Wacky, funny stories

The KIASU Syndrome

One day, a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the haircut, he asks how much to pay the barber but the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service." The florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A cop goes for a haircut and he also asks to pay the barber but the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service." The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door. A Singaporean guy goes for a haircut and he also asks to pay the barber but the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service." The Singaporean guy is of course very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there.....A dozen Singaporeans people waiting for a free haircut.

Subject: Voice Mail

We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life.
But you may have wondered: what if God decided to install voice mail?
Imagine praying and hearing this: Thank you for calling The Lord's House.
Please select from the following options:
Press 1 for GENERAL REQUESTS
Press 2 for THANKSGIVING
Press 3 for COMPLAINTS
Press 4 for HEALING
Press 5 for HELP WITH THE IRS
Press 6 for RAIN or NO RAIN
Press 7 for MIRACLES
Press 8 for LOTTERY WINNING NUMBERS
Press 9 for ALL OTHER INQUIRIES OR JUST TO SAY "HI"
Press 0 to hear this menu again
What if God used the familiar excuse: "I'm sorry, all the angels are helping
other SINNERS right now. Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us
and will be answered in this millennium."
Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call God in prayer:
If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 11.
For Michael, press 22.
For a directory of the other Archangels, press 33.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding,
please press 55, then wait for the beep and enter the number of the Psalm you wish to hear.
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, press 62.
Enter his or her social security number, then press the pound (#) key,
enter their date of birth, then press the pound (#) key twice.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth,
where Noah's Ark is, Darwin, Hitler, the Pope, abortion, and UFOs,please wait until you arrive here.
Answers can only be understood from a "heavenly perspective."
To reach Lucifer, press 666, and your call will be automatically transferred.
PLEASE be careful; your receiver may become warm.
Our computers show that you have already called once today.
Please hang up and try tomorrow. This office is closed for the weekend.
Please call again on Monday, after 9:30am, but before 4:30 ACST (Absolute Celestial Standard Time).
To order any religious material, enter catalog number, quantity,and a major credit card number plus expiration date.
For emergencies, refer to your BIBLE.

Three Men on a Plane
Three men, a British, an American and a Malaysian were sitting beside each other on a plane.
The British started introducing himself to the other two,
"My name is Bond, James Bond
The American replies,"My name is Damme, Van Damme, Claude Van Damme, Jean Claude Van Damme".
Not wanting to be left out, the Malaysian added in,"My name is Agung, DiPertuan Agung, Yang DiPertuan Agung, Baginda Yang DiPertuan Agung, Paduka Baginda Yang DiPertuan Agung, Seri Paduka Baginda Yang DiPertuan Agung, Mulia Seri Paduka Baginda Yang DiPertuan Agung, Yang Maha Mulia Seri Paduka Baginda Yang DiPertuan Agung, Duli Yang Maha Mulia Seri Paduka Baginda Yang DiPertuan Agung."

Adam and Eve
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a Problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"Well ... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...You know, woman to woman."