Fan Fiction - "The Incredible Shrink 'N' Witch" Part 5
CHAPTER 5 - Radio, Radio
Zelda and Frasier entered the KACL offices only to find Roz standing in the lobby. "Is she looking for a career in broadcasting?" Roz cracked, pointing at Zelda. "Missy, you gotta pay your dues. There’s a country daytime AM in Moses Lake that’s looking for a midday host. Noticed it in the trades this morning."
"I’m not after your job!" Zelda protested.
"I know that," Roz said with a smile, shaking hands with her guest. "Welcome to KACL, and I guess you’re here to see us at work. As long as you keep your hands off the equipment – and no, I don’t mean Frasier, except of course when he’s on the air – we’ll be fine."
Frasier grinned. "Did you see anything in the papers today that we could use in case things get slow?" By now, he had learned to have a topic or two he could toss out to the audience if the phone system went dead or people simply weren’t calling. His one caveat was that the topic not be political; Lord knows there were enough radio talk hosts handling that.
"How about this: the increasing belief in the supernatural, especially among our young people," Roz said, holding a newspaper clipping. "I can’t believe we didn’t discuss this when Halloween rolled around a few weeks ago, especially since I know you feel it’s all crap."
Hilda, Hilda...Zelda’s psyche cried out.
Relax, her sister replied. Nothing worrisome is on the screen.
"Actually, I’m beginning to have second thoughts about the whole thing," Frasier told Roz. "There might be something to the concept of magic after all. Or maybe it’s just being in the presence of a lady who’s almost magical."
No wonder I didn’t see any change in you, Hilda told her sister. Be glad he used "almost"!
Zelda nonetheless beamed as Frasier went to the station lounge.
"If I were you, I’d hold out for a few more compliments before tonight," Roz said to Zelda just before the producer followed him down the hall. "Come on down to the lounge. We’re ordering Chinese."
"Don’t mention I’m here while on the air," Zelda asked Frasier before the show began. "Someone from the convention might be listening and would wonder why I’m playing hooky."
"Think nothing of it," Frasier replied as he examined his headphones.
Glancing at the 30-second screen, Hilda saw Zelda suddenly vanish from sight. Maybe that’s what Frasier is going to say...as far as he was concerned, she didn’t exist, the younger sister thought. Don’t worry, Zelly, here’s a pre-emptive strike.
Kenny, the KACL station manager, came into the studio and handed Frasier a memo.
"Say, Kenny, I’ve got a great idea for our weekend schedule," Frasier told him. "How about if I host a program dedicated to our national parks. I think it would make for pleasant listening, don’t you?"
The manager shook his head. "The lady who had the 6 a.m. Saturday public affairs program resigns, and you now want her time slot? You amaze me, Frasier, you amaze me." With that, he left and entered Roz’s booth to give her a copy of the same memo.
"Why is Frasier suddenly so enamored with national parks?" Kenny asked the producer.
"Your guess is as good as mine," she replied. "Maybe Martin gave him a lifetime membership to the Sierra Club."
My existence is preserved, thanks to you, Zelda telepathically told her sister. But we still have nearly half a day to go.
You don’t have to remind me.
While Zelda, watching silently from a corner of the studio, was concerned that Frasier might make a potentially dangerous figure of speech while taking calls from listeners, the three hours went surprisingly smoothly. Moreover, she was impressed at his ability to provide helpful answers to difficult, often vexing, personal questions.
This guy is good, Hilda telepathically commented. Somebody please syndicate this program!
Have I great taste in men or what?
Zelly, don’t go bragging.
The second he signed off, Zelda ran to Frasier and hugged him. "Job well done," she said.
Then she was twice jolted – by something that hit her ribs and by an irritating, unfamiliar voice from behind her. "If you really want a job well done, hon–"
"Meet Bob ‘Bulldog’ Briscoe, our one-time sports talk host," Frasier said disdainfully. "He was let go earlier this year, but is back on a fill-in basis this week." It was obvious from the look on his face that he tolerated him, but barely. Zelda turned around and saw a short man with even less hair than Frasier. eyeing her lustily.
"Who’s the hot babe, Frasier?"
He’s laboring under the impression he’s God’s gift to women, Hilda commented.
Well, if I had my powers back I know what I’d do to him, and it wouldn’t be pretty, Zelda replied. And that’s not like me, either. Check the screen, Hildy – what about Frasier?
