This is my true story. I was m*lested as a child. It started when I was 10 years old. I can remember the first time it started, like it was yesterday. The person first undid his pants to show me his p*bic hair in our bathroom, as I was holdong my baby cousin. Next, he showed me his privates while we were in our garden when my mom was in the house having a card party. Then he gave me a bath and said he needed to check me for ticks because I had been playing outside. He pulled my r*ar apart and was rubbing his finger in there. Then he told me to get out and dry off and go into the living room so he could comb my hair. When I got in there he was only in his robe and he had set me on his p*nis. Then he tucked me in and rubbed my private parts, when I tried to roll over he told me I was just like my mother. Then he forced my face towards him and french k*ssed me. This went on for many years. He made me perform or*l s*x on him, rub his privates, and watch p*rno movies with him. Even when I became a teenager, he still did this. This hurts so much. This is the first time I gave details. The man was my----FATHER!!!
He used to come into the bathroom or my bedroom to try to see me n*ked. He would write me notes saying how beautiful my br*asts were.
I was also r*ped when I was 16, this is something nobody knows, except my mother, not even my dearest friends. I was r*ped and became pregnant at 16. My mother made me get an abortion because she didn't want me to shame myself, but more importantly, not shame our family. Even though this was a child of r*pe, it destroyed me. I go to bed every night praying that this child will hear me say, I'm sorry. I think about how old that baby would be now. When I look in the mirror, I see a disgusting person and will never forgive myself for not fighting my mother more on the ab*rtion and for also not telling my mother about my father then.
To this day, I don't know why my father did that to me and how he can walk around like he did nothing. He still emotionally ab*ses me. I have trouble in relationships because I don't want to get close......I'm scared of getting hurt. Sometimes making love is so physically painful for me. I think it is because the thoughts get in my head and make me sick. Sometimes, I will have thoughts just while I'm sitting at work or driving in my car.
Certain smells make me sick. It may seem funny, but maybe this will help explain why. Like the smell of Pert shampoo....that is the shampoo we used when I was a child...when my father m*lested me. Very strange I know, but I can't even look at a bottle of the stuff. One time, my father even made me watch while he m*sterb*ted. He used to make me read dirty magazines. One was a book of stories of fathers and daughters who had s*x. Even to this day, I'm scared to be alone with him.
My boyfriend, the man I'm about to marry, knows nothing about this and never will. My friend thinks this isn't right, but maybe this will help her understand. Telling him will make him look at me a different way, I know that for a fact. It is hard for other people to understand things like this. Also, he would always want to talk about it and it is something I don't like talking about. The only reason I post my story is to make me feel better and it does. It doesn't bring back memories that I don't want to come back. I am a survivor because I have been able to deal with this pain and put it in my past. I am very proud of myself for that and I just want this secret to stay out of my marriage.
~~Salt, hurting pepper. |
