08.21.02 - 1:54 am

so my bday has come and gone.....nothing special....

got a few calls...i got so emotional i cried when ga called....

i dunno what's wrong with me lately. i'm on the crazy emotional rollercoaster. i can't show it to my family...so i'm stuck venting online. i was venting to this one guy....and i felt so bad. he was getting annoyed with my getting all emotional for no reason...and....it got kinda ugly. but....whatevers. i'm sure he's fine. not like i really know the guy n/e wayz. i juss needed to let it out~

andrew was surprisingly very helpful. normally, he's pretty insensitive. and he knows it. but...he actually gave me a call after i told him it's my bday. he called to say happy bday. and that made me soooooo happy~~ and....even just now....he told me to vent to him...about everything. just the fact that he offered was soooo refreshing.

i need to stop moping....stop wallowing in self-pity. it's just really sad tho...i'm so disappointed in those that i actually considered as close friends....that don't even bother to IM me once in a while when they see my sn on. that don't bother to pick up the phone and call, even tho my cellie # is still local to them. those that can't fit me into their schedules...when i'd gladly put everything aside to do something tiny for them~~~~ it's sad, really.

so disappointed. only my uncle called...and he let me talk to the kids....but...other than that, and the people here in tx, my family didn't call to say happy bday. am i making too big of a deal out of it? i guess so. why do i make such a big deal out of birthdays?? i dunno. i really dunno. it's a curse....

08.19.02

today...cuz of janet...and stevie... i think i'm the happiest i've been in a long time.

yesterday, when i was calling randy, as i pressed send, i became overwhelmed with emotion. maybe it's because it's a certain time of the month, but...yeah. lol. i was on the verge of crying when randy picked up. he heard it in my voice, i guess. he asked what was wrong...and i sorta...told him why i was so depressed.

i thought about it, and i guess it's cuz i miss cali so frickin much. i miss cali...and everyone there. i know i'm being selfish, but why can't i live with my family and be near friends at the same time?? i mean...it really sucks. i know there are plenty of people out there that have it much worse than i do, but...why can't i just be at least within driving distance...like even 2 hours...of everyone?? my family's in texas. my brother's in boston. my friends are in s.cali.

and...on top of that, i started to get emotional about how much my friends really miss me. i mean...honestly. i'm not just saying this. and it might be dumb, but it really saddens me to think i'm not missed as much as i miss everyone else. i mean...to really understand the dynamics of this situation, you hafta understand how much i value my friends & family. i mean...i'm completely and utterly attached to my friends.

i latch on to people easily. those that i do latch myself onto...i really give my all to them. and...i mean...i'll go all out. no matter what happens... and...even if they let go of me, i'm willing to stay there...for them. or...sometimes...if something goes wrong, i'll wait till they come back~

and...talking to some people about it..i mean...mitchell oppa...randy...nikki unnie...i felt a little better. but...i was so frickin depressed last night that i seriously wanted to bawl. i wanted to cry my eyes out. but i couldn't. i don't know why. the tears wouldn't come out. maybe i would have felt better if i did cry, but...i dunno. so it was all bottled up...and i didn't know what to do. i wanted to go to bed and sleep it off.

when i woke up this morning, i'll admit, i did feel a little better. but...still all dap dap hae. in the mail, i got a package from janet. she's sucha sweetie. i love her to pieces. she sent me my bday gift..and the sweetest card. i called her up and i got all emotional again~

i still didn't feel better though. what can i do, though, right? all i can do is sit here and wallow in my depression.

then, stevie came online while i was on @ pc bang. and....i straight up asked him if he missed me. and he was saying stuff like, "of course!" and...he said some really sweet stuff... and i won't get into all of that, but...he seriously...made my frickin week. forreals. i mean...just having one person like that.....in addition to janet... DANG. i was soooooooo grateful.

and.....i know i have inee too. she's sucha sweetie. ^_~

....................................................................

i miss cali.

08.13.02

yesterday, in the daytime, i had lots of stuff to do. my day started out with my parents waking me up hecka early to go to school. i had to go & make sure they got my app, and take care of n/e thing that needed to be taken care of. i went, but, as it turns out, they hadn't received my app, which i had sent in via fax. DRAT. i filled out another app & handed it to the girl there. she informed me that it might not be processed in time to register for the fall, but to check back in 5 days. GREAT~

then, i had to get my car inspected, which meant i had to get insurance first. my daddy called & added me onto his policy~ then i went to the safety inspection place...where i got my car inspected for $13.50. from there, i went to the county courthouse~ apparently, there are 2 buildings that say county courthouse. and i went to the wrong one. the one i went to is the original county courthouse built in the early 1900's. it was closed. it's a "hard had area," the sign read. so...i walked around, looking for the current courthouse with no luck. i had to call my dad about 5 times cuz he didn't know the exact streetnames. i guess he called or something, cuz he called & told me where to go.

i went to the courthouse, gave them my insurance papers, driver's license, green slip from inspection, and waited. and waited. took about 5-10 minutes to process the info~ and cost about $177. but when it was all done, i got my sticker & license plate (cutest license plate! at the top, it's the night sky, with stars & the moon...and there's a space shuttle. in the middle, between the alphanumerics, there's the shape of texas. at the bottom, there's a cowboy on a horse). i left, forgetting to register to vote. *snap~* drat.

from there, i went home, to look decent for my driver's license photo. i washed my face, put on a lil makeup (i know, i'm sucha girl, ain't i? lol) and left for the department of public safety (like cali's dmv). i got the form, and was told i needed everything i had plus my social security card. ERGH~ the one thing i forgot. i had to go back home, pick up the card, get some extra $$ and go back to the dps. i went, took the pic, gave my $$, and left, leaving my CA driver's license. dang it. i wanted to keep that. :(

finally~ i got home...and i could eat my lunch! but..my mom forgot to plug in the rice cooker. great. so i had to wait another 30 minutes to eat. but i had my dessert first (ice cream) which watching zoolander.

it's very strange having a place to consider my own home. very cool though. and...i love living with my immediate family. absolutely LOVE it. :) and...it's awesome having my own dogs. LOVE LOVE LOVE. i took the dogs jogging last night. i think i jogged about 1/2 a mile with them, but it was really hard to do. there aren't sidewalks around my neighborhood, so we were in the street, at night. everytime a car started coming, i had to make sure ella & louis were safely on the side. and...the leashes kept getting tangled cuz they were running this way & that. *whew* tough~ but...fun. then, i walked with them some more...i was out for about 30-45 minutes. what a good workout~

all in all, a decent day~

08.09.02

so i'm officially moved to texas. it's really hot. there are huge bugs. i'm sleepy. exhausted. but...it's nice to finally have a place i can call my home. i miss everyone so much~ especially those i couldn't say goodbye to. but i shall visit soon...i hope~