When the large group arrived at 777 Magic Street, No Jigglers, they ran through the customary window that allowed them to gain entry to the Goldfish Aquarium. They went in pairs, Hewitt and Roger were last. As everybody at Delarg National Institute For The Magical Community Of England knew, you had to ride goldfish to the castle.
“Now everybody,” Professor Thorny Began, “To start your goldfish, all you have to do, is snap a twig on it. Now snap to it.” Professor Thorny held her breath in a futile attempt to hold back her laughter. When she could resist no longer, she fell onto her hands and knees, in hysterics. Everybody followed her instructions, and all went to some goldfish. They performed the snapping admirably, and the goldfish lurched off in a pile of steam.
“Hey, I just realised.” Hayley said to nobody, “Hewitt and Roger aren’t here. What do you make of that?” she then dashed to the seat next to her, and replied,
“I think they may not have got through the glass.”
She spent a while, having a fluent conversation with herself. It had not been long, when Odor came to her seat.
“Having fun all by your self are you Hayley?” He asked.
“Oh yes. I haven’t had a more fluent conversation before.” She replied.
“Ok, well, then, er, um, keep having fun then. Com’ on we’re off.” Odor said to his two buddies, Fishe and Gargy.
The rest of the trip went quietly, and the only interesting thing that happened, was that Freddy started talking to her.
“Hello, how are you?” Freddy asked.
“I’m good. How are you?” Hayley replied.
“Look! There he is! Get him!” someone from SWAT, whom had invaded the carriage, said. A terrified look came over Freddy as he made a dash for it.
“Good for him.” Hayley said to herself. Finally, the goldfish arrived at Delarg National Institute For The Magical Community Of England, and she headed to the hall.
Once inside the hall, everybody gathered at their house tables. Professor Thorny put the traditional aardvark on the stool. She gave the new first years instructions, and awaited the aardvark to sing its song.
“I am the Delarg Aardvark,
And I’ll sing this song to you,
And then, I’ll sort you,
Into to houses,
Which you’ll be the best in…
There, are four of the houses,
Each has their own qualities!
Davy, was the bravest,
Bravery is the best thing!
Trewartha, was the evil,
Bully that likes killing things!
Barnes was the fairest one,
Who liked fair play.
And of course there’s,
Weightman,
Who was the smartest of the lot!
So poke, me now,
But not to hard,
(or in the kidney)
And I’ll tell you where you’ll be,
And only if this song makes sense
(fat chance)
Then I will make a mistake.” The entire hall erupted into applause. Professor Thorny stood up and called out the roll.
“Aaaaaaaaarsonson, Adrian” she called out first of all. A chubby little boy raced up to the aardvark and poked it nastily in the eye. Luckily though, the aardvark was tough (just not in the kidney), and was perfectly fine.
“Trewartha!” the aardvark bellowed. Professor Thorny continued to read the list, and by the end of the sorting, there were eight new Davy’s. There was Cameron Cruson, a dorky little kid with glasses, Muriel Munglestein, a German who had come to England last year. There was also, Mary Norpson, a silly looking girl carrying a book with her. Also, there was John Optomister, another kid who had glasses and Darren Pluglston. There were twins too, who were called Hans and Jenny Flirgleston. And lastly, there was Roger’s little sister, Georgina. The feast was delicious, and indeed, the delicious, was food (Hayley was isolated from her friends again). Hayley, though, heard whispers coming down the table. There were rumours that Roger and Hewitt had just arrived at Delarg with a flying Motorbike. Once everybody had eaten their dinner, Bumblebee stood up.
“Welcome, to yet ANOTHER year of Delarg. Of course, and welcome to the new first years. I would like to announce some announcements. The open desert is of course, out of bounds. Some of our older students could do to remember that to.” He left the front table, and as everybody watched, he walked up to the Davy table, went up to Felix and Grant Williams, and slapped them both in the back of the head. “Sorry about that, but I would also like to welcome our new defence teacher, professor HeatStroke.” Everybody applauded. “And lastly, do not believe the rumours that you may or may not have heard that Hewitt and Roger have turned up to Delarg National Institute For The Magical Community Of England, even though they are true.” Hayley went to bed, where preparations began to start a very amateur party that had no music or alcohol. It was late, and people where getting ready to abandon the party, when Hewitt and Roger came walking in looking a lot like Freddy with Professor Thorny. They began celebrations, but five minutes into the party, they realised that it was indeed Freddy and Professor Thorny. It was another five minutes, when Hewitt and Roger actually DID come into the common room. The party began again, and everybody congratulated Hewitt (but not Roger) on their stunning and very illegal way of travelling to school.
