THE NEWS PAGE Read it. ALL of it. NOW. TUESDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2003 5:03 P.M. I'm sure that at least some of you know, but I thought I would mention this just to be sure. We are having a New Years Eve Party at the crackhouse and there will be much rejoycing. And much music. And much DDR. And if you are blessed with any musical talent, bring it with you for this will be a night of jaming. And hell, even if your not blessed with talent, as long as you enjoy picking up an instrument and making noise, you are welcome to come. Your friends are too. For all the same reasons. --{CB}Marsupial Vomit WEDNSDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2003 3:30 P.M. No news is good news. Or is it old news is new news? Some news might be news? The Jews have the news? No wait, I'm sorry, The Hebrew has the news! That's it! SCHMUKE'S GETTIN' HITCHED!!!! W00t! Yippie! h0r4x! (???) Coming up in early January, Mike "{CB}A Wandering Hebrew" and Vanessa "(CB}Just" are getting married. Imagine that, a Crack Baby wedding? Hmm... The possibilities are endless... Honestly, Vanessa is the only "honorary" Crack Baby that was brought in by an associative relationship that has truly become a Crack Baby in her own right. Now we just need info from her for a profile on the site here. SPEAKING OF WHICH! Welfare needs to get some other goodies straigtened out on this site (Like removal of ex-CB paraphernalia). We all need to get an actual web space figured out as well and begin usage of the "davesmom" site name that Mike secured so long ago. In even other more news, this weekend is a Computer Pro All-Nighter Game Night. Hope to see as many of you there as possible. P.S. Please read the last news post and tell me what's wrong with me. I'm serious. I want to know why I think like that sometimes. --{CB}Marsupial Vomit TUESDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2003 9:40 A.M. Buy stuff and you don't remember it? That's scary? WTF?!? Marsup's lost. Plain and plaid. Plad? Tartan? Maybe scottiedufiersheinenen...en... PROVE IT!! PROVE IT GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!! Damn bitches, dissin' on AMD. "Celeron's are better!" FUCK YOU! Piss off you dumb hoe bag. (new favorite word - Hoe Bag -)(OK, OK, Old favorite word. And it is spelled H-O-E B-A-G, not H-O B-A-G [but I guess everyone here knows that]) Your a vegitarian? It's OK, we'll eat lamb! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Would you believe that I'm at work right now. Shit. I guess you would cause of the time stamp. Prick. PIN! Pin prick! (just a little prick?) Does your hair look like a tennis ball that's been hit too many times? Do you need to thank an old grandmother for your clean golf balls? Has your cock been plucked by dumb Uncle Joe? (he thought it was a chicken) Look at the little cross-eyed chihuahua on the street corner and yell "MADNESS!!!!!!!" This dose of Marsupial Vomit's everyday life is brought to you by the letter 'E'. E. E is for e-mail. The e-mail that Hebrew sent me requesting more news. This is not news. This is a run on on on until I start foaming at the mouth and falling over backwards is a wonderfull way to break your back on the rocks below where the ocean keeps breaking all my toys are telling me totypewithoutspacesbutthen you would get very annoyed with the text that is imposible to read on some web sites like to make too many porno popups are sometimes the only entertainment that I can get some at night alone with my lovely rita from shareaza ripped me off and sold me out to the RIAA are coming to take me away ha ha to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy to see those nice gorillas in white coats are eating all the bananas. ... ....... I SAID PROVE IT GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!! --{CB}Marsupial Vomit WEDNSDAY, JUNE 11, 2003 9:40 A.M. Welfare Gorilla? Welfare Goooriiiiiillllllaaaaaaa????? Kitten SlAyER??? AnYBodY!!??!?!?!??! Umm.... well, I thought that someone was going to post an update about the last Game Night at CPro, but I guess everyone here sucks ass... Aww... did you click on the link above and get inundated with porno pop-ups? Poor baby. Have some more. Well, we had some fun at this last game night. I was finally able to talk the owners of the shop into upgrading the game room comps to XP2000 machines and we played some rightous BF1942 and Desert Combat