Fan Fiction - "To Boldly Go Where No Crane Has Gone Before"
This is set during Season 8, and a Star Trek Convention is in town. And KACL is sponsoring it, which means Noel is constantly talking about it. Then Frasier has to give Noel a lift to the convention, and he and Martin are trapped inside.....
Skyline: The Starship Enterprise flies over the skyline.
ALPHA QUADRANT
KACL Studios. Frasier is just finishing his show.
Frasier: Just remember your name is very special. There's nothing wrong with it. And if people can't accept that then it's their loss.
Caller: (voice-over) Thanks Dr Crane.
Frasier: That's alright Zirconia. Well, that's it for today Seattle, this is Dr Frasier Crane, wishing you good mental health.
Frasier is about to turn off his equipment when Roz taps on the window.
Frasier: (sighs) Oh yes, don't forget to visit the "Star Trekking to Seattle" convention on Saturday, of which KACL are the *proud* sponsors.
Frasier turns off his equipment. Roz comes in.
Roz: Gee Frasier, that's the third time this week you've forgotten to say that. And it's only Monday.
Frasier: Roz, you know what my ethics are on advertising. It's only because I don't want to get us all fired again that I'm not refusing to do it.
Noel enters the studio.
Noel: Hi Dr Crane, hello Roz.
Roz: Hello Noel.
Noel: I hope everyone's looking forward to the convention this Saturday.
Frasier: (darkly) Oh yes.
Roz: Oh my god, I've just realised you said Saturday instead of Saturday on the radio Frasier!!! We'd better correct it!!!
Roz pushes Noel out and shuts the door.
Frasier: Roz, what are you talking about? I said the right day.
Roz: Yeah, I know, I just wanted him out of here. Last time he spent 10 minutes talking about how the angle of Vulcan's ears change when they go through different emotions.
Frasier: Yes, he wondered whether they are "acute" when next to their identical twin sister who just happens to have won "Miss Vulcan 2378"!!!
Fade out.
BETA QUADRANT
Frasier's apartment. Frasier and Martin are sitting in the living room.
Frasier: .....and he's been going on and on about it ever since he heard about the thing!!! Can you imagine what it must be like to have to listen to all that garbage?
Martin: (darkly) I can only guess.
Frasier: I don't see the point of that stuff anyway. All Trekkies are definitely weird.
Martin: Slow down Fras, remember when you were 12? All you ever wanted to do (Daphne enters as he says this) was attend that convention about all those fancy dancers and such. All you talked about for months.
Daphne: (shocked) Mr Crane, have you been reading my diary again?
Martin: No Daph, I was just telling Frasier that.....
Daphne: So Dr Crane knows too? God, what else are you going to tell him? That I fancied George Harrison when I was young? Or that my first boyfriend told everyone about the birthmark on me bum? Or that I once (Niles enters here) wore a skirt so small the teacher told me to cover it up with a handkerchief?
Niles: Oh yes.
Daphne: Niles? He told you too?
Niles: Oh, no Daphne, I didn't know that. I was just saying, um, that Mel was severely embarrassed in public this afternoon!!!
Martin: And I didn't read your diary. Frasier wanted to do the same thing when he was 12.
Daphne: Oh. (pause) Um...I'll be in the kitchen.
She hurries off. Martin turns to Niles.
Martin: So what did Mel do?
Niles: Well, it was really funny. We were walking through town when she stopped to look at some new shoes. Well, having recently gotten myself a new pair of Bruno Maglis shoes, made especially for my tender feet, I walked on a bit. Then, all of a sudden, she turned away from the shoes to meet me, and there was Maris!!!
Frasier: Do go on.
Niles: Well, Maris turned to Mel, and Mel peered down over Maris. Then Maris put down her box of Party-Size donuts and stood on them so she could see Mel's face. Then she said, "I bet your shoes aren't hand made!!!".
Niles chuckles. Frasier and Martin just look at him strangely.
Niles: Wasn't that just hilarious?
Daphne re-enters.
Martin: (to Frasier) Shall you tell him or shall I?
Daphne: Mr Crane, what are you telling them now about me? My birthmark? My secret affair with .....
Niles: Actually darling, I was just telling them about Mel and Maris.
Daphne: Oh. (pauses) I'll just be walking Eddie.
She grabs his lead (but not Eddie himself) and walks out.
Frasier: She'd be something for this convention.
Fade out.
KACL studios. Frasier and Roz are in their booth when Noel comes in wearing a Star Trek uniform.
Noel: Live long and prosper, fellow crew!!!
Roz: Oh, I just remembered, I have to clean my teeth.
Noel: Not in the middle of space you don't!!!
Roz: Sorry Noel, I have too or else my boyfriends will want to kill me.
Frasier: Then you'd be America's Most Wanted.
Roz gives him a scowl and leaves.
Noel: Dr Crane, I need to ask you a favour. Well, my car's broken down and won't be fixed until Tuesday. Could you give me a lift?
Frasier: Um...
Noel: Oh, there's my friend Brendan who's coming too. Hope you can fit us both in!!!
Frasier: OK, but you have to stop bugging Roz. OK?
Noel: As you wish Captain.
Frasier: And same with me, OK?
Fade out.
GAMMA QUADRANT
Frasier is driving to the convention with Martin, Noel and Brendan. Noel and Brendan, who is about 16, are in Star Trek uniforms and talking about it.
Martin: I don't see why I had to come.
Frasier: Because I'm taking you to Duke's afterwards. It's either that or you walk. And in this weather too!!!
