...and I was facing hell day after day. That is why those fears and other stupid things like poison etc. I took 16 analgins once, just to see what happened. Nothing happened. I just slept for a day, and remained in a psychological stupor. I don’t know - no, I think I do know - why I didn’t write all this down in those days. It was because I was scared that Papa would read my diary. Amma had once read my diary... I was shocked. Hence only day to day records were put in the diary... I was doing what M Antoinette had told me ages back. That if I kept writing, I could really be a writer - even if it was only a diary. Dr Corfield also encouraged me in writing. But no one emphasized that I write the truth. So I never did, till today. I was scared that if Papa read the truth, he’d be very angry . Hence the truth about R was camouflaged in a story about him - and M once asked me whether I had made the whole thing up? R was someone I’d met at SK’s place. One attraction about going to her place was meeting a lot of healthy boys and girls who did all of the teenager in-things. Those days, I had a love-hate relationship with SK, but I kept up with her all through BA... When R came to the college, I was always with SK or someone. We did go out once or twice - as a group. Two or three girls and two or three boys. I was thrilled and scared what would happen if someone found out. R also came to the college canteen several times... His presence made me feel happy, and I was very much accepted in the group. He did mention the till on my cheek, and exclaimed loudly when he discovered that my eyes were green... R just disappeared after three four months. But he said that he liked girls to be simple and wear simple clothes. I felt that I had scored one up over the other girls. Somehow his presence-absence made a difference. It was the first time I’d been involved in a crowd and I liked it. He stood in direct contrast to D. I discussed the matter with Dr Corfield, and she told me to make my own choices...
...It was not all made up - but it had to be a story. R may have just flirted with me, but he was very real. There is no doubt that if he had pressed the matter further, I’d have fallen headlong into it. I wore saris for him and eagerly waited to see him - one sided affair. And I didn’t tell people at home about it - him. I imagined his proposal, and my renunciation of him as well as of D...
Get your own Free Home Page