for such. We've also now got UT2003 on the machines. Fun fun FUN. for all ages... This sucks. Maybe I'll post more later. Hebrew says "Mmm... Cheese fries... Yeah, it's all good!" (I would have made Cheese Fries a link, but it's a lame-ass "Buy this webspace!" page) --{CB}Marsupial Vomit FRIDAY, MAY 02, 2003 12:23 A.M. Whoa, news post. How's this work again? Knock knock knock on heaven's door... HOLY CRAP!!!!!!! Again? HOLY CRAP!!!!!! Once more? HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!! OK, there is a game night at CPro this weekend and I know that noone ever bothers to read this shit, so I'll be brief and stop wasting my time. I want CB's at this game night. That said, I'll explain. There has been too much disparity within this clan. We've drifted apart, even those of us who are still hanging out together and even still gaming together. The crack house isn't what it used to be. Games no longer seem to drive life at it, although there is at least one good reason for that. For anyone who doesn't know, I, Marsupial Vomit, am going to be a father! I'm stoked. And have been spending nearly all of my time with my Kitten Kat and getting ready. On a side note, GEOCITIES SUCKS ASS AND WILL NOT LET ME SAVE THIS UPDATE!!!!! I'll talk to Welfare more about that later. Actually, by the time that this ends up on the website, it'll probably already be taken care of. Kinda have too if it's up there... or here... TACOS!!!!!!!! --{CB}Marsupial Vomit SUNDAY, FEBUARY 02, 2003 7:22 P.M. THE MONKEY SONG!!! is now ready to be downloaded for preview reasons... hehe..... AND NO IT IS NOT RASTAFARIAN!!!!!! --{CB}Marsupial Vomit FRIDAY, JANUARY 31, 2003 5:42 PM Woah... news post from Marsup... Just a quick update as to why I don't suck but lick in small circles... I'm lazy. I'm very lazy. I've been telling myself all week to get pics from my camera from the last CPro overnight LAN and put them up on here and CPro's website. And I haven't. It's not all my fault. Welfare and Slayer were bad influences last night. BUT! We did get something productive done. We now have the MONKEY SONG!!! And no, it is not rastafarian! Shut up! I told you, I'm lazy and can't think of any other cool colors that will show up on the black background right now. The MONKEY SONG!!! will soon be appearing somewhere around here for download. Along with pictures. And tacos. And pictures of tacos. And of your mom. Suck it. Game Night is tomorrow at CPro and Mysterymeat puts it and the lazyness best: I'll try to make it to this Game Night, depends on if I fall asleep again or just get too lazy. I need to stop being lazy. Lazy is bad. Lazy is fun though. Lazyness is for Lazy peoples. Am I a lazy people. No, I cannot be a lazy people, since I am just one person. I guess I am a lazy person. Lazy persons are fun. That still makes no sense. I am wearing pants. Pants are fun. Pants are like lazy people, they just sit on your ass there and do nothing. I could use to update my webpage once in a while. I need to make it look better. To looks like shit. I just said "to" instead of "it". I'm too lazy to fix it. I'm just going to ramble on and on and on and on. My webpage may hopefully move soon. My friend Alex has a dad who's a geek, and runs a server, which runs Alex's website (AlexHerbert.com). I might get a nifty shell account and some webspace. Yay. Angelfire blows. I do not like Angelfire. They have pop-ups. Pop-ups make me angry. I just downloaded a tool called Pop-Up Stopper. It's made by PanicWare. I panic everytime I use it. It wors good. It closes every popup that occurs, and I can stop it with holding down either the Shift or Ctrl keys. The Shift and Ctrl keys are fun. When you hold them down, you can do special things. When you hold them both down, you can do extra special things. Dave's mom is "special" too. I like to do her, along with the special things in Windoze. I like to do them both at the same time. Alt is a fun key, too. It reminds me of a joke. Two penguins are sitting on a keyboard. One says "pass the salt." Hahaha. That is so funny. There's another funny joke. