February 2000

*Feb 02, 2000*

A great start to the month. NOT!

*WARNING- RANT BEGINS-*

Let's see, where to begin? How about two separate cases of the flu within 4 weeks time. At this point I think I should be considered a stock holder in Dristan....

My wonderful daughter continues to have more difficulties both at home and school...DESPITE the new meds. Not that this should be a surprise to me after 7 years of it but it is more than a tad disappointing. She continues to steal from her classmates, other parents continue to see me as incompetent and my patience grows ever thinner. One neighbour even went so far as to tell the Children's Aid Society that my daughter had a disorder and not only was I doing NOTHING about it, I wasn't supervising her well enough. Fortunately for me it was hogwash and the case was closed immediately. Gee thanks people, my life wasn't quite stressful enough. (Smell that? That's sarcasm!)

In addition I have been pulled from my 'placement' (Workfare) in order to sort out my continuing health problems as well as my daughter's difficulties. Although in a way I am relieved that I now have time to deal with such matters without a vice-grip like feeling, I am utterly despondant because it means I couldn't hold a job even if I got one right now.

I am having increasingly many more problems with my neighbours and must tough it out yet another two months before I qualify for the help I need to move into a decent building that doesn't cost over $250 a month (just for electricity). My concern about moving is finding a place that's willing to rent to me because of my daughter. (Her destructive nature and loud tantrums make it difficult on other tennants. As soon as I mention she has ADHD they won't touch me.)

And let's not even touch the financial difficulties shall we? I mean right now I am so poor the only thing a pick pocket would get from me is PRACTICE. I haven't been able to break even on monthly bills in so long I'm beginning to wonder if it's actually possible or just an urban myth. And how do you explain to a seven year old why she's the only kid in class whose parent can't afford pizza day at school every month? Especially when the other so called "Welfare" kids can?

Then there's the trial. The third anniversary of the initial charges being laid is in April. APRIL. THIRD YEAR. Does anyone else see a problem with this?! I know that having a system of law is better than not having one but how do they honestly expect a family to survive this when young children are involved? I can't divulge any details here because it's still ongoing but I can say that this has been three years of complete and utter turmoil for my family and I just want it to be over by before the end of this year.

How do I feel? Like a bongo drum after a thirteen hour concert...... Like God's personal whipping post......like the living embodiment of Murphy's Law. That's how I feel.

*RANT ENDS*

*Feb 08, 2000*

Well, no longer can I deny that I am in a full blown depression. A severe one at that. Problems continue to weigh heavily on my mind and there seems no hope of lightening the load any time soon.

My daughter continues to have have difficulties at school and at least a couple of days a week I am forced to bring her home early. Today she was only at school for an HOUR before I got the call to come and get her. She once again assaulted another student and I was told that they "couldn't manage her behaviour" at the office. At the risk of yet another rant I honestly have to wonder just what it is a school full of qualified people can't do that they seem to think I can?

My foot continues to trouble me greatly. The pain has been increasing daily for the last week and I am at a loss. There is only so much activity I can cut out of my life. The pain is causing severe mood swings where I just want to sit and cry and give up, knowing I cannot. I look to my family begrudgingly for help. I hate the fact that I must ask . I feel like a burden to them and like I'm not able to give everything that is needed of me. (Of course they would deny this vehemently and threaten to "kick my ass" for even thinking it.) I can't take my kids skating or tobogganing.....I can barely walk to the corner store somedays. They try to be understanding but I know that really, they can't.

Then there is my beloved, strong as a rock he sits there and waits for my pleas for help, never sure whether to just do it anyway or not. I have often seen the conflict in his eyes. Surely this is not the life we had hoped for together and yet what would I do without him now? Many nights I have lain awake wondering if I'm holding him back, Logic says he would not stay with me were it not for love. I however, have never been the trusting sort. We have always had open communication abilities with one another and I have been doubting as of late if he's telling me everything that troubles him in order not to put more stress on me. Afterwards I always feel this huge pang of guilt . My mind is in such torment over the smallest of things I can no longer see that which lies right in front of me...... and it scares the hell out of me.

*Feb 10, 2000*

Ahhh ...what an interesting day. After having a night I off I desperately needed, I come home this morning to find everything in chaos. .....as usual. I ask you when does the pain stop? Never, I know. Such is the way of things. Still things have been a little easier since leaving the placement. More of my housework is getting done despite the foot injury and at least I get a few hours in the mornings to myself.

It's amazing how much pain and suffering a human being can endure. In fact I think many are right and that we do indeed seem to thrive on it. Still I cannot shake the feeling that this is merely the calm before the storm and that harder days are coming for me. In fact, I'm almost certain that things will decline further before they improve.

It always seems I'm writing here to complain about things going wrong and it never ceases to amaze me that since I put up the new guestbook this section has been listed as a favourite at least twice. I know why I do this, it's a form of therapy for me. When I can bare my soul here it doesn't matter if I have anyone else around to talk about it or not, it gets it out of my sytem and I often feel better afterwards.

I just find it hard to imagine that others could find my rantings amusing in some way. Perhaps they see a kindred spirit or perhaps they just laugh and say that no one could be THAT miserable...who knows?

*Feb 13, 2000*

After reading a friend's online Journal yesterday I feel rather silly. Seems for awhile both of us were at the state where we wanted to give up. Tired of fighting for every inch. I think it hit me harder when I looked around and realised my house has been a continual disaster for the last three months. It will take awhile and some planning to fix it but I think it would actually help rebuild my self esteem in the long run. Not being able to do the simplest things because of pain is not an easy thing to overcome. You feel helpless and worthless because you MUST ask for help.

Pride is a dangerous thing.

*Feb 16, 2000*

Tonight was our first visit out to the residential home where my son is. My daughter and I were transported by Taxi for a evening of games, participation and dinner. Although a little excited, I think my son handled himself fairly well. He is currently a little upset at a forced change in his diet but other than that was rather good.

I was also extrememly proud of my daughter for managing her behaviour better than I have seen in weeks. We all played air hockey and pool and had some good conversation. She was antsy by the end of the evening but conducted herself well even then, allowing us to redirect her fairly easy.

We will be going out every second week from now on to be a part of my son's counselling and recovery.

 

*Feb 21, 2000*

Went to see Snow Day yesterday at the movies .... what a riot! I could see my kid pulling those stunts. I really could. Although I had to walk quite a distance (no bus service on Sunday) it was nice to get out and have a good laugh.

*Feb 28,2000*

The end of the month approacheth. YAY. It's been a hard week for me. Daughter is losing control of herself despite my best efforts. School is looking for answers I cannot give. Other parents are also looking for answers and end up regretting the decision to ask. I am hopeful this week will go better.

My son continues to progress but very slowly. He still refuses to deal with past issues and is risking extending his release date accordingly. I know it's doing him good but with all the "bad family news" I've received I keep hoping that he'll find the courage to face his past and go back home.

I myself and both physically and mentally exhausted and, even though my daughter's sleep habits have stabilized, I am now suffering from a mild form of insomnia. Every new task feels like a lead weight and simple daily tasks feel like mountains.

Once again the trial date we were expecting to receive has not been forthcoming and won't be revealed now until late March. The longer it goes on the more I just want to run away, not to face it. I dread taking the stand again for this time I have been warned that it will be much more personal.

Three times in the last two weeks I have tried to arrange a night out for myself and some friends for some stress relief. We've been trying to get to local Karaoke Night. (My voice is okay, for those who might wonder, not great, but okay)Each time we have run into complications and have been unable to go. I am hoping to fix that this week and maybe get out this Saturday or next depending.