PERFECTIONISM

A bit beyond perceptions reach,
I sometimes think I see...
that life is two locked boxes,
each containing the other's key.
PEIT HEIN

Y' CAHN'T GET THAR FUM HERE...

Perfection remains forever at least one step beyond reach. Emptying half of the remains in a bottle will always leave some left; but that image doesn't show the effort involved. No amount of redoubled efforts can get you there. Doubling the energy it took to do say, 50% of a job, will do only 25% more. Double that and you get 12% more. The harder you try, the less you're able; and the more you'll find things wrong, and the more there may be foolish dispair. It's imperfect to look foolish!

Sometimes the extra effort is worth it; to a point. But the perfectionist doesn't recognize that point. He hasn't felt the truth of the Law of Diminishing Returns. He's a slow learner, and/or a rigid idealist ("rigid idealist"...there's a contradiction in terms!). So much time gets taken in one job that no other job is gotten to. The list of jobs grows, pressure builds, and effort is redoubled again, until no time or attention is left for the recognition of their desires. That might be exactly her/his "secondary gain"; so little deservingness is felt, any ploy is used that will prevent awareness of those disturbing desires. Here again, shoulds kill desires, leaving you to feel undeserving.

The attempt at perfection will leave you frustrated.
Frustration is a hot feeling, in a frozen action. Namely, procrastination.

Procrastinating may be one's only control, or at least, one sure one. It may be the only control perceived as permitted. All else are "can'ts" and "shouldn'ts", and "shouldn'ts" tend to be seen as commandments, outside of your realm of decision.

Perfectionism reduces true responsibility. If s/he always does just as told, or even tries to outdo that, s/he's making no decisions on their own. When a situation changes a little, s/he will be left without the internal resources to procede. S/he can only do as told. (and they never heard of Nurenburg) This prevents growth; anything accomplished was someone else's desire, so the satisfaction that might pull them on is seldom tasted.

Perfectionism is a lack of trust in--and respect for--your natural self, the one hiding inside the facade. This makes another dichotomy, and a continuing loss of self-esteem and identity. The facade seems a necessity to the perfectionist, because s/he thinks s/he's an impostor, letting others think they're doing well. And inside, s/he's dwelling on what infinitisimalities might be imperfect. Often, one concentrates on molehills of problems, so as to avoid seeing the mountains!

In the extreme, a perfectionist thinks only in shoulds: how to do what's expected of him/her. The armored facade lives! Or, at least, moves. Work-aholics for the home and office. Paperwork; dustwork. Makework. Vast attention to worthless details. Perfection is one kind of obsession.

An interesting distinction is that the obsessive will lose the self in attention to work, and the procrastinator will lose work in attention to the self! Both result in insecurity and loss of self. You can see the circular cause and effect.

Perfection's an extreme "hafta"; an obsession picked up from some external source. (It's obvious that it's not a natural occurance) Parents and, in turn, siblings, are the usual contaminators; sometimes aunts/uncles, teachers, coaches.

To be obliged is to "hafta", without consideration of your own desires. To feel "obliged to yourself" is just a tricky way of feeling a should; you're never obliged to yourself; you can only be committed to doing something for yourself. Obligations are external, and resented. If you've promised someone something, check to be sure you feel it as a desire. Perhaps it's a friend you "trade favors" with; or someone who needs and deserves help, and you'll feel good for having done it.

Dictionary. Commitment: to give into trust, as into memory.

When a vow or promise to yourself feels like giving yourself an obligation, it yields resentment. Against yourself! And that's more than just an internal war, that's guerrilla sabotage. If it's an obligation, then procrastination is a broken promise to yourself, leading to self-criticism and further dichotomy between thoughts (shoulds) and feelings (desires); conscious/subconscious; head/gut, shoulds/desires. etc.. Better simply to be aware of the desire; that automatically becomes a commitment, not an obligation. You had forgotten to rephrase. If it was a commitment, you're really doing it for yourself, so you are free to change your mind.

