On The Gray Squirrel

An essay suitable for printing by ethically decrepit fourth-graders.

The common gray squirrel (sciurus majorpainus) was invented in 1872 by William J. Farnesworth, an itinerant squirrel vendor.

Upon arriving in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, U.S.A., North America, from his native Gondwanaland, Farnesworth was struck by two things: 1) the need for a better squirrel; 2) a pie. These events, not listed in chronological order, were not unrelated, for upon being struck by the aforementioned pie (apple; Granny Smith to be precise), Farnesworth was set upon by hungry native plaid squirrels, which swarmed upon his body in a most profligate fashion to devour the flavorsome comestible.

The nibbling process took several hours, and Farnesworth nearly died of consumption before it was complete. Distressed by the experience, Farnesworth took it upon himself to breed a better and more efficient squirrel, one which could remove a Standard American Apple Pie from a Standard American in not more than three minutes on its own.

That was in March of 1871. Over the next six months, Farnesworth experimented endlessly by crossbreeding plaid and checked squirrels, but to no beneficial result; indeed, upon inventing the notorious paisley squirrel (sciurus sanfranciscus, which caused enormous controversy in Philadelphia by gnawing its way into Quaker churches and licking people on the left kneecap at peculiar times), he was sorely tempted to abandon his efforts; and, indeed, was convinced to continue only by the timely intervention of another apple pie (see Charles Fort's Unaccountable Desserts, p. 472).

The long winter of 1871-72, which inundated the American east coast with eight feet of solid precipitation and a foot of snow, brought minimal progress. Farnesworth wore out 7,327 squirrels during the course of his experimentation, drawing considerable attention from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, the members of which picketed the wrong house for several weeks; finally, a special session of the Pennsylvania Legislature was called, though for unrelated reasons. Farnesworth was on the verge of despair, having received not a single Christmas present.

Finally, on January 21st, 1872, while idly paging through a copy of the Saturday Evening Post that had arrived Thursday morning, Farnesworth's breakthrough arrived -- for printed at the top of the indicia was a Wise Saying. It read: "In the dark, all cats are gray." Struck by inspiration, Farnesworth stuffed all his remaining squirrels into an opaque bag (after letting the cat out) and simply let them get on with it -- and only weeks later a pure gray squirrel emerged. Clutching it to his chest, Farnesworth ran into the street screaming for pie -- and the rest, at least, is history.