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his dick. The bartender asks why it's there, and the pirate responds, "Arr, I dunno, but it's driving me nuts!" Pirates are cool. Ninjas suck compared to pirates. Ninjas think they're so leet just because they are assasins and they can kill me without me hearing them. Pirates are cooler. They rampage, and rape, and steal money. Money's cool. I like money. I wish I had money. I guess I could get a job and get money that way. I'd rather rape and plunder and pilage like a priate. That's why pirates are so cool. There are space-pirates, too. They are cooler than ordinary pirates because they're in space. Space rocks. Rocks are fun. HappyNoodleBoy submitted something to SomethingAwful. Was it really Happy, or some jackass pretending to be Happy? Or what about a jackass who's imitating a jackass imitating Happy's mother imitating Happy? Dave's mom is such a MILF. I swear, I'm not on drugs. -Mysterymeat SEE!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!! I CAN THINK OF OTHER COLORS!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it was blue so it matched the mood of his words... For a little fun on the side, don't see Dave's mom, see The Viking Kittens --{CB}Marsupial Vomit P.S. AlexHerbert.com sucks ass. SATURDAY, JANUARY 13, 2003 10:30 PM You guys see that? Yep, that's right, NEW TOP BAR, BABY! See, now I have given you all yet another reason to keep checking back with the site, because every week or two (or maybe more often), we'll be kicking out new skins for the site's header. If you have any graphic skills, just make something appropriately CrackBabyish and email it to me. It has to be in .GIF format, and it has to be 800 x 134 pixels. If you send it to me and it doesn't meet the requirements (or it just plain sucks), I will email you back and say "Dude, your graphic is gay. Go kill yourself." Then I will contact your parents and tell them that I have reason to believe that there is pornography in your internet history, and that they should check and find out for themselves. Understand that once I do this, you will be completely screwed, because I'm willing to bet that not ONE of you DOESN'T look up porn on the net. Not me though. No sir. I have never, ever, ever been to www.lesbianswithvegetableoil.com in my LIFE. I swear. Honest. Oh yeah! I was going to write the full story about how I got kidnapped by ninjas. Here it goes... I know a lot of you are probably upset because I haven't updated this site much. But I assure you, there has been a perfectly logical reason why I haven't posted news in a long time. One day last September, I was walking home from the police academy with a bucket of fried chicken, minding my own business, when suddenly I was attacked by a troop of ninjas! Fortunately, I have become a master of the kung fu I was trained in at the academy, and it also just so happens that I had invented a specialized form of kung fu that involves using buckets of fried chicken as a deadly weapon. To name it, I created a compound string of ancient Korean words to form the name kung-fried-fu-chicken-fu-fu-shit-ass. I proceeded to dispatch the vile ninja fuckfaces one by one, until there was only one left armed with a tennis racket. I couldn't fight him, because by then I had eaten all of the fried chicken. Fighting makes you get very hungry. This is one bug I have not yet been able to work out of kung-fried-fu-chicken-fu-fu-shit-ass. Unfortunately, the last ninja knocked me out with his tennis racket. When I woke up, I found myself in a cell in an underground ninja dungeon. There was always a ninja guarding my cell, and I could always hear the other ninjas upstairs, drinking and laughing and doing math problems. Every few days they would come downstairs and point and laugh and throw rice at me, because they were ignorant chinks, and all chinks eat rice and look the same. I'd be afraid to date a ninja girl, because I might accidentally sleep with her mother. But be rest assured, when I sleep with Dave's mother, it's no accident. But anyway...I lived like this down in the dungeon cell for four months. The only nourishment I recieved was a poor diet of purple koolaid and asparagus. Then, one day, the guard to my cell fell asleep. I reached through the bars and grabbed the girly magazine he was reading. It also just so happens that while attending the police academy, I also developed another specialized form of kung fu that involves using magazines as a deadly weapon. To name this new and complex form of combat, I created a compound string of ancient Japanese words to form the name kung-spanky-fu-smack-fu-fu-fuck-shit. Using the magazine, I perfectly executed a powerful super-spanky-jerk-wa-dang-fow-po