I closed my eyes, remembering her arms around me, holding me tight. She was the only thing I could think about, after she broke it off with me.
There's a thousand words that I could say
To make you come home
She didn't listen. I told her I was sorry that I hadn't been there for her when she was sick, when she needed me so bad to take care of her. To feed her chicken soup with a spoon, to tuck her in that night she couldn't sleep and could hardly breathe, to ease her pain. But no, like the fool I was, instead I decided to write lyrics for my upcoming album. Like that ever came before her. It never did. It never will. Britney didn't seem to care though--it was like she heard excuses before, and didn't want to hear anymore bullshit--but it wasn't bullshit. And she told me it wasn't because I wasn't there.
Seems so long ago you walked away
Left me alone
That night, and every night since she had left me, all I could think about was her. Her face, her arms, her touch. Everything about her. Days passed so slowly without her by my side. Some nights I woke up in the middle of the night, and reached beside me, expecting her to be there--but she wasn't. And then I could feel tears wallow up in my eyes, which maybe would make her appear beside me, but it didn't. It wouldn't. It never would. But for some reason, I believed that it would.
And I remember what you said to me
You were acting so strange
I remember we had to meet in the hotel lobby after her press conference, and I was waiting there, standing in the middle of it, and I had missed her so much no words could explain. I was watching the doors that lead to outside, waiting for her to come through them any second, and run up to me. And we would hug. And she would say she missed me. And I would say I missed her. Just like usual.
Suddenly I had felt a body press against me, on my back. Arms reached over and wrapped around my waist, pulling me tight to the body, breasts digging into my back, and then someone breathed against my neck. That perfume. The most beautiful smell I have smelt. I could smell it from anywhere and know who it was automatically.
"Britney." I had rolled my head back and leaned it on her shoulder, breathing on her face. There was no people around, so she kissed my lips softly, but no tongue this time, which I thought was weird, for Britney.
And maybe I was too blind to see
That you needed a change
She didn't say she missed me though. She always had before. Her lips pulled away from mine, and she pulled her body away from mine, and then walked in front of me.
"Christina, we need to talk." She lead me into our room and closed the door.
Was it something I said
To make you turn away?
To make you walk out and leave me cold
Suddenly, I remember feeling very afraid. Maybe it was a premonition or a guess, but I was right. But I wasn't afraid of her. The only thing--the only thing that I was ever afraid of when I was around her--was losing her. It never had hit me before that it was possible, I knew people broke up. But it just didn't seem possible for us to. We seemed meant-to-be. She was everything to me. When I felt down one day, all I had to do was look into her eyes and all my problems, big or small, would be solved in a flash of light.
She pressed her body to me tightly, and then wrapped her arms around my neck, for she could sense my fear. It was something that we had always shared. I always knew what she was feeling, and she always knew what I was feeling. It was a connection that could never be destroyed, even if our relationship was. I knew this was hard for her, as she held my head in her grasp, sighing into my hair. I rested my head on her shoulder.
"I think we should break up." She sputtered out quickly. By her tone of voice, I could tell that she was about to cry, as was I.
That second, I could swear I felt my heart bleeding, as if something was ripped away from it. Inner pain gnawed at my heart roughly. Roughly--what Britney was never. Britney was soft and gentle, but not fragile. It was amazing how soft her touch was, especially for such a muscular body like that. She trembled, and I could feel her shake against my body, because there wasn't an inch of her body that wasn't touching mine.
I guess now I know what real, true, loss felt like. Just like that. I felt like my soul was going to tear into shreds, right before her eyes. And then it would be her loss, but somehow I knew that she was feeling what I was feeling. Pain. Loss. Even though she was holding me tight in her arms, and she wasn't gone. I wasn't gone. I would never leave her.
I couldn't stand anymore, it was too overwhelming, so I pulled myself away from her and sat down on the couch--dropping, actually. This time I could see her eyes though, because they weren't by my shoulder, they were in front of me, and I could see a tear seeping down her cheek. She could see tears in mine too, as she sat down beside me and took my hand in hers. That gentle touch that was no longer mine.
"Is it because I wasn't there for you when you were sick? I'm sorry, Britney." I tensed, hoping she would forgive me and take me back. But she didn't.
"It's not because of that." She had clearly forgotten about that, but now that I mentioned it, it was another reason for her to dump me. Way to go, Christina!
"Why then, Brit?" I asked her. That's all I wanted to know. Why. Where did I go wrong? I couldn't look into her eyes--they just brought me more pain when I looked into those eyes that had promised me so much--so I turned away, bit my lip, and looked down at the hard wood tile floor.
"I found someone else, Chrissy." Was all she said. SOMEONE ELSE?! A wave of anger and hate swept over me like a rushing current. I hated this someone else. Whoever she was. How can someone just come in like that and take her from me? How can someone even find it in their heart to do such an awful thing? Whoever it was, didn't have a heart, and didn't deserve Britney. Britney was an angel, I know she is, but she pretends to be a normal girl like everyone else, but there is just something about her that can't be explained. She had the biggest heart I've ever known someone had. And no one that could do such a thing deserved someone half as good as her.
