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Don't Steel my links

You wake up face down on the pavement.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a '60 minutes' news team waiting in your office.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and they aren't there.
You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
You wake up to discover your waterbed has broken, then remember you don't have a waterbed.
Your car horn goes of accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels down the motorway.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your coat.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex wife.
Your income tax cheque bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.

How To Handle Stress

1. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa.
        2. Pop some popcorn without putting on the lid.
        3. When someone says, "Have A Nice Day", tell them you have
           other plans.
        4. Find out what a frog in the blender really looks like.
        5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
        6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
        7. Put  your  toddler's clothes on him/her backwards and send
           him/her to preschool as if nothing was wrong.
        8. Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms
           with Roman Numerals.
        9. Tattoo "Out To Lunch" on your forehead.
       10. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them
           from high places.
       11. Leaf through a National Geographic and draw underwear
           on the natives.
       12. Buy a subscription to sleezoid weekly and send it to
           your boss's wife.
       13. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
       14. Drive to work in reverse.
       15. Relax by mentally reflecting on your favorite episode
           of "The Flintstones" during an important finance meeting.
       16. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
       17. Refresh yourself: Put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
       18. Tell your boss to blow it out his mule and let him figure it
           out.       19. Polish your car with earwax.
       20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
       21. Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognize it when it
           comes back to you.
       22. Bill your doctor for the time spent in his waiting room.
       23. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
       24. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
       25. Lie on your back, eat celery, using your navel as a salt
           dipper.
       26. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend
           they're in jail.
       27. Make up a language and ask people for directions.
       28. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in
           its wrapper.
       29. Jam minature marshmallows up your noze and see how many you can
           sneeze out at once.

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