uppercut, and smashed open the bars of my cell. Then I stabbed the guard to death with the lockpick I always keep in my pocket. I ran upstairs and grabbed a laser gun and proceeded to cut the rest of the ninjas in half! The stench of burnt flesh filled the air (and you know what? They all smell the same too). Having slayed my captors, I ran outside and discovered, to my surprise, that the ninja headquarters I had been trapped in was actually the house next door to the Crack House! I was about to run over and tell all the CrackBabies about my adventure, but I was hungry so I drove home and ate a lot of fried chicken and then I forgot about the whole thing because the fried chicken tasted SOOOOOO good. --{CB} Welfare Gorilla SATURDAY, JANUARY 11, 2003 10:50 PM FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, I just typed up a WHOLE FUCKING NEWS POST, and when I tried to submit it, Geocities said that the page had expired and I lost the WHOLE FUCKING THING. Geocities blows. Bill, can we move the {CB} site to the CPU server or something? Ok, ok. I'll just type up the short version of the whole goddamn post I just wrote. I haven't updated in a long time. It's because I got kidnapped by ninjas. I killed them. I then went home and ate fried chicken. I'll be making some changes here and there on the site in the near future. None of you will notice because youIHATEAUSTRALIANS never come here. Which brings me to my New Years resolution, which is to update this site every week. It probably won't happen because I'll forget in five minutes. Hell, I'm already starting to forget. Blow me. Oh yeah, and I want to start doing reviews here. Games, game mods, CDs, bands from mp3.com, movies, and reviews of how cool I am because my girlfriend is the hottest woman to ever exist in all of the history of the universe. And how about reviews of how Geocities is a worthless PIECE OF FUCK shitfuckdieihateyoumotherfuckfagshitfuckdieass. Send all reviews to glockaholic302@yahoo.com. Bill and Paul also have access to the site now, so they'll be doing posts also. I've been attempting to make skins for Day of Defeat lately. They suck and I hate you. I invented a specialized form of kung fu that involves using buckets of fried chicken as a deadly weapon. To name it, I created a compound string of ancient Korean words to form the name kung-fried-fu-chicken-fu-fu-shit-ass. Ok, that's ALL of the fucking news for now, and there were absolutely no subliminal messages anywhere in this news post. Oh yeah, and there was an overnighter at CPU last weekend. It kicked ass. That's all for now; I'll type up more (like the full ninja kidnap story) when I'm done being pissed at Geocities. --{CB} Welfare Gorilla MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 2002 9:06 PM Holy Batman! An update! Several new things in the CrackBaby world right now. First thing I need to pass down is the fact that, after more than a year of collecting skins/models/sprites and creating countless gun sounds, Counter-Strike Enhanced is FINALLY done. Those of you who attended the September 7th Game Night at Computer Pro got to experience its amazing immortal Aryan superiority for yourself. SPEAKING of the last Game Night, might I point out that not NEARLY enough of you fucking homos showed up for it. From what I heard, you were all at home with HappyNoodleBoy, listening to Michael Bolton's greatest hits while watching gay porn and eating Bugles. SPEAKING OF BUGLES, TODAY'S NEWS POST IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY BUGLES. YUM YUM. But anyway, I know all this because HappyNoodleBoy called me the next day and said "Hi Welfare Gorilla! Sorry I missed Game Night last night. Hey you know what? Michael Bolton is the best! He's SOOOOOOO dreamy! Want some Bugles?" I hung up about the time that he began to babble on about Mr. Bolton's glistening gonads. I also have two other things to tell you girls about before I end this post. First of all, we have two new members: {CB}Kitten Slayer / Deth Metul Paul -- You all know this guy as [WW]Slayer. He wears glasses. His profile is up on the members page. I'm not gonna make the word "members" a link to the members page because I know it'll piss everyone off. Blow me. {CB}MiseryMachine -- My good buddy Scott. Damn good CS player. He's lazy and hasn't sent me his profile yet. If he doesn't send it soon, I'm gonna make it up for him and make it