As the Beach Boys sang, don’t worry baby, everything will turn out all right.
Zelda was perplexed. What are you referring to?
"You know, Bulldog, I think this time you should do a sports show without the gimmicks, without the attitude, without the bull. Respect your listeners’ intelligence for once."
"But Fras, I know this part of the biz and that does–" Bulldog paused, as if he were suddenly under a spell. "That does sound like a good idea. I think I’ll try it. I hope you and your lovely guest listen to me this afternoon."
See, I told you, Hilda said. For once, his magic paid off. But wait! There’s more!
"Oh, and keep your distance from Roz," Frasier added while Bulldog walked around the studio; when he got near her booth, he felt a jolt of static electricity and hurriedly pulled away.
To borrow a sports term, no harm, no foul, Hilda quipped.
A few minutes later, Frasier and Zelda were in the lobby of KACL, where Bulldog’s program was piped in over the loudspeaker. "You know, for some reason he sounds a bit different today," Kenny said to Frasier as he passed by. "No horns, no bells, no obnoxiousness. He’s just taking calls."
Frasier listened, along with the station manager. "I see we have Adam from Tacoma on line one," Bulldog said, "and you want to discuss the upcoming Apple Cup at Husky Stadium this Saturday."
"That’s the annual football game between the University of Washington and Washington State University," Frasier explained to Zelda. "A fierce rivalry...not Harvard-Yale or even Stanford-Cal, mind you, but nonetheless intense. And Bulldog always makes fun of WSU and its fans, calling them hicks and ags and such."
"Anyway, Bulldog," Adam said, "I know you’re going to give me a rough time, since I’m a Cougar fan, but do we have a chance against U-Dub?"
"Better than you think, since it’s a rivalry game and emotions will be high," Bulldog rationally replied. "Okay, so 1999 hasn’t been the miracle year that ’97 was in Pullman – no Rose Bowl trip for the Cougs this year – but you of course know that a WSU win puts Stanford in the Rose Bowl, no matter what it does against Cal. The Huskies need to win and have Cal pull the upset to get to Pasadena."
"I can’t believe you aren’t insulting me."
"Why would I not want to treat my listeners with respect?" the host said. "Oh, and stay on the line once this call ends. Roz will get your name and address, and you’ll be entered in KACL’s contest to win a commemorative square-foot slab of Kingdome concrete, imprinted with the Mariners’ and Seahawks’ logos, after the building is imploded next spring. Many thanks for calling."
Kenny shook his head. "Thanks? That’s a new Bulldog." The station manager paused. "Does he know what he’s doing?"
As soon as Frasier and Zelda left the KACL offices, she asked him, "Okay, where would you like to have dinner? Tonight, it’s my treat."
"While it’s a wonderful invitation, Zelda, I regretfully will have to decline."
Her smile disappeared. "I can afford it. It’s the least I can do for you."
"It isn’t that at all," he replied. "I have prior commitments. Specifically, I’m hosting a fund-raising party in my apartment for the Seattle chapter of the Harvard Alumni Association – and, no, Bill Gates isn’t coming, since he never graduated. You are more than welcome to attend, especially since you live not far from Cambridge and your presence will give these alums a feel for home."
You have to say yes, Zelly, if only to guide me the rest of the way, Hilda telepathically said. I’d be out of my league among all those smarties.
"Okay," Zelda answered.
"Excellent. Now come back with me for dinner there, and following that the party preparation."
"Just one question. Will your family and friends be there?"
Frasier smiled. "Not Niles; he’s a Yale man, and understandably would probably be a bit intimidated. And Dad plans to take in a movie. But Daphne has graciously agreed to help set things up. Isn’t that nice of her?"
"I guess," Zelda halfheartedly replied with a gulp, even though her presence could ultimately transform you and me into rodents. She glanced at her watch; the time was 4:30. Only seven-and-a-half excruciating hours to go.
TO BE CONTINUED - Click here for Part 6.
Frasier created by David Angell, Peter Casey and David Lee. Based on the character "Frasier Crane" created by Glen and Les Charles and featured in the NBC / Paramount production "Cheers". Frasier is a Grub Street Production for NBC and Paramount. All Frasier characters are copyright NBC, Paramount and Grub Street Productions.
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