Harry and Jerry

Harry and Jerry
By Walter Edminster

Harry and Jerry are from another planet. They are not the type of Ets one reads about in the tabloids. They have a great sense of humor and no immediate plans to conquer earth. They are here on a peace keeping mission. You know, like when the UN sends soldiers to third world countries as peace keepers. The inter-steller galaxy coordinators, after extensive research, decided that earth had a lot going for it and with a little help, would be able to bring themselves up to the standards of the rest of the galaxy. Harry and Jerry were there to help them reach that goal.

Harry and Jerry were not their real names of course. Since their own names were unpronounceable here on earth, they chose two earth names as alternatives. Harry had a sense of humor and was quite a talker. He was the diplomat of the team. Jerry was the more conservative of the two. He was the no nonsense, go by the book type. He was also the engineer and technical expert of the team. He said very little but hiding beneath the surface was a sense of humor waiting to be let loose.

From the beginning their superiors back on the home planet had not been sure these were the right two for this assignment. They were the Laurel and Hardy of their planet. They were unorthodox in the way they handled things but they got results. Their superiors couldn’t very well justify pulling them back. For over a year things had gone rather smoothly. That was before the met Sam Fletcher.

Sam had always been a clumsy, uncoordinated klutz. At least he was until he met Harry and Jerry. Sam loved to fly his little Cessna 150. One day on a whim he decided to fly under a bridge. He would have made it too, if Harry and Jerry hadn’t had their UFO parked on the other side.

Sam was one of those people no one ever noticed. He was almost handsome, he had good bone structure but was slightly underweight. His muscles were in all the right places but not large enough for anyone to notice. He had slow reflexes, was extremely uncoordinated and had very little confidence in himself. About the only thing he had going for him was his mind. He had an IQ that was approaching the genius level and didn’t even know it. In high school he’d barely passed History and Literature but made straight A in all science and mathematic subjects. He was told by his history teacher that he wasn’t as smart as the rest of the students in his class. Sam believed him and stumbled through life thinking he was stupid. Bullies picked on him, girls teased him and old ladies mothered him. His was not a happy life.

The day Sam hit the UFO the creatures inside knew they’d goofed. They were parked where they shouldn’t have been. There were strict rules about visiting other planets. No abductions, stay out of sight as much as possible, gather data about the planet, then return home for a tour of shore duty.

They pulled Sam’s body out of the wreckage and brought it into their version of ER. Boy was he a mess. They didn’t know where to start. Since abductions had been banned for over 2000 years it had been quite a while since they’d worked on a human. They were still allowed to remove organs from farm animals but that wasn’t the same.

They decided to try it anyway and gave Sam a complete overhaul. They did a good job of it too. In fact they did too good a job. His face was a little more handsome, his teeth a little more perfect, his muscles were much, much stronger than the originals, and they completely reworked his nervous system. They had no way of knowing they’d just created a modern day Frankenstein. One much better looking and more congenial than the original. It was still Sam but with subtle differences. It’s like seeing a girl you’ve known for years who changed her hair style and looks more attractive than usual. You know it’s her but can’t figure out why you never noticed how pretty she was before.

They put Sam, still unconscious, back on the river bank near his wrecked plane and high tailed out of there. He’d wake up soon with a splitting headache wondering how he’d survived the accident and vowing never to try to fly under that darned bridge again. He would have no recollection of the UFO. He would come to the conclusion that his left wing tip had hit part of the bridge causing him to spin into the trees, throwing him clear, miraculously saving his life.

Sam learned about his extraordinary powers at the company picnic. While playing ball with the kids he unconsciously performed a few feats of strength and agility he would have never been capable of in the past. It went unnoticed. Nobody ever noticed Sam. But one person did. The company doctor, a very quite fellow who listened more than he talked, had watched Sam’s performance with great interest. Dr. Smith had been in the space industry during its heyday and looked at things from a different viewpoint than the average company doctor who’s main interests were, on-the-job accidents, flu epidemics, and an occasional social disease. Dr. Smith was, to say the least, very much interested in what he had just witnessed. Of all the people at the picnic, he was the only person who knew that what he had just seen couldn’t have been accomplished by a normal human being. Especially Sam. He decided to go over and have a talk with him.