talk all about how much he loves Michael Bolton. One more thing I must write about. I have just recently gotten around to downloading and trying out the newest version of Day of Defeat, and I just have to say this: BILL, THE NEW DAY OF DEFEAT FUCKING ROCKS AND WE ABSOLUTELY MUST PLAY IT AT THE NEXT GAME NIGHT AND NO, THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE AND IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY WITH THESE DEMANDS THEN I WILL DRIVE TO YOUR HOUSE AND KNOCK YOU DOWN AND MAKE YOU SAY UNCLE AND YOU'RE GAY. Oh yeah, and I have a new email address: glockaholic302@yahoo.com Send all emails there, and you fuckers COULD start emailing me things once in a while, like things to add to this site, etc. Now, if you'll all excuse me, I need to go eat some Bugles. --{CB} Welfare Gorilla MONDAY, JULY 29, 2002 11:22 PM It's almost done. At this point most of you are probably saying "Whoa! Holy shit! An update!" Yes, it's true, there IS an update, and you DO find your cousins attractive. Sick fuck. Anyhow, I supposed I better explain why I haven't updated in, oh, roughly 32,000 years. For those of you who don't know, I started the Eastern Missouri Law Enforcement Training Academy about two months ago, and as a result I have about 3.6492 seconds of free time each week. Despite this fact, I absolutely love the academy and if goes well, by early December I will be a certified pig and I will be throroughly enjoying a lifelong career of pulling over mentally retarded little puke-burgers (not unlike you guys) and harassing them to no end. Despite the fact that circumstances are mostly beyond my control, I still believe that any reasonable, responsible person would take the blame for the lack of updates and apologize to the entire clan. It is for this reason that I would like to say at this time: Suck my balls. No, I am not reasonable nor responsible. Suck my balls, suck my balls, and suck my balls. We will have more screenshots of CS Enhanced later this week. And don't forget to suck my balls. --{CB} Welfare Gorilla TUESDAY, APRIL 30, 2002 4:10 PM Alright, got some more news folks. There has been a tragedy in fellow St. Louis clan WetWerx. Here is the news release as written by Topher from warfactory.net: "It is with great regret that I announce we have lost one of our members. This past Saturday evening Andy Nolfo aka Cain passed away due to a firearms accident. For those of you who didn't know Andy very well, I can tell you, he was a good person. One of the nicest guys I've ever known. Andy was a very friendly guy who was always willing to help people when they needed it. He never spoke ill of others and was always in a cheerful mood. Andy was more than just a team mate, he was my friend. He will be missed." The CrackBabies would like to extend our most sincere sympathies towards all friends and family of Andy. Also, keep in mind that the next WarFactory tournament is coming up on May 18th. To get more information and to register, go to warfactory.net. I also want to thank everybody who attended the last Game Night at Computer Pro. As I have said before, it was {CB}a Wandering Hebrew's last night with us (at least for a long time), since he is moving to Kansas City with {CB}Just. We would all like to wish them the best of luck and remind them NOT to commit ritual suicide. It could be messy. And it might smell, too. You never know. Finally, I will be making a couple of additions to the site today. I have a few new updated sounds for the DoD soundpack, and I will also be uploading a couple of more member profiles before the end of the day. That's all for now kids. So live long, play hard, and drink Sprite. And never forget that the Buddha loves you. Buuuuuuuuuuuudha-bu-ddha-bu-ddha-bu-ddha!!! --{CB} Welfare Gorilla TUESDAY, APRIL 9, 2002 6:36 PM Yep, time for more news. First of all, let me explain the lack of updates lately. No, I am not dead. I am, however, incredibly and indiscriminately lazy (and ugly). If you don't like it, fuck you. Let me repeat that again for our hearing impaired readers: Fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you. Get it? Got it? Gooooood. Alright, now that I have the entire clan convinced that I am heartless apathetic asshole, let's get down to business. We have a couple of special dates to list here: Saturday, April 20th, from 6 PM until monkeys fly out of Happy's ass: Computer Pro Game Night