A Word From Our Sponsor

No, not really. With a tip of the cap to Bob & Ray and Ellis Weiner.

Do you need...hydrocolloids?

Do you know someone who needs hydrocolloids?

Chican Gums, the leading supplier of hydrocolloids to the food service and general interest industries -- and now available by mail to ordinary consumers like you in a wide variety of inexplicable packaging -- is the solution to your distinctive problem.

If it's a thickener, a filler, a stiffener, a glutinous extract or a gelatinous simulant you need, Chican Gums has a product for you -- and almost certainly in your price range. Not sure if you can afford it? Call our toll-free number and ask to speak to Bob. We're easy.

A WIDE RANGE OF COLORS

Ask your fashion designer! We guarantee he knows us by name. By heart. Regardless of your decor, we can coordinate with it. Have you got a crack in the wall of a "difficult" room? We can fill it no matter how rarefied your color scheme. Visit our web site for authenticated testimonials from H.P. Lovecraft and Ambrose Bierce.

AN INFINITE ARRAY OF TEXTURES

Smooth? Gritty? Sticky? Even...Slimy? Chican Gums can satisfy your needs no matter how oblique they may be, with products that range from AAA Girder-Filler to Formula ZX with its slipperyness coefficient superior to that of wet ice on wet ice. (Extra handling fees may apply.)

IT MAKES SCENTS TO CHOOSE CHICAN GUMS

There's nothing more embarrassing than committing to a 26,000 liter delivery of milkshake thickener only to discover that it smells like drunken ferrets. That's why Chican Gums offers scratch and sniff samplers of all our 276 available fragrances -- unlike some other companies we could name. We know you'll be pleasantly shocked at the sheer realism of some of these scents, and that's why we offer an unconditional money back guarantee: some customers just can't cope with the levels of joy we offer. Words can't express our range of odors, so ask for our free trial pack -- but please: open it outdoors.

CHEWABLE OR NONCHEWABLE, THEY'RE ALL THE SAME TO US

Chican Gums started in the chicle industry and no one knows chewing gum better than us -- but why stop there? We didn't! Chican Gums are endlessly repurposable, and we look forward to working with you, personally, to discover entirely new ranges of application for our products. Uses that neither you nor we have even dreamed of.

Call us today. We dare you.