Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.

Fault: Glass is empty.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Feet cold and wet.

Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom : Feet warm and wet.

Fault : Loss of self-control.

Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom : Bar blurred.

Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom : Bar swaying.

Fault : Air turbulence unusually high -maybe due to darts match in progress.

Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom : Bar moving.

Fault : You are being carried out.

Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom : The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a flourescent strip across it.

Fault : You have fallen over backwards.

Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.

Fault : You have fallen over forwards.

Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom : You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

Fault : You have spent the night in the gutter.

Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom : Everything has gone dim.

Fault : The pub is closing.

Solution: PANIC !!!!!!!!!