The next day, it was a very interesting day. They met Professor HeatStroke. Professor HeatStroke was a very interesting person. Their first lesson was indeed a shocking and disturbing lesson for them.
“Now then boys, girls and Roger, I would like you to take out your wands. As you know, I am the greatest witch I mean wizard, wait” Professor HeatStroke looked at some cue cards, “No, witch was right the first time, and I would like to reassure you, that no harm will come to you in this room unless I’m not here. So good bye.” Professor HeatStroke started to leave the room. “Hmmm, not very gullible I see. Well, this being your first lesson, I thought I would start you off with something dangerous.” She took out a cage. “I ask you not to scream…” she pulled off the sheet covering the cage, and there was a snort of laughter from Sean Hahaland who was sorted into Davy last year, but wasn’t able to get a mention in Hewitt Parkinson One. In the cage were dingle bugs. Professor HeatStroke opened the cage and the dingle bugs escaped. Everyone jumped out of the classroom but locked HRH inside to clear up the mess.
Once the mess was cleared, they all headed back into the class room.
“Tut, tut. You should have done better. 10 points from Davy. Tut, tut, 12 years old most of you, and still virgins. Another 10 points from Davy.” Professor HeatStroke said once everyone was back in their seats.
“But professor, that’s not fair!” Hayley protested.
“Is it? Are you saying that you’re not a virgin?” professor HeatStroke asked.
“Of course I am, but…” Hayley continued but Professor HeatStroke interrupted.
“Then the points shall remain taken then. Now then, let’s get on with the lesson.”
The lesson ended dully, in which there was just note taking.
At dinner later, HRH were chatting away about the lesson.
“She is an idiot! I’ve never seen a worse lesson. And to think! We have double Defence first thing tomorrow!” Roger was saying. Hewitt groaned.
The next day, first lesson, Professor HeatStroke was waiting for the class.
“Now then, as you did so magnificently last lesson, I thought I’d give you something more advanced.” Professor HeatStroke took out another cage. She took the cover, and inside was a vampire. Professor HeatStroke opened the cage and again, the class was evacuated. The class managed to lock Roger in, and they all stood by the window to watch.
Roger looked at the vampire, and the vampire looked back. The vampire looked remarkably grumpy (as would you, if you had been locked in a tiny little cage) and wanted blood. Roger summed up the situation quickly, and hurriedly opened the blinds. Light streamed onto the vampire but to Roger’s amazement, the vampire did not perish.
“Why aren’t you dead?” Roger demanded.
“Hey, after being a vampire for one hundred and ten years, I’m not stupid enough to not wear sunscreen.” The vampire replied.
“Oh,” Roger replied. The vampire spread his cape and flew towards Roger’s neck. Time slowed, and Roger threw his hand up to his neck at a perpy from it. The middle teeth of the vampire landed on Roger’s hand, but the fangs could not reach. Time accelerated, and the vampire decided to kung fu Roger. The vampire jumped backwards and landed on his feet. He charged at Roger and hit him in the chest. The vampire jumped after Roger and forward flipped at him. During the flip, his feet caught Roger on the chest and Roger flew towards the wall. Time slowed once more, as Roger flipped himself in mid air, his feet landed on the wall, and he sprang off directly at the vampire. He threw out his fist and caught the vampire on the face. The vampire flew backwards and time sped up, as the vampire flipped backwards and landed on his feet. The two aggressors faced each other. Suddenly, with out warning, the vampire charged straight at Roger. Time slowed as the vampire punched Roger squarely in the face. The shock wave of the punch ripped the class room apart, the spectators were sent flying, and Roger flew uncontrollably onto the Findit pitch as time sped up again. Roger staggered back to his feet, as the vampire came at him again. This time, as time slowed once again, Roger was prepared. He caught the fist, and leaped into the air. He kicked the vampire in the chest and sent him flying. Roger back flipped and landed steadily on his feat. The vampire got up, as time sped up once again. The vampire again flew directly at Roger, but Roger had set a flying spell on himself while the vampire wasn’t looking. Roger flew at full speed straight at the charging vampire. They connected in real-time and the shockwave flew through the school, sending every piece of it flying (except the vampire’s cage, which is mighty suspicious hint, hint). Luckily though, the school had been evacuated a few seconds earlier as part of a convenient fire drill. The two combatants staggered to their feet, and faced each other once again. The vampire threw a useless right hey-maker which Roger ducked and pushed the vampire into the fountain. The vampire screamed.
