TEASER
EXT. STREET -- DAY

A YOUNG MAN in a YELLOW SHIRT with a BLACK ZIG-ZAG STRIPE is WALKING ALONG HAPPILY.

YOUNG MAN
I feel...good!

He suddenly COLLAPSES BLEEDING from EVERY BODILY ORIFICE.

YOUNG MAN
Auugh!

The camera ZOOMS IN on his LEFT NOSTRIL just as SOMETHING STIRS in the GOOP.

BLACKOUT.

---

OPENING CREDITS -- "LOUSE, M.D."

---

ACT ONE

INT. DR. RASPUTIN LOUSE'S OFFICE -- DAY

DR. LOUSE is listening to his IPOD while DR. GIRL is trying to get him to do his job.

DR. GIRL
You --

LOUSE
Psoriasis.

DR. GIRL
-- have --

LOUSE
Tennis elbow.

DR. GIRL
-- a --

LOUSE
Hepatitis B.

DR. GIRL
-- dying patient --

LOUSE
Okay, hepatitis C.

DR. GIRL
-- with a three-foot-long nostril hair.

LOUSE
(suddenly interested)
Push 300cc Ativan, STAT!

INT. PATIENT'S PRIVATE ROOM -- DAY

LOUSE and DOCTORS GIRL, AFRICANAMERICAN and AUSTRALIAN are present, looking at the PATIENT.

LOUSE
Patient C. Brown. Differential diagnosis.

DR. GIRL
The EEG eliminates half of all possible causes.

DR. AFRICANAMERICAN
The EKG eliminates the other half.

DR. AUSTRALIAN
I think it's Netter's Syndrome.

LOUSE
(to DR. AUSTRALIAN)
You're an idiot.
(to DR. GIRL)
Start treating the patient for Netter's Syndrome.

DR.GIRL
That might kill him.

LOUSE
Or it'll make him stronger.

LOUSE gives DR. GIRL a PAINFULLY EARNEST LOOK.

DR. GIRL
Okay.

DR. GIRL gives the PATIENT an INJECTION.

PATIENT
My nose itches.

DR. GIRL
I'll get you some product placements.

PATIENT
My stomach hurts.

DR. GIRL
That's perfectly normal.

DR. GIRL applies a PRODUCT PLACEMENT and the patient's SKIN comes off in ONE BIG PIECE.

PATIENT
Auuugh!!!

DR. GIRL
That's not.

LOUSE
Definitely not Netter's Syndrome. Hmm.

LOUSE SWALLOWS an entire BOTTLE of VICODIN without removing the LID.

BLACKOUT.

---

ACT TWO

INT. CHIEF ADMINISTRATOR'S OFFICE -- NIGHT

LOUSE is getting DRESSED DOWN by HOSPITAL ADMINISTRATOR, DR. FEMALEADMIN.

FEMALEADMIN
Your patient is suing us for six hundred million dollars.

LOUSE
I hate weepy whiners.

FEMALEADMIN
But I'm taking you off Clinic Duty.

LOUSE
(with raised eyebrow)
To what do I owe this beneficence?

FEMALEADMIN
You successfully stopped Robert Klein's leg, remember? He just donated six hundred million dollars and fifty-eight cents to the hospital.

LOUSE looks mournfully at his OWN CRIPPLED LEG.

FEMALEADMIN
Also, and I'm sure this will upset you, Dr. Australian and Dr. Africanamerican were arrested for breaking and entering. They got twenty years to life. They've sworn to kill you if and when they get out on parole.

LOUSE
But did they find the key piece of evidence in the patient's house, which I ordered them to go get, before they were arrested?

FEMALEADMIN
No.

LOUSE
Damn. This case is so intractable it gives me a real pain in the leg. And I'm all out of Vicodin.

LOUSE WHACKS himself over the HEAD with his CANE. It BREAKS.

LOUSE
Ooh. Yum.
(beat)
Say, that gives me an idea.