Dr. Smith, being a man of few words, said, “Sam, how did you do the things I just saw you do?” Marge, Sam’s girlfriend looked up at Sam and said, “Yeah Sam, how did you do that?” Sam looked like he’d just thought about it for the first time, which he had of course, and said, “I’ll be darned if I know.”

“I’ll be darned if I know too. When you came in for your last physical, your reflexes were so bad your hand jumped instead of your foot when I tapped you on the knee with the mallet.”

“I think you’re exaggerating Doc.”

“Well, maybe a little but not much. Why don’t you come to my office Monday and let me run a few tests on you. I’d like to see just how physically fit you really are then I want to find out what kind of vitamins you’ve been taking.”

Dr. Smith ran Sam through every test he could think of and finally came to one conclusion; Sam’s abilities were far beyond anything he could detect using the technology he had at his disposal. He told Sam that if he didn’t know better he’d think he was an alien in human form. He didn’t know how close to the truth he was.

Marge was the closest thing to a girl friend Sam had ever had. She was a klutz just like he was and didn’t have any more luck with the boys than he did with the girls. They went out to dinner every so often but it really wasn’t what you’d call a courtship. They’d never gone to bed together either. They were both slightly old fashioned about things like that. They were a comfort to each other and that was about it. They had something most married couples would give a fortune to have. Marge wasn’t unattractive. In fact she could have been very attractive if she’d fix her hair a little and put on something besides sloppy jeans and a sweat shirt.

Sam had never really thought too much about himself but after reviewing the events of the last six or seven days he was beginning to wake up. Yes, he did have extraordinary strength for a man his size, he did have faster reflexes than the average man, and now he could see perfectly without glasses. And it all happened immediately after the accident, not slowly over a period of time but immediately. This was indeed strange. He talked to Marge about it but she said it had been there all the time. It just needed some event to trigger it. Sam knew better but let it go at that.

When Sam realized how he had changed, he started getting into trouble. Sam was the Good Samaritan type. He often helped people in need. Very few acknowledged it or even bothered to thank him. But he couldn’t help himself. He continued doing good deeds for people who forgot who he was ten minutes after he was out of sight. His acts of unnoticed kindness probably would have gone on unnoticed forever if it hadn’t been for his new special capabilities. Now his good deeds were of a more spectacular nature. Sam’s exploits came to the attention of Harry and Jerry’s superiors back on the home planet who suspected Harry and Jerry had something to do with it. Fearing they’d be given an extended tour of duty on the surface of Jupiter, they brought him back to the UFO for modifications. They explained what they’d done then removed all his special features. The super fast reflexes and the strength of a 500 pound gorilla had to go but they let him keep his physique, good looks and his coordination. Sam became a normal, well coordinated individual who really hadn’t wanted to be a super hero in the first place. But let’s back up a little and review the events that led up to Sam’s deactivation.

Event number one.

Sam made his living as a computer consultant. He was a darned good one too, but he didn’t know it. His boss new it though. He sent Sam out on all the tough assignments and Sam always came through. He never considered giving Sam a promotion. Sam had so little confidence in himself he would have never made it as a leader. At least that’s what his boss thought. Hidden beneath that shy exterior was a leader waiting for the opportunity to escape

Sam had been given a two day assignment in Houston. Dr. Smith decided to go with him and visit some of his old NASA friends. He was a little worried about Sam and his new capabilities. He wanted to be with him as much as possible while he was still growing accustomed to them. He knew that if the government found out about him they’d take over his life. He kept warning Sam to keep a low profile. No heroics. Don’t get on the front page of the tabloids. During his visit, Dr. Smith had just hinted to his friend, Dr. Wheeler, that he might know someone who had above average capabilities. Wheeler jumped on it immediately, confirming Dr. Smith’s fears.

As the plane out of Houston was climbing to 35 thousand feet Sam was listening to Dr. Smith explain to him the importance of keeping a low profile. He understood what he was saying but didn’t really see how it applied to him. Nobody had ever noticed anything he’d done in the past. Nobody ever would in the future, either. Sam was wrong about that.

After they reached altitude the seatbelt signs went off, the hostesses started loading their little carts with peanuts and small bottles, two older ladies headed for the lavatories, and four dark complected gentlemen with black mustaches got up from their seats and started pulling long brown canvas bags out of the overhead storage compartments. All the bags looked the same. All four gentlemen looked the same except for one who appeared to have some degree of intelligence. The other three just looked mean.

