wow. Christmas has come and gone. happy christmas, everyone. it didn't feel much like christmas this year, though. why not? hmm...i can't really figure it out. maybe it's cuz i haven't gone to any retreats and i know i'm not going to be able to go to any? maybe because i still have to freaking work, even though my eemo has "jury duty"?? i wish i could use that excuse. grrr. maybe it's because i feel so far from God this year...more so than any Christmas ever before.

that's really strange...i left my last church half a year ago, almost...in order to get closer to God...cuz i felt that the church was creating more distance between God & me (yea...some churches can do that, apparently). and yet...in spite of my search for a new church, my desire to seek God has diminished greatly. i don't doubt the existence of God. oh no. i don't think i'll ever doubt that. i KNOW He exists. how could i not?

i was talking to hyun suck oppa yesterday (poor oppa...in so much pain from his teeth~!) and he assured me that it's normal...for that to happen. i don't want it to happen tho. but i'm so lazy to pick up that BiBLE. i'm so tired. hyun suck oppa said that we're not meant to have to grow spiritually, alone. that's why i've been struggling so much? cuz i have no one to help me out. i mean...i do, but i don't. i want to find a church that motivates me. a pastor that God truly uses to stimulate & inspire & invigorate me~ a place in which i'm comfortable to worship freely. WHY CAN'T I FIND WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR??

maybe i'm not looking hard enough. or maybe my standards are too high? but why ARE they too high for this world?? what has happened to our churches?? CORRUPT, CORRUPT, CORRUPT!! because WE'RE merely human, right? but...why is it so different from churches way back when? they're just as human as we are...

my heart hurts. i mean...literally. it physically hurts. i don't know if it's my heart, exactly...but it's in that vacinity. OW. and my heart aches.

in reaching out retreat of 2000, i felt the worst pain in my life. my heart was aching really hard for one student of mine. it was really hard for me. i REALLY wanted him to truly find God. we go to church for so long that those words, "amen," "praise God," among many others just flow off our tongue so easily. just as easily as so many of us use curse words. in the Bible, somewhere in the book of james (this is how far i've strayed..i don't even clearly remember where), it says that we praise God with the same tongue that we curse each other. too true. but my point is that...he said he'd gone to so many missions...so many retreats. yet...to me, it didn't seem like he really KNEW God. how many of us REALLY do, tho?

my heart was aching for him. everytime i let him leave early from mealtimes to go "lie down" cuz he didn't feel good, and saw him playing basketball instead, tears just flowed from my eyes because of all the pain that i felt. i could barely breathe because of the burden i felt for this kid. and i prayed and prayed. not just for him, but also for myself. that somehow...maybe i could do my part to help him out. i knew it couldn't be done just by me, though.

ok...so maybe i'm sorta going off on tangents here, but i guess that's just how the human mind works, usually, right? or is that just me?? *shrug* it's just all the stuff that's goin on for me right now...

it's been so long since my last update that i have all this crap i need to say but haven't. and i'm so lazy that i don't wanna post it all up. plus, i don't really feel like having it all there for the whole world to see *(not that so many ppl read it n/e wayz, but still...easy access...it's the whole idea that it's there for everyone...if they would ever get their lazy butts to read my page)*~ err....enough for today...