written 6/17/98
Falling
Falling into that same dream
Falling into those arms
The arms of love
The arms of security
The arms twist around my body
Remembering everything by touch
Tasting his sweet lips
That never ending feeling
The feeling of his body and his love entwined with mine
Running my fingers over your cheeks and lips
Every nite this dream comes back
Every nite the feeling gets stronger
Every nite I reach out for your love
But then I realize it was only a dream
I only wonder if you feel the same way
Lost in Lust
written 5/22/98
Blinded by lust
What could I do?
I was just crazy,
Crazy for you
Now I have leveled
Came down from Heaven
But you seem to think
that I don't understand
I may be young
I may be naive
I am not ignorant
to other people's feelings.
You really must despise me
I am sorry I said those
three words to you
I needed a comfort
I needed support
You were the lone angel
that helped me export
that feeling of love
I'll never forget you
But I must say,
That I'll love you forever,
No matter what you say.
Sweet Dreams
written 5/9/98
Thinking of you
Holding me
Forever holding me
I long for your sweet love
Actual love
I want to feel your love
I want to hear your voice
I want to feel your touch
I want your warmth
Always thinking of you
Every night
Always knowing I don't deserve you
Every night I cry out for you
But all I get is the empty wind
Looking up at the sky full of wishful stars
Wondering if you are doing the same
Making the same wish as I
Standing in the serene sunlight
I close my eyes with you on my mind
Will you still be there when I awake?
Still, am I in your arms?
Wondering if you are thinking what I feel
Wondering if you are alone
Wondering why you are missing your heart
I kiss your lips
But will you wake up?
Life's End Forgotten
written 5/1/98
Sweetness and pureness
Where have these feelings gone?
Walking a maze, blind as a rat
dodging the traps, the fires
Will I ever get out?
Or will I forever drown in this turmoil?
Holding my life's end in my hand
I drop that sorrow thinking I am done
Little do I know life's pitfalls throws me
another
The Light
written 5/1/98
Swimming, drowning
I can see the light
Light flickering, trying to stay on
I'm sinking
I have to hurry to the light
Or drown into the black hole
I get so close to the light
Feel it's warmth brushing my face
It's undying love
Almost to it
My will is dying
I'm sinking
I push towards the light with all my might
I'm almost there
Push and shove
I need to feel it
It's calling my name
I reach my arm out yet I feel nothing
No warmth, no touch, no love, no feelings
Nothing
Distant Love
written 5/13/98
The weight now gone
Always thinking of you
Trying to clear my thoughts
But you is all I think of
Sad you can't be here
Sad you are so far
Wish I was there to help with the pain
Soon I will be there
You will wisk me off my feet
Both, together we will be happy
All I wish of you is to be here and to hold me
All the love in the world will never measure
with my eternal love for you
Our love is slow
Our love is strong
I only wish I could feel your love
Feeling the warmth of your body against mine
Laying in the sunlight
Finally feeling your love
Your arms wrapped around me like a snake
Tighter and tighter as your grasp is closer
A whisper in time
We will be together
Untitled
written 3/17/98
Ripping out my heart
Ripping cut my life
Never shall I have a future in your eyes
Never shall I live to see it
So easy to end it
So many things to live for
Tearing out my lust for life
Left in ruins is my lifeless soul
Untitled
written 3/17/98
Why must it hurt?
Who ever said life was so easy?
Did I ever ask to be born?
Why was I brought here?
I shall never know the answers to these questions
as I start my new life
Untitled
written 3/17/98
Shall I, will I create a future?
Perfect life, perfect marriage
perfect kids, perfect
I fell down this spiral of hate becuz of you
Now why must I be brought back?
Untitled
written 3/17/98
This life never ends
It always gets worse
Always thinking, always waiting
Will it get better or will I be rescued
I guess I'll never know for sure
You just wait and see
I will be something
Never in your eyes
But in mine own
Untitled 3
written 1/16/97
The memories of him flowing through my mind
Feeling his soft touch on my skin
Hearing his soothing voice telling me he loves me
But that has all wasted away
Our lives are different
Why should we continue?
No longer together, but forever apart
Never really saying I loved him
But now will I eternally regret
Why do I hate myself for this?
I shouldn't be like this!
I will still see him
I can never forget him
And I will always love him
Forever
Untitled 2
written 12/11/96
My mind rushing with thoughts
thoughts I've never heard
My heart pumping
pumping I've never felt
My eyes filling with rage
rage I've never felt
My hands holding the trembling blade
What has my life become?
Am I worth living or dying?
No one cares, everyone lies
They say one thing but they don't mean it
They play with my soul just to see if they can break me
They have finished their job
I don't know why I even bother
I should just end it cuz of father
He's the one that made me like this
He's the one that doesn't care
I live and die in his face
He thinks he helps but he just makes it worse
Finally my life has come down to this
I have been put here to finally do it
And now I decide
Untitled 1
written 6/16/97
I lay in bed thinking about what I should do
It's all clear to me
But my mind doesn't know what to do
I've thought about it over and over
My mind thoughts rushing like a river
I have decided
it's all clear to me
the day grows pink
I die a slow harmonious death
no one cares
no one hears
my silent cries of pain.
Disgusting Life
written 11/11/96
As I begin to take the blade to my wrists all the memories start coming back. All the things they took, all the things they said I couldn't do or who I couldn't be friends with. The setting, present. I'm in the shower, crying out of frustration. Razorblade in my left hand, shining in the light. It's like it's telling me what to do! End all of this hell now! I think of why I'm doing it, what I have to live for, who's gonna care when I'm gone?! Asbolutely no one and no one is gonna give a shit about me! Why bother to live! There is no point! As the last thought enters my mind, as the last breath enters my body, as I take a last look at myself, I slowly pull the blade over my wrists, as I let the pain slowly fall out of my body....all of my life...all of my pain.....
Winter Poem
written 1992
A child in the forest shivering.
It's eyes are crying for help.
The moon is shimmering in the light.
His heart is leaping for glory.
His heart is calling for his mother.
He wishes to see glimmering dolphins
in the seas. The beautiful golden bird
is shining in the air. The boy longs to
have sweet dreams. The wind blows
in the boy's face.
His heart is flaming with sweet dreams.
He longs to fly with golden birds.
The wind is shimmering with coldness
and wind. Sweet love burns in the child's
heart.
