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We posted these messages on Mosaic
Minds:
Need support/feedback re: troubled insider
(long)
Posted by MD on September 29, 2002 at 15:02:31:
We're wondering if anyone can identify with this. Or if not, we'd still appreciate any
supportive input.
Aurora, one of our teens (she's usually about 16), has the emotional development of a very
scared six-and-a-half-year-old. Her earliest memory (that we know of) is the first day of
first grade, where she/we took a seat at the desk closest to the bathroom, so that if need
be, we could run into the bathroom and lock the door for safety. Of course, there was no real
threat to our safety, but Aurora perceived one.
It would seem that anyone inside who was that convinced of danger without any external present
evidence would have to have been around for a prior threat, or be so aware of a prior threat
that she had reason to believe such a threat existed somewhere at the current time.
Aurora seems to be stuck in that first-grade moment. Maybe she's stuck in other/earlier
moments as well; we don't know her well enough to be sure. No matter how many moments there
were, she felt enough of a threat to have one younger sister (Nona) masquerade as a boy
throughout our childhood to stay safe, and instilled hypervigilance in her youngest sister
(Deidra) to keep her from being touched.
Also, in addition to having the ability to slide in age from about 13-17, Aurora's
personality can fluctuate greatly from what we describe above all the way to angry
fighter/protector/defender/hermit, if she....joins forces....with Dare, an amorphous
pseudo-teenage protector whose primary MO is to protect the system by confusing the rest of
us.
Speaking of confused, are you confused yet? We would be if we were reading this rather than
writing it. So are the Days of our Lives.:-/
Anyway, we've come to realize that Aurora is at the bottom of most of our current inability to
cope with certain things. She may have instilled some fear in all of the Silent Kids, and
even some of the other kids who now talk and have learned to function fully. We have no proof
that she actually went this far, deliberately or unintentionally, but we can imagine the kids
sensing the enormity of Aurora's fear during the dark times, and absorbing it.
The bottom line is that it's become imperative for us to deal with Aurora's problems as
completely as possiible, or else not only remain at an impasse in our healing and growth, but
possibly backslide to a place of internal and external chaos. We believe that Aurora is not
beyond the ability to engage in self-defeating behaviors (not endanger our safety, but cause
us trouble on the job or other aspects of daily life) with the idea that she's protecting
herself and others inside.
She wants safety for all of us. Not just safety, but the kind of completely innocent,
trusting safety that a happy and healthy baby feels. No need to worry about anything, just
lie under the blankets and breathe, sleeep, and feel secure.
She wants to be that baby. She wants all of us to be that baby. She wants us to have that
innocence and safety and security forever; we're certain of this as can be without having
heard her say so with words.
We don't know what to do. Aurora's stubbornness is immeasurable. She's intractable. We
recently read on the boards about the value of cutting pictures out of magazines and using
those pictures to express feelings. This is good for someone like Aurora who can't use
words. So we've reached into our immense pile of old magazines and started clipping pictures
that represent things Aurora seems to fear and feel.
But we don't know if this will be enough. In fact, we're sure it won't. So we need more ideas
and input. Aurora doesn't write or draw, and we as a group usually don't do physical displays
of anger. But if there are any other ways to work with her, to help her stop digging her
heels....we'd love to know.
Thanks for reading all this. And for any help you can provide.
MD
An insider who's plural?
Posted by MD on October 16, 2002 at 23:15:40:
Our situation with Aurora gets more complicated.
Since her personality has varied so drastically at times, we've come to the conclusion that
Aurora is plural. You know, like those mid-continuum folks who show differing parts of the
self, but not separate enough to be considered multiple.
That's how it is with Aurora, except she's a plural person within a multiple system. All one
person, yet that person changes at times. It's different from "the Lauras," a subgroup of our
system, who have always been separate people (i.e. Laura, Jeannine, laurajean, etc.) While
there are at least three distinct Auroras, they're all the same person. At any given time,
she's only one of her, and her age varies with the persona.
We've come to see the fearful Aurora as Aurora13, the defensive Aurora as Aurora17, and
Aurora16 as the one who's around when the others aren't. We believe that Aurora17 is the one
who insisted her sisters (Nona and Deidra) keep secrets, and we're also beginning to think
that she's taken the same control with Aurora16 and Aurora13.
We also don't rule out the possibility that there are other Auroras (other ages and traits)
within her that we haven't seen yet. Either way, the whole situation is very intense and very
draining on us as a group, and we have a feeling we've only begun to scratch the surface with
this stuff.
Anybody else have a "chameleon" insider? Or an insider with their own multiple
system, people within the one person?
MD
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