Now I desperately wanted to know who this girl was. I wanted to find her, and tear her a new belly button, right up to her heart. And maybe then it would equal half as much pain as I went through, and she would still not know how it feels.
"Who is it?" I tore my eyes away from the floor and looked into Britney's eyes, which looked scared. She knew what I was feeling. She knew what I was thinking. And she didn't want to tell me who it was.
"It doesn't matter." She simply said, and nervously tore her eyes away from mine, concentrating on a speck of dirt that lay on the ground, trying not to look into my eyes. I've never in my life, seen someone so interested in a speck of dirt of the ground.
"Tell me." I think my voice sounded threatening almost, and her eyes bounced at the tone, opening her eyelids wide.
"Mandah." Britney gulped in reply. Who the hell was Mandah?! I closed my eyes, praying she didn't mean Mandy Moore.
"Who's Mandah?" I asked her, as she moved her hand up to her face, and wiped a tear away from her hot cheek. She knew I didn't know who Mandah was, and now she didn't want to tell me who Mandah was. She wanted Mandah to remain some anonymous girl that she dumped me for.
"Willaford." She said quietly.
My mouth gaped open. Mandah Willaford. Nick Carter's bisexual ex-girlfriend. Why couldn't Nick of still been with her? If he was with her, I'd still be with Britney. But I shouldn't blame Nick, it's not his fault his girlfriend was such a bitch he had to break up with her. I felt so much hatred build up inside me for her, and promised myself next time I saw her I would beat the living crap out of her.
"After we've been through so much, you dump me for her? Don't you know the connection we have can never be replaced? It's once in an eternity opportunity, Britney. How can you throw it away like that?" I squeezed her hand tightly, and she shamefully looked down onto the ground. The exact same spot she had been concentrating so hard on before.
"I just don't feel the same way I used to about you, Christina. Mandah is the most amazing girl I've ever met."
"And when did you start feeling this way about her?" I asked her, intensely staring into her eyes, which were directed at the floor, but obviously knew that mine were peering into them.
"I don't know, Chrissy, okay? Maybe I'm wrong. I just think we should break up. I don't know. Let's just see how things turn out." She glimpsed into my eyes, trying to pinpoint the exact second I would burst into tears uncontrollably, and start crying on her shoulder, just like whenever something went so wrong in my life I would do that. Unfortunately, absolutely everything was wrong, and she was just adding to it. She knew it too. That's when I exploded into tears, and buried my head deep onto her shoulder, and cried. She was cradling my head with her hands, and I looked up slightly to view her face--to see what expression it showed--guilt. Sorrow. My head slumped down, and I remember seeing her throat. A silver necklace--the necklace I gave her--was hung around her neck. Her arms pressed against my back tighter, and she held me as close as she possibly could. Any I remember thinking, maybe she knew she had made a mistake. Maybe she'll take me back.
If I could just find a way
To make it so that you were right here
Right now..
There's this strong memory in my mind--and for her, it was probably so faint, so distant--but I still remembered it crystal clear. I remember every word, every move, every touch that happened.
It was a beautiful summer night, and we were at the beach. No one was there. Everyone had gone home already, because the sun was going down. I remember watching the sunset with Britney, her soft body laying down beside mine in the clean--almost pink--sand. I live in the city, so I've never seen anything like this in my entire life. The whole sky was this orange-pinkish color, glowing over the ocean that touched the sand, small, gentle waves splashing down on the sand, carrying some of it away, bringing some back. It was like a cycle. The warm water brushed our feet slightly, but I could hardly feel it. It was the perfect setting for a romantic movie. The horizon seemed so stretch for eternity. I looked beside me, and Britney was watching the sky, smiling, amazed by the beauty of it. Her hand was holding mine in the sand.
"Don't you see this where you live?" I asked her, looking into her dark eyes that seemed to shine when they reflected against the sky. She shook her head, and pulled me closer to her.
"Not as beautiful as this." She replied, caressing my head with her hand, raveling my blonde strands with her fingers. Her eyes were still hypnotized by the sunset, fascinated by it.
We lay there for minutes. Water brushing our feet lightly. The smell of salt and beach water filling the air. It was a moment I wouldn't trade for anything. Not for all the riches in the world. It was absolutely priceless. And what I would give to experience it again. Everything. My life.
"Do you ever wonder if the horizon ever ends?" She suddenly spoke, breaking the natural silence of the waves and air. Her eyes ripped away from the sky, and she caught mine in hers.
I held her gaze tightly. Her eyes seemed to search mine for an answer. "It never ends. It goes around. Like the world."
She sighed deeply, obviously thinking about it, and broke the gaze between us, looking back at the sky. My eyes never left hers though.
