Title: Afterlife
Part title: Down Memory Lane

Author: GMB loves Angel

Spoilers: Iwry (as always), the last four eps of Angel season 2, the bachelor party, Hero, the gift... that's kinda it...

Rating: PG-13

Timeline: A few months after the gift...

Authors notes: This fic series will go between two worlds. Here's my version of what happened after the gift... I admitt it I'm completely hung up in Pylea... Iwry happened a season after than it did in the show...

Dedication: To Dawnie, for her wish for a new part... And to Sarah Mclachlan, because her CD, Fumbling Towards Extacy is playing in the background and it's very inspiring...

Buffy had never in her life… or death… felt so week as now. Her baby was gone. Something had taken her from her. It had been two weeks now and they still didn't have an answer. There had been a little blanket in the crib her daughter had been lying in. That was all she had to hold on to. She felt so helpless. In the world, she would have a circle of friends that could help her, but here she didn't. Doyle was good to have, but there was nothing he could do. Worst of all was that she was away from Angel. Sure, she had found out that she had been carrying Angels child first when she got here, but she would have seen it the minute she looked at that baby. The eyes. She had only seen those eyes one time. She couldn't tell Angel that they had a child together and she couldn't tell him that their baby was gone… disappeared. Maybe even mystically kidnapped. Noone would look. Noone knew about them. They all thought she was dead, the same with the baby.

They were back in the cottage. She was sitting by the window. Crouching on a wooden chair with the blanket in her hands, she stared out the window. She heard Doyle talking to her, but she didn't understand the words. After waving him away, she sunk into the depth of her mind. There she heard the little wail, the one she had only heard twice in her entire life. She wondered if she could remember Dawns wail, even though Dawns entire existence was a lie. If she was supposed to have memories of Dawn her entire life, she would have to recall her wail, but there was nothing. The monks had forgotten to include it. So the only wail she'd ever heard was the one from her daughter.

She sat by that window the entire day. Didn't heard Doyle when he returned. He placed his arm on her shoulder and she jumped almost three feet up into the air. But she didn't turn around.

- Doyle? What happens when we die here?

- We're already dead. I don't know if we can die here…

- But this isn't paradise. It's just an other dimension. It's a world of life and death. They have families here. And families can't just be made here, because then it would be full one day.

- I'm not saying that there aren't death here, but we have already died in our world. But if we die here, they have to send us somewhere else and from there to the next and then when we've been everywhere, we have to return somewhere. We can't just leap from world to world. And the powers can't just suddenly decide to stash our souls…

- So we're immortal here? But what would happen if we found our way back to the world? Our real world?

- I don't know. I don't think we're supposed to know.

Buffy still faced the window. She knew she wasn't supposed to know, but she needed to. She wouldn't be able to function until she knew.

- There has to be a way to find out, she stated, firmly.

The Sunsets here were so incredibly beautiful. They were magical, like the entire dimension felt sometimes. The evenings were her best parts. When she lived in the world, they had been the worst, because then her job started and it was just an other day at the office.

- Every night I would walk out the door and wonder if this would be my last day, she muttered.

- That's not a good thing to think…

- I know, but I couldn't help it. I always figured my death wouldn't matter. Not really. Maybe in the beginning, after I'd got used to it, I would imagine it to be a huge fight that took me out. Then when I was almost killed during a patrol, I started to rethink it. I understood that it didn't have to be a huge fight, but only me with bad luck and them with good. Spike helped me with that thought. I was scared and wondered how my last fight would be and he gave me some kind of answer, that I didn't like, but accepted. And to think that it was neither…

- How did you die? Do you finally remember?

- Yeah. It's kinda funny. I had won the one on one with the Hellgod. She was no longer a threat towards me. She was beaten into a bloody pulp. I don't know what happened with her, but when I left her she was a mess that couldn't even stand. Up on the top of the Tower, Dawn, my sister was tied up. She was to be a sacrifice… ok, more like a key to open the portal. That was her purpose. And I had won over the God that was gonna do it. Then I saw someone up there with her. Spike was almost up there, but something told me I had to be there as well. There was a demon. Spike managed to distract him for a while, buying me more time. Then Spike was thrown off the Tower. Then I was there. Too late. He had cut her. I killed him and got to her and was about to get her away, when her blood hit the hot spot and opened the portal. I saw everything coming down all around us. I knew that something had to be done. Dawn tried to jump, but I wouldn't let her. I couldn't bare to live on, knowing I had let her kill herself. I couldn't loose her, but I could loose myself. So I jumped. I chose to die. It was painful and got darker. It was like something started twirling me around and then it was just a world of dizziness… up until I woke up here.

Doyle didn't say a thing. He didn't have to. This was the world, where she didn't have to impress anyone. She didn't need to talk about it. She understood it all herself. There was nothing to go deeper in. She remembered it. She shared it and that was it. They would never speak of it again. Doyle pressed juice of some fruit and poured it into two cups. They sat down and drank it up in silence.

- If you got to ask the Powers a question, Buffy suddenly asked. - What would you ask them?

- What do you mean by asking? Ask to get something or to get an answer?

- To get an answer. What you most want to hear?

- I would want to hear if Cordy was all right, if she's happy. I would do anything to make her happy. What about you?

- What happens if we manage to get back to the world, compared to what will happen here. I have to know. I can't go all in ignorance anymore. I could in the world, but this isn't my world. I know one piece of the puzzle now, but it's not enough.

- I know…