is pulling an all-nighter, and it will be at (gee fuckface I wonder where. Retard. I hate you.) Be ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY SURE to attend this Game Night, as it will be Mike's ( {CB}a Wandering Hebrew ) last night with us before he will very tragically and sadly commit ritual suicide. HAHAHA, gotcha there...nah, just kidding, he's moving to Kansas City. Personally, I would prefer the ritual suicide. But regardless, please be sure to attend and say good-bye to Mike, as he will be missed by all. On behalf of all {CB}s, I would like to thank Wandering Hebrew for his dedicated service and berzerker Jew frenzy on the battlefield. SALUTE!!! (SHALOM!!!) I know Mike, I'm a prick. :) Saturday, May 18th, 12:00 PM - Midnight The WetWerx tournament will be taking place at the KC Hall in St. Peters. Happy will be getting in contact with people to get a team together for CS and DoD. Rumor has it that there might be a Starcraft tournament also, thus {CB} SexyNA22 is REQUIRED to attend!!! Also, our newest member {CB}Sgt. Elvis might be coming down for this event (his birthday is around then; someone bake him a goddamned cake, bitch). For info on this tournament, go to the WetWerx site. ALSO: ...{CB} now play Jedi Knight II: Jedi Outcast. Buy it. It is cool. Later this week I will be uploading two skins I have made for this game. They are Lord Rive and Darth Blight from the short Star Wars fan-film Duality. THIS JUST IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: WE ARE HTML GODS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (You inferior globules of rat feces). --{CB} Welfare Gorilla THURSDAY, MARCH 21, 2002 9:51 PM Hey there boys and girls, it's time for today's news. Today's news is brought to you by Lysol. Lysol, when nothing else will cover up that cat-shit stench. Learn more at www.lysol.com. Last Saturday's Game Night was quite stimulating. HOWEVER...I did not see nearly enough of you little cat-shit-eating sluts there. By the way, if you are a cat-shit-eating slut, try LYSOL to cover up your stench. But anyhow, cat shit and other things aside, I would like to briefly summarize the evening. First of all, there was a player present that night that had signed up and played under the handle "sturmcloud". If he is reading this, I hope you get hit by a bus. I have never heard another human being WHINE so endlessly about something as minor and trivial as a video game. This ecoli-ridden hunk of decaying beef would scream out "what the fuck maaaaaaan!!!??!!??" every time I sniped his bitch ass or anyone else killed him. Sturmcloud, let me explain this to you in terms you will easily understand: you suck at the game. So next time I take your head off at 250 yards with a Mauser, do not scream out, "Goddamn, you suuuuuuuck!!!!" Other than the whining little biatch, this Game Night displayed some INCREDIBLE playing on behalf of all {CB}s. Day of Defeat ruled the night and also featured the premiere of our new soundpack (available in the DOWNLOADS section. Although the majority of the scoreboards seemed to be run by Happy and Breadstick, just about every clan member fought World War II like one bad screamin-ass mofo. THIS JUST IN: Breadstick likes cheesewhiz. ALSO ... the official {CB} rules have been posted. Check them out in the ABOUT section. ONE MORE THING ... we have a new member. {CB}Sgt. Elvis would be our first internet-recruit. We would like to give Sgt. Elvis a big warm squishy CrackBaby welcome. Welcome aboard, you Memphis bitch. FRIDAY, MARCH 15, 2002 10:53 PM Oh my FRICKIN' god, this would be our first news post. Aren't you excited kids? I sure as shit am. Tonight I uploaded some more member profiles, so there are now profiles up for all {CB}s that I have recieved a filled-out survey from. Therefore, if you don't see your profile up in the MEMBERS section, get a copy of the survey and fill it out and send it to me ASAP, or I will bash your face in with a VCR. Anyhow, having said that, I would like to express my uncontainable anticipation of Game Night tomorrow night at Computer Pro. I hope to see all of you there, and if you are not there, then you are a big pansie and you better watch your back because I am going to run over you with my big bad plastic Saturn. That's all for now kids. Hope to see you all tomorrow night and kill many of you. Stay tuned here for more {CB}-related bullshit. --{CB} Welfare Gorilla