The Last Word on ……………Relationships

My therapist once told me I had a problem with commitment, well he probably would have said that if I hadn’t stopped seeing him. It got too the point where he wanted to see me every day! Come on, how insecure can you be? At any rate, if this commitment crap were true, why wouldn’t my girlfriend have pointed this out to me…before we broke up? In my defense I didn’t even realize she was my girlfriend. I mean it’s tricky these days to tell exactly where you stand in a relationship. Sure there are obvious examples. If you need to explain to her why came home last night with a fist full of singles smelling like "Eau de French hooker", then she’s your girlfriend. But let’s look at some of the gray areas of dating…

AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER: I sit here at my computer writing this with a plaque over head reading “world’s worst boyfriend.” With that said, I offer none of what follows as an expert opinion, but merely the journals of a fellow man in the midst of dating in the new millenium. Nor do I have any problems with having a girlfriend. I treasure that level of commitment and look forward to the day I will wake up to the same beautiful face every morning instead being awakened with a hangover by a complete stranger asking “did you spill a big glass of water in the bed last night?”

Simple Numbers...While it has never been conclusively calculated, there is an exact number of times a man and women can have sex after which she officially becomes your girlfriend. While this number has never been proven to exist, the debate over this number has fallen into two distinct schools. Many scholars maintain that it is the dating equivalent of pi and can never be finitely calculated. Others, like myself, believe that number does exist yet is just another government cover-up like Roswell, the Kennedy conspiracy, and the facts surrounding dismissal of the Taco Bell chihuahua. "The number" and other pertinent data are buried in a vault in a classified government bunker in North Dakota. If not for this site, the US would consist of only forty-nine states and one huge nuclear testing site.

Whether the number actually exists is no matter, for men and women will debate it until the end of time. Purists (and allegedly, the Amish) believe this number to be one. While I admire their simplicity, I cannot agree as this theory is so readily refuted the following morning with, "I can’t believe we we’re that drunk last night." (Or in the aforementioned Amish case "Man, did that barn raising get out of hand") But the bottom line is not what the number is, but that you know this number at all times, once you lose count, you are in a relationship. An exact count lends a scientific basis to your argument. "C’mon we’ve only had sex 147 times" holds a lot more water than "I can’t believe we were that drunk last year!" (Why do you think math teachers get so much ass?)

The Bathroom...A man’s last stronghold of freedom many believe. Sure she can do whatever she wants for you in the kitchen…even cook. Bringing cute little things you never have had time to buy in your 6 years there like food, an actual fork, or a stove are a welcome addition. The same applies for any room… with the exception of the bathroom. In this room, the smallest $1.89 toothbrush sends shudders up a man’s spine; contact lens cases are often associated with joint checking, and need we even mention feminine protection. “OB” is rumored to be an Latin abbreviation for “ring shopping.” These fears are all ridiculous. Think of the advantages of having these niceties available to her. With a toothbrush at her disposal, she’s bound to put anything in her mouth first thing in the morning. With her contacts safely in their case, her eyesight is now diminished and blurring the edges of anything can only make it appear larger. Most importantly, with the tampons in the cabinet you never have to dread being sent out at 4 in the am due to “flash floods”. No gentlemen, it’s nothing that they will keep in there that will lead to your demise. It’s the minute that you let her decorate the bathroom that she’s your girlfriend. I’m sure we’ve all heard the death rattle of a girl unpacking a bag from Bed, Bath and Beyond in the shitter. At this point the thought of her toothbrush sitting in your plastic Scooby-Doo cup is a bittersweet memory of when your nuts were your own.

Travel Plans...Anyone one who is a friend is someone you will enjoy traveling with, it’s a given. The further the venture, the greater the commitment. But there is quite a difference between a trip to the Mall and a trip to Munich. Keep this in mind. In the mall, you’re only real nemesis, aside from Bed, Bath, and Beyond, is the jewelry store. But you are in control. You can sway the course of conversation to the local scenery like “hey let’s stop for some Haagen-Daas, angel (lard ass)” or “let’s swing by Victoria Secret and get you something that makes you look sexy (like a whore)”. You have flexibility knowing that home is only a (silent) car ride away. Once you get out of this comfort zone, however, each conversation is the focused more on you and her. More importantly you will be forced to introduce her to complete strangers…but as what? A weekend at Hotel Caligula is now at stake. Call her your friend now and you’re popping your own cork in a champagne glass shaped tub, but call her your girlfriend and that glass is sure to clang all weekend. In her defense, you’ve forced your own hand here. And guys take it from someone who found out the hard way, don’t take your girlfriend to Vegas. Simply put Virginia is for Lovers, Vegas is for legalized prostitution; it’s a shame only one slogan made the license plate. I went with my girlfriend to Vegas and all I ever heard was “when are you gonna hit the jackpot?” By the third day, I just wrote “the jackpot” on her forehead. I hit it five times that day.

Gift Giving ...REMEMBER THIS INFORMATION AND USE IT ANY WAY YOU LIKE: People love getting gifts-- so always be aware of the gifts and the consequences to follow. If you buy a girl a house on her birthday she will say “thank you”. If you buy your friend Bob anything on his birthday he will say to himself “Fuck, now I have to get this asshole on his birthday…and find out when it is.” Then he will call you an asshole! But if you buy a girl anything for no reason, for no particular occasion, then she will fall in love with you… and she should. You are now a nice guy, or as Bob put it, an asshole. Just know these things and buy gifts accordingly. If you want to maintain a low level of commitment, buy all of her gifts at 7-11 and leave the receipt in the bag.

Anyway, please don’t think that I am making light of anything or anyone here other than myself. I used to think like a child-- that relationships were some magical place where a boy and a girl met, fell in love, and the rest took care of itself. Maybe that's my parents fault, they made it look so easy. In any case, I was wrong, or more accurately, lazy. Relationships take work; just like anything worth pursuing. As the cliché goes, find a job you love and you’ll never have to work another day in your life. If you love your job and the people you work with, you will be excited it about it every day. Sadly, we see too many people who continue to work at a job they no longer enjoy and, ultimately, it shows in their performance.

So keep at them people, because they are simply the best things going today. No paycheck in the world can compare to the smile you get from the person you love, and no doctor in the world can remedy the pain we feel when we let these loved ones down. I’ll keep at it myself too. I mean look at the alternatives. No way I’m sleeping with my friend Tony again. He’s just too cranky in the morning. (I doubt most of those girls wouldn’t put up with him if he didn’t pay them up front!)

xoxo
.....-g

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