealing deatails about affairs -manipulating someone with lies and contradictions |
| Who is an Abusive Person? |
| General Characteristics: |
| -low self-esteem -child-like self-centeredness -explosive temper, cannot handle frustrations -emotionally dependent -depressed -alcohol or drug dependency -tries to control people -refuses to accept responsibility for problems -excessive jealousy and possessiveness -beleives myths about battering -punishes through withdrawal of affection -witnessed family violence as a child -uses sex as an act of aggression or dominance -has a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality Abusive people do not accept blame for their abusive behavior. They blame their partner, their children, and their families for family problems. Until an abuser accepts responsibility for the battering, there is no hope for change. NO ONE can change a person...except themselves. |
| Why Does the Abused Person Stay? |
| Leaving an abusive relationship isn't easy. An abused person may attempt to leave 5 or 6 times before leaving permanently. |
| Situational Factors: |
| Emotional Factors: |
| -fear of physical danger to self and children -fear of retaliation by abuser -economic dependence -fear of emotional damage to children -lack of alternate housing -lack of job skills -social isolation resulting in lack of support from family and friends -lack of information regarding alternatives -fear of court process -strong cultural and religious beliefs -fear of social stigma |
| -ambivalence or fear over making major life changes -fear of loneliness -insecurity over potential independence and lack of emotional support -guilt about failure of relationship -fear that the abuser is not able to survive alone -belief that abuser will change -still loves abuser |
| Sometimes the relationship seems to improve and the victim feels like the abuse is insignificant.....BUT IT ISN'T! |
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| The Cycle of Violence |
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| Tension Building: |
| Violence frequently does not start out as a continual threat in a relationship. It follows Four Stages: |
| First there is the build up of tension within the abuser. The abuser is edgy, critical, explosive, jealous, possesive, and accusing. The abused must be careful, smothing over any conflict so they will not be hurt. The violence might be postponed, but it can't be prevented. |
| The Violent Episode: |
| The tension buliding stage ends with an explosion from the abuser. The abuser verbally and physically attacks their partner. This usually happens in private. This might involve a push or a slap that leaves no visible marks-or results in severe injuries. The abuser almost always blames the abused for the incident during the episode. |
| The Calm: |
| If the violent behavior is accepted or condoned through hasty forgiveness or silence, the relationship enters a period of calm until the tension begins to build again. Unfortunately, unless something is done to break the cycle, it will repeat, getting more and more violent, with less and less time spent in the Honeymoon and Calm Stages. |
| The Honeymoon: |
| The abuser promises to change and never hurt the abused again. The abuser pleads with the abused for forgiveness, often is very generous with gifts, and does and says things that the abused wishes they would do and say all the time. The abused might convice themself that the abuse was not all that bad. Both believe the violence won't happen again. |
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| What Abuse Teaches |
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| Abuse teaches that: -power and control, shame, secrecy, fear, distance, nubing of emotions, distrust- are the basis for all relationships. Abuse is the training for all addictions and compulsive behaviors. When we experience any of these elements in a relationship whether that relationship is with another person, a substance, or a compulsive action, we assume that the feeling (the high) we are having is love. |
| If You or Someone You Know is Being Abused, There Are Some Things You Need to Know |
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| First, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!.... -Every 9 seconds a person in the US is beaten -Reported incidents reflect that 6 million women are abused in 1 year -50% of all marriages have experienced at least 1 violent incident -Violence is a regualr occurence in 25% of all families Second, THIS IS A MAJOR PROBLEM!.... -Abuse is not just unfair or uncomfortable, but it is against the law -Domestic Violence is considered the single most under-reported crime in the US Third, NO MATTER WHAT THE ABUSER HAD TOLD YOU, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!.... -Domestic violence knows no racial, gender, or economic boundaries.It affects children as well as adults -even if the abuser has told you how to avoid being hurt, no amount of perfection will ever be good enough. Abuse is the abuser's choice. It is their responsibility. Fourth, HELP IS AVAILABLE!...... -If you are in immediate danger, call the police -If you think you are injured, go to the emergency room -call your local Domestic Violence Hotline or the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE |
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