FUN

Signs You Have A Bad Airline Pilot:

10. You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey, Pedro, What's this gizmo do?" 9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up 8. He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 40 feet" 7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap 6. When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!" 5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, Let's go find that Mars observer!" 4. He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform 3. Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh" 2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport 1. Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy"

Bar Jokes

Donkey Woman! A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar. The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies", I'll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass". The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say's nothing and gives the guy his drink. this happens twice more. A couple of hours pass and the guy goes to the mens room and his wife goes up to the bar. This time she orders the drinks. The barman gets the drinks and says, "it's probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass. I just had to tell you because I dont think it's very fair for him to call you that". The woman turns to him and smiles and says... "Oh, dont worry, it's ok - heaw, heaw, he always calls me that"! The duck in the bar A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender. The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. "What'll it be?" the bartender says. The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want." The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. "Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes." The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!" The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, "I'll have the grapes." The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!" The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you get?!" "Got any nails?" "OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?" "Good, got any grapes?" Panda in a Bar A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill. All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter. The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!" the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?" "Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda." "Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar. The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary. After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition: PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves. The drunk A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed. That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her!" Lager Prayer Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk, At home as it is in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager. Dying Wives! "I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull." "That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?" "She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!" Good Samaritan A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him. The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap. "Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car. He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door. "Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home." "That was nice of you," she says, looking around... "But where's his wheelchair?" (woo-hoo! that's MEAN! :) Signs that you may be a drunk! *** Signs that you "just might" have a drinking problem. *** You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth ... now THAT'S a drinking problem! The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. Every woman you see has an exact twin. You fall off the floor. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger -- forget dinner! The glass keeps missing your mouth. Bill Clinton starts to make sense. Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in. "Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol." You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store. "BeerTender! Get me another Bar!" from http://www.jokesgalore.com/

50 Ways to confuse,worry,or just scare the bejeezus out of people in the Computer Lab by Daniel T. Blue, III

1. Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question. 2. Heckle the professor. 3. Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say that you have to tape the lecture for a friend. 4. Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is turned. 5. Get the other students in your row to do the wave. 6. Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you can borrow his chalk to take notes. 7. Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable scientific proof.8. If it's a math lecture, claim that the professor misspelled pi. 9. When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the professor calls on you, point to someone in the next row and say "He knows." Pick a different person each time. 10. Buy a doll. When you go to class, leave the doll in your chair, along with your notebook and pen. Say that you have an important meeting to go to, and that the doll will be taking notes for you. 11. Bring a typewriter. Use it to take notes. 12. Write a love note. Sign it "a secret admirer". Get someone to pass it to the professor. 13. Get up to go to the bathroom five or six times during the class. Change clothes every time. 14. While taking notes, write vulgar words every few lines. If anyone asks, say you have Tourette's syndrome. 15. Buy a watermelon. Give it to the professor. If he/she asks, say "They were out of apples." 16. Bring a small tape player. Play a tape of the previous lecture. Take notes on both. 17. If it's an English class, ask how the theory of relativity relates to Shakespeare's "Midsummer Night's Dream". 18. Pretend to be asleep until five minutes before the end of class. Then wake up and explain that you missed the lecture, and ask the professor to summarize what he/she talked about. 19. Bring a can of spray paint. Use it to take notes on the classroom wall. 20. Bring a fully-stocked picnic basket to class. Explain that you didn't have time to eat breakfast. 21. Wear a loincloth to class. If anyone asks, say that it is your costume for the school play, and you didn't have time to change out of it. 22. Tear out pages of the textbook and make little origami animals out of them. Have a whole menagerie by the end of class. Give them to the professor as a token of your esteem. 23. Bring a fishing rod. Try to catch things on the professor's desk. 24. Bring a tape player and a tape of a thunderstorm. Keep it hidden. Sometime during the lecture, start the tape, stand up, claim that the professor has angered the gods and leave. Watch to see how many students follow you after the tape starts playing. 25. Make reserved seating cards and place them on the desks before class. 26. Tell the professor you are on a new experimental cold medication that may have strange side effects. Every ten minutes or so, run around the room screaming. Afterward, claim that you have no memory of what just happened. 27. Claim that you are the new student teacher, and that you are to give the lecture for that class. If the professor agrees, lecture on a subject completely opposite the to subject of the class. If the professor objects, say that the students should have a wide range of knowledge. 28. Switch the professor's lecture notes with your history notes from last term.29. Raise your hand and ask when the movie is going to start. 30. Bring a flash camera. Take pictures every few minutes, using a very bright flash. If anyone complains, say that you didn't see any sign saying you couldn't bring cameras. 31. Bring a light bulb. Hold it over your head whenever you have the answer to a question. 32. Bring an easel and a paint set. Paint a portrait of the professor during the lecture. Say that it is a homework assignment for art class. 33. Sneeze very loudly. Then, have the person next to you sneeze, then the person next to him, and so on. See how long it takes before the professor sneezes. 34. When the professor comes in, say, very loudly, "Hey! A substitute! All right!" Claim that the real professor said you could have lecture outside.35. Come to class wearing the same outfit as the professor. Call the professor a copycat. 36. If it's a geology lecture, switch the quartz crystals with New Folger's Crystals and see if the professor notices. Have a hidden camera. 37. Hide a ticking clock under the podium. Call in a bomb threat. 38. Write your assignment on Plato on your little sister's modeling clay. 39. Ask questions in a foreign language you know the professor doesn't know. Act angry when he/she doesn't understand you. 40. Come to class dressed as a professional wrestler. Tell people you joined the wrestling team. Bodyslam anyone who doesn't believe you. 41. When the professor comes in, suddenly scream, "NOOOOOO! Not him! Not professor Johnson!! They let him teach again! Noooooooooo!" then run out of them room. See how many people follow you. 42. Turn your row into a mosh pit. 43. Before class starts, turn all the desks upside down. Sit on them like you would normally.44. Two words: American Gladiators. 45. Make requests like people do at rock concerts. ("Relativity! Relativity! Einstein rocks!") 46. Bring popcorn. Throw it and the professor. Complain that these trained animal shows aren't what they used to be. 47. Bring a tape player and a tape of the school bell. Play it every 15 minutes.48. When the professor calls on you, mumble inconprehensibly. Answer every question in this fashion. See how long it takes before the professor stops calling on you. 49. When you take a test, hire a security guard to stand by your desk and make sure no one cheats off your paper. 50. Make up a strange religious cult and distribute flyers for it during class. If it is a religious studies class, complain that your cult was not included in the textbook, and demand that they get a new one.

|MainPage| |Home| |About Corfu(en)| |About Corfu(gr)| |Palazzo Bar| |Bus & AirTransport ||Cocktails Page| |Drinks Page (gr)| |For Women| |For My Friends||Fun & Joke Page| |My Photo| |My Friends Page| |My Yahoo| |Photos From Corfu| |Search Engines| |Lagoon Pool| |Weather|