We have boycotted fast food joints in this house. Trust me, that's easier said than done with a 7-year-old boy in the house. He considers McDonald's and Burger King four-star restaurants and believes the plastic toys that come with Happy Meals are the greatest thing since Nintendo 64. But I can't take it anymore. And it's not all about how fattening the food is, either. I'd take convenience way over nutritional value any day. But when my mental health begins to suffer from the effects, it's time to draw the line and dare anyone to step up to the window. Even driving to a fast-food restaurant makes me break out in hives.

I know what will happen and it's not pretty.

1. An indistinguishable voice will gargle through the drive-through speaker system and say something like, "Wolkum to Mcblargney empire odorous." You know what they mean. You don't have to ask them to repeat it. You just give them your order. The conversation will go like this: ("Y" is "You" and "T" is "Them," because in the end, that's what it's all about.

Y: I'd like a number 2 with a Diet Coke.
T: Would you like a drink with that?
Y: Uh, yes, a diet Coke.
T: Thank you, your total is $2.95. Please drive to the first window.
Y: Uh, excuse me? I also need to order a.....
T: Wolkum to Mcblargney empire odorous.
Y: No, it's still me. I need to order something else.
T: Would you like fries with that?
Y: What? I haven't ordered anything yet.
T: Didn't you order a number 2?
Y: Yes, but in addition to that, I'd like a chicken Happy Meal.
T: We don't have chicken Happy Meals.
Y: You're out of them?
T: No, we don't make them.
Y: Uh, yes you do. A chicken McNugget Happy Meal.
T: Oh, you didn't say nugget.
Y: *wondering...did I have to?* Okay, a chicken McNUGGET Happy Meal with a regular coke.
T: Would you like a drink with that?
Y: I said a regular coke.
T: No you didn't.
Y: *wishing you had this script with you so you could prove it* Okay, then give me a REGULAR COKE with the Happy Meal.
T: Your total is $5.12. Please drive to the first window.
Y: Wait!
T: May I help you?
Y: Yes, I'm not finished with my order yet.
T: Would you like to try one of our tasty hot apple pies today?
Y: No, thank you. I'd also like one M&M McFlurry and two fruit and yogurt parfaits.
T: We don't have any ice cream.
Y: You're out of ice cream?
T: That's right.
Y: But it's only 3:00 in the afternoon.
T: It's 3:08, ma'am.
Y: *you don't give a fuck what time it is* Do you have fruit and yogurt parfaits?
T: Yes, would you like to add one to your order?
Y: I already did. I ordered two.
T: No, you didn't.
Y: *big sigh* Okay, give me TWO FRUIT AND YOGURT PARFAITS!
T: Thank you. Please drive to the first window.

2. By the time you get to the window you are totally exhausted. But it's not over, honey. Not by a long shot. You will invariably wait for 10-20 minutes to make it to the window. As you wait in line you will hear the frantic calls of the patrons behind you as they each yell in turn at the intercom, "Hello?" "No, I said a number 1, not 9!" "I already ordered the drink!" "What?" "Hello?" At the window you will not be greeted by anyone. You will simply see a hand reach out the window and grab your money. This person will not be smiling and they will not care if you aren't either. This exchange of money will be the least frustrating episode in the process, unless they give you change for a ten rather than change for the twenty you gave them.

3. The pick-up window will quite literally drive you insane. They will give you one bag and slam the window. As you wait there, eventually someone will notice and ask why you're still parked there. You tell them that you're waiting for the rest of your order. In the bedlam that follows, you will observe several window staff conversing with the money-window staff. Someone will call out, "I need a hamburger for a Happy Meal with no onions and no pickles." You hope it's for the car behind you. You ordered chicken. But you're not that lucky this day. They give you the hamburger.

Y: I didn't order the hamburger Happy Meal.
They will grab the receipt and recite it to you as proof of your insanity.
T: I've got a number 9 with a Sprite and a hamburger happy meal with no onions, no pickles, and a milk.
Y: That's not my order.
T: Ma'am, this is the order you gave us.
Y: My son is allergic to milk. Why would I order that with his meal?
The window closes. Shouting. Pandemonium. Total freaking insanity. The window opens.
T: Ma'am, could you please pull up to the Drive-Thru parking space?

4. This is why they have a Drive-Thru parking space, even though by mere definition it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. If you came to drive through, why should you park? Because the staff is made up of total freaking morons? Because you don't know how to order a fucking chicken McNugget Happy Meal? If it happens every time you go to a fast-food drive-through, could it be you who is the total freaking moron? You will ponder this and many more of life's complexities while you wait. Perhaps you've been giving off bad karma? Maybe customer service is just non-existent now. Nobody cares! It's a shame. It's a travesty. It's just a fucking hamburger! How hard can it be? Twenty minutes later, when they bring your real order, you note that they have finally gotten the order right. But don't be surprised if there are no napkins, no straws, no salt or ketchup and cold French fries.

In the end, it's just not worth it anymore. The service is lousy. The food sucks. And they really don't give a shit if you smile or not.

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