They were mean. Two were in the front of the plane, one in the rear of the plane, and one in the middle. Sam noticed the one in the middle first because he was only two seats up from him. Then he noticed the two up front. They were all doing exactly the same thing. First they pulled hunting knifes out of their bags and strapped them to their legs. Then they took out hand guns and strapped them to their waists. They were in no hurry. They had a captive audience and they knew it. People were beginning to stare, not believing what they were seeing. Next they pulled out automatic weapons. Now the passengers knew something was wrong but by then it was too late to do anything about it. Sam looked down the isle toward the back of the plane knowing before hand what he was going to see. Everyone from one end of the plane to the other was staring at the wrong end of a weapon that could spit out more rounds of lead in a second than anyone could count.

The gentleman with the intelligent face had an announcement to make. He held up his hand and said, “Please, may I have your attention. We are in the process of hijacking your aircraft. We hope you will not interfere with our operation because if you do we will be forced to send you to your God prematurely. We have demands to make that do not concern you. Your part in this plan is very simple. You are to act as hostages. We will kill as many of you as we have to in order to convince your people in Washington of our sincerity. This is no bluff. We are very serious about this. I will demonstrate.” He pulled the automatic out of his holster and without fanfare, shot the elderly gentleman in the isle seat in the forehead. The elderly lady sitting next to him started screaming... But not for long. Then he said, “Do I make myself clear? Now we will talk to your pilot.” The man beside him turned and entered the flight deck. There was a muffled explosion. The three remaining hijackers grinned.

Sam looked around at Dr. Smith. When Dr. Smith saw the look on Sam’s face he said, “No, No, don’t even think about it. Remember, low profile.” Sam thought that Dr. Smith was probably right but if he was to intervene, just how would he go about it? He’d been talking to the old couple in the terminal and he’d liked them.

The two hijackers fore and aft stayed stationary while the middle man paced up and down the isle stopping occasionally to give frightened passengers sinister looks. He was not given this assignment by chance. He was the meanest looking of the bunch and also the craziest. One look at those eyes and you were ready to hide under the seat. Sam noticed that his knife was strapped to the calf of his right leg. He also noticed the flap of his holster was tucked in behind his belt so he could draw his automatic quickly and thrust it into some frightened passenger’s face, which he did quite often. It was obvious he loved his work. Sam noticed that when the hijacker walked from fore to aft past his seat, the knife was within easy reach of his right hand. He formed a plan. Just in case he decided to intervene. Of course he wasn’t going to but it would still be nice to have a plan. It gave him something to do while waiting to see if he was going to live through this or not.

Up until then the hijacker hadn’t noticed Sam but on his next pass he stopped and looked him right in the eye. Sam didn’t look frightened and this bothered the hijacker. He said something in Arabic to him. Sam just stared at him. The hijacker spit in Sam’s face, laughed and continued down the isle. Dr. Smith squeezed Sam’s arm and said, “Don’t!” Sam nodded. But it was too late. He’d made up his mind.

On the next couple of passes the hijacker looked at Sam, chuckled and went on. On the third pass he’d lost interest in him. He had his eye on someone a few seats back. What happened next took only 5 seconds but for Sam it was in slow motion.

When the approaching hijacker was close enough, Sam reached out, grabbed the knife, and thrust it upward touching the tip of the knife ever so gently to a soft spot just below the hijacker’s breastbone. They say a body in motion tends to stay in motion until acted upon by an opposing force. The hijacker was in motion, the knife was the opposing force. You might say he impaled himself on his own knife. Before he even started to fall, Sam was already up. He quickly turned the dying body toward the front of the plane, pull the automatic so conveniently left free, and shot the intelligent one in the chest before he had a chance to get a shot off. Then he turned and took out the man in the rear of the plane. Three down one to go. Sam raced up the isle. Stepping over the deceased intelligent hijacker, he kicked open the flight deck door and shot the last hijacker in the face. The flight engineer was already dead. A bullet to the back of the head. He’d been the example set for the remainder of the flight crew.