FADE OUT.

---

ACT THREE

INT. PRIVATE HOSPITAL ROOM -- DAY

LOUSE is STARING DOWN into the CAMERA (PATIENT POV)

LOUSE
Everybody lies. Tell me what you lied to me about so I can cure you.

PATIENT
(v.o.)
Who the hell are you? I've never seen you before in my life.

LOUSE starts beating PATIENT with taped-together CANE.

LOUSE
Liar! Give me the clue! You know there is one!

PATIENT
Auugh!!!

DR. GIRL and DR. HISONLYFRIEND run into the room.

DR. HISONLYFRIEND
What in GOD'S GREEN SALAD are you DOING? You're in the wrong ROOM!

LOUSE gives HISONLYFRIEND a PAINFULLY EARNEST LOOK.

DR. HISONLYFRIEND
Okay.

LOUSE
(to DR. GIRL)
Order up a whole-body enema for this patient.

PATIENT
Auuugh!!!!!

LOUSE
MY patient too. In fact, make it the whole FLOOR.

PATIENTS
(offscreen)
AUUUGH!!!!!

BLACKOUT.

---

ACT FOUR

INT. LOUSE'S HOUSE -- NIGHT

LOUSE is dangling what appears to be a slimy six-foot-long NOSTRIL HAIR in front of him. He SIGHS and drops it in the TRASH, then tries to walk to his PIANO without his CANE and FAILS.

LOUSE
I have GOT to try steroids. Or maybe hormone thera--
(He does a TAKE.)
Aha!

LOUSE hobbles past the CAMERA looking PURPOSEFUL.

INT. OPERATING THEATER OBSERVATION ROOM

FEMALEADMIN
You've ordered a WHAT?

LOUSE
Trust me, I'm a genius. It's a SURE CURE.

FEMALEADMIN
Who's going to PAY for it?

LOUSE
Oh, like the hospital doesn't own the operating room. Besides, the Chief Surgeon owes me three thousand bucks from when I bet him I could get pictures of you naked.

FEMALEADMIN
Auugh!!!

INT. HOSPITAL LOBBY -- DAY
Fully cured PATIENT is walking happily out of the ELEVATOR, accompanied by LOUSE and DR. GIRL. PATIENT is now a YOUNG WOMAN and wearing a RED WIG.

PATIENT
Thank you SO MUCH, Doctor! I could just KISS you!

LOUSE gives PATIENT a GRIM STARE.

PATIENT
Okay.

DR. GIRL
How EVER did you decide that a SEX-CHANGE OPERATION would solve the problem?

LOUSE
The patient was suffering from an excess of YANG caused by INHIBITED PUBERTY.

DR. GIRL
Hah?

LOUSE DRAGS the PATIENT around into the CAMERA for a GRATUITOUS CGI VISUAL EFFECT SHOT. The CAMERA tracks into the PATIENT'S NASAL CAVITY and DOWN through her whole BODY.

LOUSE
(v.o.)
That three-foot-long nostril hair WASN'T a three-foot-long nostril hair. It was a SIX-FOOT-LONG deeply ingrown PUBIC HAIR, which only broke loose during the ENEMA. Symptomatic of FUNNYPAGES SYNDROME, in which ADOLESCENCE is PERMANENTLY DELAYED. Remove the TESTES, remove the PROBLEM.

PATIENT
(pulling NOSTRIL off of CAMERA)
Can I go now?

A ROLLING STONES song starts to play. It suddenly changes to "Can't Touch This" by M.C. HAMMER.

LOUSE
Yeah, get lost.

LOUSE's EX-WIFE walks up along with FEMALEADMIN. They link ARMS with PATIENT and DR. GIRL, and ROCKETTE OFF CAMERA. LOUSE GNAWS THROUGH his CANE.

LOUSE
Auugh.

FADE TO BLACK.
END CREDITS.