Better to strive for the more ideal. If the ideal action (or self!) is too far ahead, and one has become discouraged and weakened by "perfectionitis", that image looks to distant to see well, and so, hard to do, or become. Look at a closer image, ideal in just one more aspect, designing further ones in good time. Natural growth will pull you; pushing it only gets in your own way.

You are not required to be perfect. Your healthy inner self wants not to be required to do something, or be somebody. Can you move toward your ideal, with as much energy as you feel is best, in spite of wanting not to be required to?

Real commitments become action of their own accord, because by definition, they are desires. The thing will be done not only with satisfaction, but without thought and effort.

You know, the most valuable diamond is not the most perfect one, but the one that has the flaws that are the most interesting. Nobody really decided that it would be so; it just seems to be part of the human character. If you achieved perfection, you might be valued as a machine, but you'd lose value as a person. You deserve permission to have interesting flaws and facets.

The perfectionist may also develop rebellious shoulds. In the end, however, s/he's still being forced by outside influences --to do the opposite of those inflluences. Anorexia is an extreme example; an unhealthy rebellion toward perfectionism.

Now, would it surprise you if I said that Perfection and Procrastination have a very positive side? Perfection and Procrastination can both be healthy rebellions. They bespeak ideals, even if taken past reasonable limits, and into counter- productive areas. A kid says she can do better than you did. Easily said, but positive, and maybe she can--at least in some areas--and that's enough for her and society to grow on. She'll require herself to do a lot of thinking about how she'd do things if she were in charge.

Imagine if the young were not idealistic. Idealism exists in thought, and is well practiced by experimenting with what may prove to be unreasonable extremes. Extremes are useful for clarification; an instructive technique that all of us devise for ourselves. She "tries a belief on for size", and perhaps does some practice-talk. No harm done. Perfectionism puts unreasonable extremes and expectations into action.

One difficulty in procrastination is that it's often profitable to wait. I remember many machines of mine that "fixed themselves" after a while, or I learned that I could live with its defrugalties (interesting word; "money-waster"?) You may discover that your subconscious was telling you that it's not worth any effort at all; or that if postponed, you will later have more information to base a decision upon.

Also, it may hurt less later. (& may not) I remember a boy who'd been given a Weimaraner puppy. When it came time for the "fashionable" lop of the tail, the boy cried; he wanted his puppy not to get hurt. Or at least, to be hurt as little as possible. So he asked his dad to cut the tail off only an inch at a time! It's also an unfortunate human tendency to cope with problems this way and end relationships this way, even when we know better. But the emotional side does not often listen to reason. (It needs repetition.)

I'm somewhat of a "recovering perfect-aholic" myself. I think it comes from thinking too much. But I feel I'd rather be more self-actuated than self-controlled. I used to be a bit compulsive about arriving someplace on time. I got an electronic watch and found I could often put my first knock on the door at the scheduled second as per Naval Observatory time. It wasn't too much trouble, just very, very responsible; and finally, just amusing. I thought and felt about it, and decided that it was too mechanical, inhuman and controlled. So I stopped. Eased up. Lowered the pressure.

Imagine my surprise then, to still find myself "at the door" at the scheduled time. It had become a habit, programmed into the subconscious. So I felt about that for a while. It wasn't compulsive, felt easy... So I accepted it as a gift. It's been harder to learn to not be on time; I'd always be the first there.

And anyway, the only time your things get done is while you think of them; obviously, you won't do something you haven't thought about. Do what you want to do when it comes to mind, because it's not likely to get done without it coming to mind! But, if now isn't the best time, put it where it'll be in front of you later. So the first step toward change of this habit is the same as for others: continuing awareness of desires. Also, "now" is the only time things get done. You can decide to do it later, but you will know beforehand that "then" will still be "now" at that time too. Your decision, then, is just which "now" you prefer!