so yesterday, i was at sed's apt yesterday. (for those of you that are still lost, sed = shawn, eugenie, daniel. i was talking with eugene, and the subject of my lil cousins came up. he said to tell them he said, "hi." i told him that jonny prolly misses him cuz he doesn't have n/e boys to play with at home. so eugene tells me i need to get a boyfriend. yeah. i need to get a boyfriend so jonny has someone to play with, right? lol

ok...so, honestly, i've wanted a boyfriend for a while. no shame in admitting that. after all, many ppl out there, my age & older (as well as younger) want a boyfriend...men & women~ but here's the thing with me. i don't want just any boyfriend.

some of my friends call me an idealist, but maybe that's what we all need to be. i don't want to date around. sure, i'll hang out with lotsa different people--going over to their places, watching a movie, having dinner--but i don't want to exclusively date just anyone. i want a real boyfriend. someone that's a potential "the one." someone i can imagine myself "growing old with." i love that expression. i don't want something superficial. i want something real.

andy keeps teasing me. why don't you go for him?? we get into it everytime we talk. he keeps asking why i don't go out with daniel, eugenie, etc. of course he is joking, for the most part, but it makes me wonder...where is that guy for me? i'm not saying that my guyfriends are GREAT guys...they're just not the guys for me. and i'm the girl for them. and i've come to accept this fact.

my oppa...and cousin...along with many guyfriends of mine, have told me to just go out there and grab a guy. according to them, it's that easy. and guys like aggressive girls, huh? guys like to be pursued for a change, huh? well..i've tried that. and...in the end it didn't work out. it may not have had anything to do with the fact that i pursued the guy, but then again, it might have everything do to with that fact. plus, i'm sick of being the pursuer. why can't a guy go for me for a change?

ok...i don't have the highest self-esteem out there. but when i look at myself, i'm pretty realistic, i think. i'm not drop-dead gorgeous. i don't have a killer body. i can be annoying. i'm lazy. i talk on the phone too much. i get obsessive sometimes. i drive sorta like a guy sometimes (actually, according to daniel b, this can be a good thing). i get annoyed easily. i have double standards. i'm indecisive.

but...i do have qualities i'm very proud of, also. and i have some gifts & talents that you don't see everyday. i'm a genuinely nice person. i'm pretty honest. i hold strongly to my beliefs. i'm not a wreckless driver. i'm loyal. ok...so i'm not gunna list everything, but you get it, right? according to some people, i have some cute mannerisms, but iono about that one.

i guess i don't hafta have a boyfriend right now, but it just seems like the whole world is rubbing it in my face that everyone's involved in a relationship but me. ok..maybe not the whole world. i do have friends that aren't involved...but i know they can just go out and get someone just like *snap* that. most of these people i just mentioned have just gotten out of a relationship or something. sometimes i think to myself, "well, maybe if i just lost a whole bunch of weight, i'll be appealing to some guy and he'll ask me out." but..honestly, i don't know if i wanna do that. i mean, i do wanna lose weight, but how will i know that guy likes me for me, then? i want someone that'll stick with me no matter what i look like...cuz my looks are gunna change a lot over the years...especially when i get old. and...i'll stick with him no matter what he looks like. it's not physical appearance that i'm after n/e wayz.

of course, i do always tell people i want a guy that's taller than me, but like i said in a previous entry, it's not written in stone.

ergh...i have some other stuff i wanted to say, but i gotta go write a paper that shawn just reminded me of. ergh..only 15 minutes to write it!!