“Aaaahhhhhh! Why oh why, didn’t I use water resistant sun-screen? Aaaahhhhhh! I’m melting! Melting!” he cried.
“Melting?” Roger asked. “Vampires don’t melt.”
“Well Sorry, but melting is far more dramatic then merely turning into dust. But if you insist…” the vampire crumpled into dust.
Five seconds later, the school was rebuilt, and Roger headed back to class.
“Tut, tut, Roger. Late to class. I’ll have to take off ten house points for that. Tut, tut class. You’re all still virgins. Another ten points will be taken off.
Hayley headed all the way down to professor HeatStroke’s office. She looked inside of the room, and she noticed a huge pile of brushes sitting next to a fire. She headed into the room, and professor HeatStroke greeted her.
“Hello, welcome, welcome, to, detention! Your punishment will be, to put all of these brushes in the fire, one by one. Now get to it!” Hayley hurriedly did this awful punishment and raced out the room. She came around a corner, and BANG! She collided with Hewitt and Roger collided with both of them.
“Ow, that hurt” Hewitt complained. “Quick, I suggest that we go get something to eat. Before all the food is gone. And let’s suspiciously walk past the girls’ toilet.”
“Oh yes, let’s.” Roger replied. HRH walked along towards the hall but once they had reached the girls’ toilets, they saw something that was disturbing. There hanging by its nostril hairs, was Jim Quingee’s pet mouse. But what disturbed them most, was the writing on the wall. It said ‘cock-a-doodledoo cocka-doodle-doo cockadoodle-doo cock-adoodle-doo’.
“You know what? I know who’s behind this!” Hayley bellowed.
“Who?” Hewitt asked.
“I bet that it is a basilisk in that chamber of secrets and Ginny Weasly is the one opening it because she is enchanted by Tom Marvelo Riddle who is really Voldemort because if you mix the letters around of Tom Marvelo Riddle, then you’ll get ‘I am Lord Voldemort’. She proclaimed (The strange thing was she was right, but just in the wrong book).
“You know what? I reckon that you got the wrong set. This book is called Hewitt Parkinson and the Chamber of Pizza Shapes. Not, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Jeez.” Hewitt said.
“But this situation is very similar to it…”
“That’s because this is a take off of Harry Potter. Just like Hewitt Parkinson and the Philosopher’s Pizza Shapes.”
“It sounds like if somebody is writing our lives,” Frank Meddlelots said, “then the author would have to be a pretty big wan…” at that moment, a tiger appeared next to him. The tiger devoured Frank Meddlelots and he was never seen again (He’ll think twice before insulting me again). The tiger vanished, and the whole school came and saw the disaster. Odor pushed his way to the front of everybody.
“Cock-adoodle-doo? You’ll be next Jiggy-With-It’s.” he said.
Everybody in Davy blew up in anger. Everybody charged straight at him. The teacher’s though, were on the scene just then, and broke up the fight.
HRH left the area, after Bumblebee had announced that Quingee’s mouse had been scared $hitle$$. The trio headed back to the common room where they came to the pot plant. They said David Davy’s other noble statement (“Bloody Johnny Wilkinson”) and headed inside. There, a big party was started.
“Hooray! Quingee’s mouse is hurt!” Felix cheered.
“Shut up! It’s not good.” Georgina retorted. “What about Frank Meddlelots? He just mysteriously disappeared.”
“Oh, that’s nothing to do with what happened to Quingee’s mouse.” Roger comforted her.
“How do you know that?” Georgina bellowed.
“Because, Frank Meddlelots was just insulting the author. That’s why he disappeared.” Roger replied calmly. Georgina accepted this but was determined to start panic.