Zoom out to reveal a very strong wind. Then back to the car.
Martin: Oh right.
Brendan: Dr Crane, what do you think is the better starship? The USS Enterprise or the USS Voyager?
Frasier: Um, I don't know. I never really watch Star Trek.
Brendan: What do you watch?
Frasier: Oh, classical music, good strong drama, the Antiques Roadshow.....
Brendan: (to Noel) Gosh, what a nerd!!!
The car pulls up - they've arrived. Noel and Brendan get out, and Brendan's Vulcan ears are torn off by the wind.
Brendan: My ears!!!
Frasier: Yes, now all we need is for your mouth to do the same.
Martin: Fras, I just need to use the bathroom.
Frasier: Can't you go at Duke's?
Martin: Nah, old Duke's had his bathroom ripped out. His new one was late arriving but he'd already got rid of the old one.
Frasier: So where does he go then?
Martin: His neighbour's. But she's getting a bit stroppy now.
The four walk into the convention. Noel and Brendan hand in their tickets. Frasier turns to the receptionist, Gina.
Frasier: Excuse me, my father needs to use your bathroom. Could you tell me where it is?
Gina: Um, it's inside the convention. You'll have to pay to get inside I'm afraid.
Frasier: Hey, I recognise your voice....
Gina: You're Dr Crane, right? I love your show!!! I phoned in about 2 months ago.
Frasier: Yes, that's where I heard your voice from.
Gina: I'm Gina. I had anger problems. Your advice really worked (To colleague) Trixie!!! Stop doing that or I'll bash your head in!!! (To Frasier) Thanks!!!
Frasier: Glad I could help.
Suddenly they hear a big thump by the door. Frasier rushes to the window.
Frasier: Oh my god, there's a telegraph pole blocking the door!!!
Gina: Well, there's no other way out. You're trapped.
Martin: Well, could I go in for free so I can use your bathroom?
Gina: Why not? Trixie!!!
She rushes off. Frasier turns to Martin.
Martin: Well, come on, let's go in.
They open the door, and are surrounded by Star Trek stuff. People, costume, models - the lot.
Frasier: Oh my god.
Noel: Dr Crane, you decided to come!!!
Frasier: Actually Noel, the door is.....
Noel: Hey everyone, this is Dr Frasier Crane and his father!!! They've come to join in the fun!!!
Everyone: Greetings Dr Crane!!!
Frasier and Martin feel a bit awkward but manage to put on a smile.
Frasier and Martin: Hi.
Brendan: Why don't you come and see this guy? He thinks he's a real Klingon!!!
Frasier: I'll need something to cling on to in a minute.
Martin: Just play along Fras.
Trekkie 1: Dr Crane, take a look at this!!!
Frasier: Oh, um.....
Trekkie 1: By the way, I love your radio show.
Frasier: Well, since you put it that way.
Martin chuckles, before he too is led off.
Trekkie 2: Here we go Dr Crane. The very first uniform William Shatner wore in the Original Series. Brendan told us how much you like antiques.
Frasier: Wow, this must be worth.....a lot of money!!!
Trekkie 1: See, even us nerds have antiques.
Noel walks over with Brendan.
Noel: Dr Crane, I see you're impressed.
Frasier: Yes, I am. Is there anything else like it?
Noel: Just come this way.....
Frasier follows Noel. Fade out.
DELTA QUADRANT
Frasier's apartment. Martin is sitting in his chair with Daphne and Niles.
Martin: .....and it was the weirdest thing I've ever attended!!! Great fun of course.
Niles: What about that "Thank The Lord I Just Ain't Bored" party you went to? They couldn't even get the grammar right in the title. Disgraceful.
Martin: Yeah, but this time I got actual memories of the event.
Daphne: Where is Dr Crane anyway?
Martin: Oh, he'll be in in a minute.
Frasier, Noel and Brendan enter.
Frasier: That was great fun, the best fun I've had in weeks!!!
Niles: Frasier?
Frasier: Oh hello Niles, don't mind us. Beam me up Nilesey!!! (he laughs)
Niles: I find that neither funny nor amusing.
Frasier: Check out all this stuff I bought, there's this watch, and this CD-ROM, perfect for Freddie I think, and this model kit too!!! He'll be thrilled!!!
Noel: Well, we'd best get going. See you tomorrow Dr Crane.
Frasier: Bye Noel, Brendan.
They leave. Frasier goes to his room.
Martin: Just forget what I just said - that was the weirdest thing I ever attended. I mean, Freddie doesn't even like Star Trek, Lilith says he watches it just to analyse it for dodgy special effects. (He pauses) Do you want to tell Frasier or shall I?
Daphne: Mr Crane!!!
Martin starts explaining he hasn't read Daphne's diary as we fade out.
Credits: Roz enters her studio ready for the show. All of a sudden she is transported up into the Enterprise ready for Captain Kirk (Noel) to analyse her. She wakes up from her daydream and sighs with relief, just as Noel enters the studio.
Comments welcome at bentowse@hotmail.com.
Frasier created by David Angell, Peter Casey and David Lee. Based on the character "Frasier Crane" created by Glen and Les Charles and featured in the NBC / Paramount production "Cheers". Frasier is a Grub Street Production for NBC and Paramount. All Frasier characters are copyright NBC, Paramount and Grub Street Productions.
Goodnight Seattle created and maintained by Gareth Thomas (
gjthomas84@hotmail.com). Any comments? E-mail me and let me know. I'm listening.This site is totally unofficial.
