JOKES

( Women, Men & Marriage) A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful women is one who can find such a man. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. Men marry because they are tired. Women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A woman will always cherish the memory of the men who wanted to marry her. A man, of the women who he didn't. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and After marriage. Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy: One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes. No use two people remembering the same thing. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

-What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes. -What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment. -What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute. -How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up. -How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same but you get the remote. -Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair? Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud. - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long. - How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and complain. - What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. - Why are men and parking spaces alike? Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled. - Why are men like public toilets? Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap. - What have men and floor tiles got in common? If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life. - What is the difference between a man and a catfish? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish. - Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism. - What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard. - How do men sort their laundry? "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable" - Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. - Do you know why women fake orgasm? Because men fake foreplay. - What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. - What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm. - What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. - What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic! - Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. - Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut! - Why does the bride always wear white? Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. - What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. - A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest tits? The blonde, because she's 18. - Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? Because their balls fall over their asshole and they're vapor-locked. - Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting. - Why don't pygmies wear tampons? They keep stepping on the strings. - What's the difference between a terrorist and a Jewish mother? You can negotiate with the terrorist! - Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody. - Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. - What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. -How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam". What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quattro sinko. What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. What is a zebra? 25 sizes larger than an "A" bra. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck. What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. Where do you find a no legged dog? Right where you left him. Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep. Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise. The Hoover Dam was built to last 2,0000 years. The concrete in it will not even be fully cured for another 500 years. The wingspan of a Boeing 747 jet is longer then the Wright Brother's first flight. There are more than 10 million bricks in the Empire State Building. In space, astronauts can not cry, because there is no gravity and tears can't flow. The microwave was invented after researchers walked by a radar tube and the chocolate bar in his pocket melted. Nine pennies weigh exactly one ounce. If you were born in Los Alamos, New Mexico during the Manhattan Project, your birthplace was officially listed as Post Office Box 1663. Santa Fe, New Mexico. The record for the most snowfall in a single day was 78 inches on February 7, 1916 in Alaska. The name of the asteroid that was believed to have killed the dinosaurs was Chixalub. Grand Rapids, Michigan was the first city in the US to put fluoride in their water. One square inch of skin on the human hand contains some 72 feet of nerve fiber. The average human will walk 160 billion millimeters in a lifetime. The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot repair itself. If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will probably come up "heads" about 4,950 times. The "heads" side of the penny weighs more than the "tails" side.

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