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JOKES |
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WELCOME TO CORFU AND TO GEORGE`S FUN PAGE
Don't Steel my links |
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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quite rural pub.She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediatly. When he arrives, she seductivley signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually no" he replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman-clearly arroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is" she said "I need you to give him a message" as she popped a couple fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him.... that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room"
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What's the difference between a bartender and a toilet seat?
A: A toilet seat only has to deal with one asshole at a time. |
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A man enters a cafe and sits down. He notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili." I'm sorry, the gentlemen next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress. "Oh. I'll just have coffee, then." After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?" The other man replies, "No." Would you sell it to me?" "You can have it for free if you want it." So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too." |
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An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could over exert himself. After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough strength to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one." The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?" |
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Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman". "Oh yeah", said Eddie. "And how did this one end"? "When it was over", Harvey replied. "She came to me on her hands and knees". "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"? "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel'"!
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An elderly couple was traveling accross country. The old lady was driving and she gets pulled over by a highway patrolman.... Patrolman: "Mam...you were speeding." Old lady (looking at husband, asks): "WHAT'D HE SAY?" Old man (yelling): "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING!" Patrolman: "May I see your license please." Old lady (asking husband again): "WHAT'D HE SAY?" Old man: "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR DRIVER LICENSE!"
The old woman hands the patrolman her license.
Patrolman: " Ahhh. I see you're from Arkansas....I visited there once. Had the worst sex I've ever had with a women there." Old woman (asks husband again): "WHAT'D HE SAY?" Old man: "HE SAID HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!!!"
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A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus, sets him up on the bar and says "I bet anyone in here 50 bucks that my octopus can play any musical instrument you hand him. One guy walks up with a guitar and says, "You're on." He lays his 50 bucks on the bar and hands over the guitar. The octopus proceeds to tune the strings and begins to play a wonderful classical rendition. Everyone's aghast! The guy collects his 50 bucks. Next guy brings up a trumpet and lays his money on the bar. The octopus takes it, plays with the valves for a moment, and proceeds to play a wonderful jazz riff. The guy collects his money again. The bartender leaves and comes back a few minutes later with a set of bagpipes and lays his 50 bucks on the bar. The octopus picks it up, turns it around, looks at it some more, turns it over again to get a different perspective. After a few minutes of this the guy is getting impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for? Why don't you start playing it?" The octopus looks over and says, "Play it? Hell I was trying to figure out how to get her pajamas off!!"
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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS." |
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Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl." The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit." So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?" Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance." So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the friend. The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants." |
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