ok...so i thought i was interested in someone. this sort of thing used to happen a lot. but lately, i haven't been infatuated with really anyone. my last "crush" was for, what...three years? but...i didn't think i'd be infatuated with someone so easily...and then get turned off so easily by that same guy~
so...let me explain. if you hadn't read in my journal, i thought i was having feelings for someone. i mean...thinking about him 24-7...craving his hugs...craving his scent...geez. i'm such a nerd. but n/e wayz, yesterday i had to reevaluate my feelings.
**sidenote - geez, what if he reads this? i really didn't want to be the first one to say n/e thing about n/e thing like this.... o well...he doesn't check my homepage n/e ways. and if he does...then i guess it might be better to have everything in the open. i'm not gunna ask him to check it tho...
what happened? well......i guess we both overreacted. or at least i think we did. i dunno. i've been calling him a lot, lately...and i really hate doing that cuz i feel like i annoy people easily. (shawn & eugene claim they don't get annoyed by me, and that they should be the ones annoying me, but still.) i guess it's cuz i get annoyed easily...so i'm afraid of annoying people i care about...cuz i don't want them to not wanna talk to me and hang out with me... but yeah, so i've been calling him, msging him a lot. but yesterday, i left a couple msgs and tried calling a few times cuz i wanted to see him.....cuz i thought he wanted me to do him a favor n/e ways. but when i called, he just sounded annoyed, like he usually does when he picks up the phone when i call. i asked if he got my msgs, and when he said yes, i was wondering why the freak he didn't call me back. i said, "so......." and he said he couldn't talk. so i said, "ok, bye," and hung up. i think i cut him off, but i thought i was doing him a favor by letting him go when he couldn't talk...and plus, i was in an area with really bad reception.
a few minutes later, i got a msg on my cell. i couldn't really hear much of it, since it was mostly mumbled, but i think i heard something about hanging up on him...and, "forget it then." so this gets me a lil frustrated...because i was already a lil frustrated that he didn't even try to contact me after i had left him msgs. and it was for him that i was gunna meet him, n/e wayz.
after i basically took out my anger on shawn (thanks, shawn for just laughing and not getting pissed off @ me for yelling), and we got to my car, i noticed that i had "1 missed call" from him. i decided to call and let him know that i didn't mean n/e thing by hanging up like that, but he didn't pick up the phone. so i left a msg. and it wasn't an angry msg...i swear. but he never called back. and he never msged me back either. i think he purposely didn't answer. (you think i'm being paranoid, but i know for a fact that he does this. when i was with him, he didn't pick up several calls from this one girl...and didn't even call her back. maybe he called her later, but still. and he didn't even check the msg she left her~). n/e wayz, i called back AGAIN on my drive home, but he didn't pick up then either. i left a msg telling him i wanted to talk to him, but he still didn't call back.
maybe i was wrong. maybe i was wrong about him.
shawn said i'm basically going thru all the relationship stuff without getting n/e of the benefits. am i? geez..it sure feels like it. basically, that's what paul told me once..and it was after that, when i realized it sure was just that. so i decided to lighten up. and i can say for certain that i've only acted like i had before...ummm..once since then. a big improvement, i would say...
soooooo..what do i do now? where do i go from here? should i just try to forget about him? or......try my hardest to contact him? geez..i've tried to contact him many, many times. he doesn't return my phone calls...he won't pick up the damn phone. sounds like a frickin relationship to me. how'd i get myself into this? honestly...before.....i thought maybe i'd wanna get "with" him, but if yesterday was what i think it was...i mean...if i wasn't misunderstanding him..what he'd said and all that, then i guess not. o well...it's not like he wants to get in a relationship with me, prolly. honestly..i think i've just been annoying him lately. the last few times i've seen him, he seems to be getting more distant n/e ways.......
dammit. why do i feel like crying? eesh...i'm so damn emotional lately. ergh. i mean..i'm not gunna cry. i prolly couldn't cry, even if i weren't at work...but i feel....and crappy inside. ERGH. ok...i'm being melodramatic. stop it, eugenie.
i guess there isn't really much i can do about the situation. he's not even answering his phone...or returning my phone calls. we shall see...
02.18.02
ok...soooooo. i guess i worked it out with him. we're "cool." but i dunno what my feelings are about him. i think i'd rather not get too worked up about it just yet, though...