“But still, it’s kinda suspicious that Quingee’s mouse was nearly killed though isn’t it?”
“No.” Grant replied.
“Oh, ok then.” Georgina was silent after that.
“But what is a Jiggy-With-It? Odor said they’d be next. I know it must be bad, because I’m so narf smart that I can figure that out.” Hayley said.
“Well, it’s about the worst thing that he could think of. He was insulting you Hayley. A Jiggy-With-It is a foul name given to people with Jiggler parents. It’s sickening that word. You see, it means you like to dance to artists like Britney Spears, Spice Girls and Robbie Williams instead of trying to guess if they are male, female or neither.” Roger explained. “It’s a name they give all Jiggler-Borns.”
“That is awful! How dare he!” Hayley bellowed. “I’ll go turn him into a horrid, ugly, mythological beast! Like Michael Jackson.”
“Wait!” Hewitt cried. “You can’t do that! Because we need to find out what is going on with this mystery!”
“Oh, right. Sorry. I got carried away there. Well, let’s go to the crime scene.” Hayley mused. HRH headed over to the crime scene and they examined the area.
“Hmm, scorch marks here, and here.” Roger examined.
“Let’s go in here, the person inside might have scene something. Get it! Scene something! Oh, I’ve got to tell professor Thorny about that one. I’ll probably get bonus marks.” Before going through the door, Hayley wrote down her joke and assured herself that she would tell professor Thorny. HRH headed into the room, and noticed that it was a girls' toilet.
“Hayley, this is a girls’ toilet. Hewitt and I can’t be in here.” Roger said.
“Don’t worry, no-one comes in here. This is Whinging Wendy’s toilet.” She reassured him.
“Who is Whinging Wendy?” Hewitt interrogated.
“I’m Whinging Wendy!” shouted a ghost. She floated down. “I don’t know why people call me that. I’m always very cheerful.”
“Oh, hello” Hewitt asked.
“Well, just because you’re Mr. Special with friends, doesn’t mean you have to pick on me when I’m in a good mood.” Whinging Wendy cried, with tears streaking down her face.
“Wendy, we weren’t picking on you.” Hayley responded.
“Shut up, and stop insulting me!” Wendy shouted now crying thoroughly.
“We just wanted to ask you if you saw anything here earlier. Cause a cat was attacked just outside your toilet.” Hewitt asked.
“No! Now leave me alone.” Whinging Wendy winged. She flew off leaving HRH alone and friendless.
HRH left the toilet and were sighted coming out of it by Peter.
“Roger! What are you doing in there! That’s a Girls’ Toilet!”
“Oh you know clues and stuff.” Roger replied.
“No more detective work or I’ll write to mum. Or worse! Delta Goodrem.” Peter told Roger. A look of panic crossed Roger’s face.
“No! Anyone but her! I swear, I’ll never do any detective work again! I swear.” Roger cried.
“Good. Now run along your three.”
HRH went to there next lesson eagerly. They had History and they were going to ask about cock-a-doodledoo. They already knew that that meant Chamber of Pizza Shapes. They went into lesson, and there they saw their teacher, Professor Trash waiting for them. He launched into his dreary lesson, but was interrupted by Hayley’s hand going up.
“Yes?” he asked.
“I was wondering if you could tell us about the Chamber of Pizza Shapes.” She asked.
“I deal facts. Not fiction. Now, as I was saying…” He was interrupted by Hayley again.
“But doesn’t fiction always have a basis on fact? I’m so smart narf, that I know that.”
“Fine. I’ll tell you everything I can about the Chamber of Pizza Shapes.
“As you know, the school was founded by four great Wizards.
David “Davo” Davy, Michael “Microwave” Weightman, Daniel “Slug” Trewartha, and Angus “Tree” Oke. The school houses are named after three of these. Davy, Weightman and Trewartha all felt that Oke would make a very gay house name, so they named it just any old name. Fact tells us this much. But it is said, that Trewartha built a secret chamber that only his heir could open. Inside, was a beast that only the heir could control, as well as a few other well educated Argentineans.” Everybody glanced at each other nervously.
After the lesson, HRH decided that Odor was the most likely suspect of opening the Chamber of Pizza Shapes.
“It has to be him.” Roger fiercely said.
“Well, we’ll have to find a way to be sure.” Hayley responded.
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