Conan the Destroyer(1984)

Shaun Watson reviews�

Movie poster from the
Internet Movie
Database

Conan the
Destroyer

Directed by Richard Fleischer
Starring:
Arnold Schwartzenegger
as Conan
Wilt Chamberlain as Bombaata
Grace Jones as Zula
Sarah Douglas as Queen Taramis
Mako as Akiro the Wizard
Olivia d'Abo as Princess Jehnna

and
Tracy Walter
as Malak the Thief

When I think about the person I am today, I can definitely say that the world of the 1980s has shaped me a great deal. There was a bunch of good stuff on TV then, and you can find any of that stuff on the Internet on any old 80's webpage. What really sticks is the films of the day. I remember a lot of the movies that ushered me into being a big sci-fi and fantasy fan. I'll eventually end up naming them all at some point, but I want to focus on the fantasy films of the time that influenced me the most.
Many films fall into this number, but a choice few stick out as really good. Of this number, two of them star the Austrian bodybuilder-turned-actor Arnold Schwartzenegger(Red Sonja, Hercules in New York). One of the two is a sequel to the character movie that he made famous: Conan the Barbarian. The movie I speak of is Conan the Destroyer.

OK, so I hear a lot of people think that Conan the Destroyer(callin' it "Conan 2") is crap and that it brings down the first movie, a grand work on its own. I have to disagree; this movie is the perfect spot for someone NOT familiar with the exploits of the Cimmerian to get acquainted INITIALLY. For those of the 'happily ever after' set, this was a believable hero on par with violent 80's hero Rambo. This was a vehicle in which Conan could be the 'good guy', be violent and do what good guys do: SAVE THE PRINCESS. With my previous sole knowledge of stories of heroes existing to save the princess, I was sold. After reading the last paragraph, I think it's time to give a brief synopsis of the movie Conan 2.

Conan and his thieving sidekick Malak(Tracy Walter) are captured at the grave of Valeria by soldiers of Queen Taramis(Sarah Douglas, Night of the Living Dead 3). She hires the barbarian and his friend to escort one Princess Jehnna(a young Olivia d'Abo, The Wonder Years[TV]) and her bodyguard Bombaata(basketball star Wilt Chamberlain) to find a jeweled horn for some kind of ritual. Upon mention of possible treasure, Conan agrees to take the job. On the way to find the jeweled horn, they meet the warrioress Zula(supermodel Grace Jones) and team up with the wizard Akiro(Mako, Pearl Harbor, Sidekicks) to make the job easier. They'll fight many minions, wizards and insurmountable odds to reach their goal. Many in the party will level up from this mission, but will a prestige class be worth having to watch Arnold doing the grandest phallic flexes since Pumping Iron?

This movie introduced me to the concept of not having to be a knight to save a princess as well as not having to accept what anyone gives you, no matter how prestigious. This movie also taught me that princesses are ALWAYS na�ve and allowed me to form an opinion on women warriors before Red Sonja or Xena ever came around. This movie, a Dino de Laurentiis production, has not diminished with time; I still get goose bumps when they swim through the icy waters of the wizard's castle. It's a great movie that'll entertain even when the world laughs at the primitive special effects of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

�but that is another story�

Cover of Marvel Comics'
Conan the Barbarian #1

CHOICE CUTS:

Conan punches a horse. I never get tired of seeing that.
Conan, drunk off his ass, walks into Bombaata's chest(remember: Wilt Chamberlain's 7 feet tall) and knocks himself out.
Zula the warrioress shrieks and carries on--all because of a mouse.
The magic ice castle scene where they have to SAVE THE PRINCESS. It's a beautiful set piece and allows for an awesome battle scene for Conan.
Any bonding dialogue between the characters.
The final battle scene. I never thought that Conan would make it out alive.

PRICELESS QUOTES:
Jehnna asks Zula for some "womanly advice":

"What do you do when you've set your heart on a man?"
"Grab him�and take him!"
"You�grab him and take him?"
"Take him! Grab him!"

Conan goes into negotiations with fighters blocking the exit to the jeweled horn's shrine, punctuating the following sentence with a thrown dagger:

"Enough talk!"

A drunk Conan explains to Princess Jehnna about his plans after the mission. He speaks of taking Valeria as his queen in the place described in this line: