from the book Twisted II: Spawn of the Twisted

Frrench President Jacques Chirac has decided that his country shall resume nuclear testing at the Mururoa Atoll in the South Pacific. Naturally the Frogs were hesitant to raise mushroom clouds near the Louvre, the Eiffel Tower, the Champs Elysees, so they decided to blow up their thingies in someone else's backyard. Unfortunately they picked our backyard.

So much for all those great French thinkers and their treatises on justice, liberty, equality, and those concepts that are supposed to apply to all human beings, not just those who talk through their noses and carry loaves of bread in their armpits.

The French are usually a bunch of cool dudes; one wonders who put them up to this.

I have a theory. You know who I think is behind this decision to resume nuclear testing in the South Pacific? I can think of two likely suspect.

You probably know that nuclear bombs do not count among your doctor's prescriptions for good health, unless you are old and unhappy and his name is Kevorkian. It is widely believed that exposure to nukes causes genetic muatations. If we take the science-fiction route, we may surmise that after prolonged nuclear tests, the residents of the South Pacific may be born with, oh, three heads, a single leg, an eye in the middle of their butt.

Obviously when this happens, the type of clothes we are wearing today will not only be obsolete, but impossible to wear. T-shirts would have to havetwo extra holes, pants would be limited to a single leg, etc. Who stands to gain from these major changes? Clothing designers and manufacturers, of course. And what is the fashion capital of the world?

Paris, France.

I can see it now: those pointy brassieres by Jean-Paul Gaultier will have three cones instead of two, the classic Chanel suit shall make provisions for an extra arm, and the House of Dior shall reprise its New Look, accessorized with charming bags so the wearer can carry her intestines everywhere she goes. What a bonanza it would be for the financially-troubled haute couture industry when changes in human physiology lead to a humongous demand for new fahions.

The other likely suspect, as far as I can tell, is Broadway.

One of the biggest hit musicals of all times is South Pacific by rodgers and Hammerstein. Note that the title refers to the exact geographical area where the tests, and the subsquent hypothetical mutations, will take place. After the mutations occur, then the world shall be ripe for an updated version of the South Pacific.

The possibilities are staggering Bali Hai becomes Bali Aaargh! Bloody Mary becomesRadioactive Mary or Bloody Mutant, whichever suits the producers' tastes. Some Enchanted Evening, transmogrifies into Some Explosive Evening and Younger than Springtime becomes Younger than Nuclear Winter. I suppose we can keep I'm Gonna Wash the Man Right Out of My Hair, although it's rather difficult to do so when one has three heads.

If we are to dissuade the Frogs from exploding nuked in our neighborhood, we should be able to offer them alternative testing areas. It's only fair, right. Therefore, my friends and I have compiled a list of places where the French can test their bombs.

6. Bosnia-Herzegovina. Hey, no offense to the Serbs, Bosnians, etc., but we don't shoot at French peacekeepers, so how come we get the nukes?
5. Isabelle Adjani's apartment. That pasty-faced woman reportedly gave birth months ago to a child by my longtime spiritual boyfriend, Daniel Day-Lewis. Which would be reason enough, oui?
4. That I.M. Pei thing in front of the Louvre.
3. The Jerry Lewis museum, once it is built.
2. Wherever the supermodels hang out.
1. The bathroom of Jacques Chirac.

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