"Britney." I said, which caused her eyes to gaze back into mine lazily, sleepily. Obviously tired. Maybe it was the surroundings that made her want to drift off. The whole lazy beach setting. "The day that it ends, will be the day that I'll stop loving you. And you know that'll never happen."
She smiled warmly at me, and leaned over on me. I felt her luscious soft lips on mine. Her tongue parted my lips gently and slid in my mouth, tenderly stroking my tongue, my gums.
Sex will never conquer love.
I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I Drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
Now that's on repeat in my mind. Running through it over and over like a broken record. I can't push a stop button though. And there's no pause either. It just continuously plays.
No matter how hard I try, I'll never get the way she kissed me the first time we ever did out of my head either. It's a part of me. Just like she is. I remember that day so clear. It wasn't as romantic as the beach or anything, but it was everything to me.
Dark, cold night. The streetlights were very dim as we walked down the street to the hotel room. The wind kept blowing my hair over my face, and I had to annoyingly keep pulling it back, behind over my ear.
When we finally got there, Britney and I sat down at the table, drinking coffee. *Tensing, I think about coffee. Britney and her coffee. She liked it black, no sugar. She loved coffee. How I remember the days we would just sit there and drink it.* Anyways, coffee was suitable. It was the perfect, cool night for it.
While we sat there, sipping out of the coffee mugs, Britney put hers down and looked into my eyes. At this time, we weren't as serious as we are--okay, were--now. It startled me sort of, so I put down my mug.
I felt her hand on my thigh. First I thought she wanted sex. I hadn't even been to first base--nevermind second and third--with her, so I swallowed hard. But I was wrong. That wasn't what she wanted.
"Christina, ever since..." She trailed off, obviously nervous. I didn't rush her. I didn't want to. I wouldn't.
"Ever since we reunited when Genie In A Bottle came out, I started feeling things that I never felt before. For you. And I wondered if it was just some sort of crush, but now I know it's so much deeper than that. So much more true. So much more real." She sighed deeply, and continued "This is so hard for me to say... Chrissy, I think I'm in love with you."
And then--I don't know what it was--maybe she was some magnet that propelled me to her, like bees on honey. And I just felt my whole face moving towards hers, and our lips met. I've never kissed a girl's lips before. And her lips were the sweetest thing I've ever tasted. Her lips were fuller, and softer than anyone that I've ever been with. My tongue slid into her mouth. I felt her hand on my cheek, her fingers tracing my jawline.
I don't even want to think further than us kissing, because after that we just stayed in the hotel and watched a movie. Some movie I don't even remember, because I was too busy thinking about her. So I'll just leave it at that.
Now I don't wanna make excuses baby
Won't change the fact that you're gone
But if there's something that I could do
Won't you please let me know
I would do anything--absolutely anything--to get her back. I would do anything just to feel her arms around me, holding me tight like she would all those lonely--which weren't so lonely with her--nights. She was my comfort, my strength, and I was so weak without her. I remember how my life was before she came along. My father abused me, emotionally. I didn't have any friends. My parents suffered a divorce which hurt me way more than it hurt them. But then she came along, and everything else seemed so insignificant. Perhaps because she was so much greater than anything else. She helped me get a record deal, and she supported me all the way, even when no one else would and everyone had their back turned against me. She was always there for me, whenever I needed her.
And time is passing so slowly now
Guess that's my life without you
And maybe I could change my everyday
But baby I don't want to
Everyday I wake up, the first thing I think about is her. When I go to sleep, the last thing I think about is her. When I was with her, the first thing I would see when I woke up was her. And the last thing I would see when I went to sleep was her. And then the next morning I would wake up with her holding me tight in her arms, my head resting on the crook of her neck. It was like a dream.
But now I know, dreams don't last forever.
And I know in my heart
You can't say that you don't love me too
Britney still loved me. She always would. And I knew she was making the biggest mistake of her life, letting me go like that. I put all my faith into knowing she would take me back someday. It would be like old times, just me and her. No one, or anything could take away our bond. And no one, or anything could ever take away the love I had for her, and the love she still has--I KNOW it--for me.
Baby girl
Oh what'll I do
If I can't be with you
Tell me where will I turn to
Baby, who will I be now that we are apart
Am I still in your heart
Baby why don't you see
That I need you near here with me
Who am I now, anyway? I'm not Britney's Christina anymore. I don't know who I am. Doesn't she see my pain? Deep down, I know she does. She just doesn't want to see it. Doesn't want to see me hurt, cry over her. But I do. Crying over her was worth it too. When I cry over her, I cry over our future, out past, our memories. What was suppose to happen, but now isn't. We are fate. I'd just like to know what I can possibly do if I can't be with her. The sad truth is, I love Britney. I'm in love with her. A break-up can't tear us apart either, because she will always be apart of my heart and soul. And I know we will be together again.
Maybe not in this lifetime though.
But she'll be mine again.
Just wait and see.
But the truth remains
You're gone...