In the passenger’s cabin, what had just happened hadn’t registered yet. Everyone was still in a state of shock. Sam took advantage of this and immediately ducked into the nearest lavatory. Sam’s mind was running I high gear now. In a flash he understood exactly what Dr. Smith had been trying to tell him. He locked the door, took off his coat and tie then stuffed it and the gun in a crevice below the sink. Then he wet his face, ruffled his hair, pulled his shirttail out and waited. When the activity on the other side of the lavatory had reached a peak he slipped out and fell into a vacant window seat in the front row. He held his hand over his mouth pretending to be on the verge of vomiting. The lady in the isle seat immediately turned away hoping he wouldn’t vomit before they reached Dallas. He sat close to the window, watching the clouds roll by. No one paid any attention to him. They were all trying to figure out who the nice looking fellow in the dark blue suit and red tie was. The hero who had just saved their lives. Fortunately, Dallas was near and with all the commotion nobody had time to reach any conclusions.

Sam and Dr. Smith exited separately with the rest of the passengers then walked separately until they were outside the main terminal. Without saying a word to each other they jump into the first taxi they saw and made a hasty retreat to an out-of-the way motel where they could lay low until the next day. That night they caught the six o’clock news. The top story was about this unidentified man in a dark blue suit and red tie who had thwarted a hijacking. Somehow he managed to escape into the terminal before they could find out who he was.

Seven men turned up at the TV station that night in blue suits and red ties claiming to be the hero they were looking for. Their reasons for leaving so quickly ranged from diarrhea to acute appendicitis. The only people who really knew the man’s true identity were Dr. Smith and the two fellows in the UFO who saw the same news cast. They were beginning to worry.

Sam had a lot of thinking to do. Dr. Smith had been right when he said, “ Keep a low profile.” He was lucky this time. He slipped away un-notice. So far no one had thought to find the name of the person assigned to the seat the mysterious stranger had been sitting in.

Event number two

If Sam had kept his low profile, they probably wouldn’t have had to deactivate him. But he couldn’t seem to keep it under control. The boss sent him to New York on an assignment. Sam didn’t like to go to New York. It was noisy, crowded, the people were rude, and everybody had their hand out for a tip.

Sam had finished his work and was riding the subway back to his hotel at 0200 in the morning. He was tired. Sam didn’t want to ride the subway but he had little choice. There weren’t any taxis available. They were on strike. There were only five people on the train besides Sam. A girl who looked spaced out, an old wino, and three punks. The punks had been bothering the old wino but gave up on him. He wasn’t responding to anything they did or said. They went through his pockets and found two dollars and forty cents in loose change. They divided it between them. They started in on the girl. One sat on each side of her and one stood in front of her. He was unzipping his pants. He was going to urinate all over her while the other two held her. One of them said, “Be careful you don’t get any on us.”

Sam said, “Don’t do that!”

The one standing turned around to see who said that. He still held his penis in his hand. “What was that?”

“I said don’t do that.”

“He doesn’t look very clean does he. Maybe I should wash him down.” They all agreed.

Sam said, “Not a good idea fellows.”

The two punks left the girl and came over to Sam. Sam slammed their heads together before they could sit down beside him. He slowly stood up and walked toward the third punk who was hastily returning his penis to his pants where it belonged. He started backing up. He wasn’t fast enough. Sam hit him with much more force than was necessary. A payback for all the rudeness he’d endured during the last two days. The train was coming to a stop. Sam dragged the first two punks to the door. When it opened he threw them out on the platform. He came back to get the other one and threw him on the platform with the other two. The doors closed and Sam went back to his seat and closed his eyes. He was dozing off when he heard someone say, “You know you blew our whole operation, don’t you?”

Sam opened his eyes. The wino was sitting next to the girl. Neither of them looked spaced out any more.

Sam said, “Do you want to explain that?”

We were working undercover trying to solve a chain of subway murders. We think they were the ones doing it.”

“I don’t think that fellow I hit will be doing any more killing.”

“Neither do I. I saw the way his head snapped back when you hit him. By the way, my name is Mike Fowler this is Jill Morgan.”

“Glad to meet you. I’m Sam Fletcher.”

“Well, I guess we’re finished for the night. Why don’t you come with us and we’ll have a drink?”

“Might as well. My plane doesn’t leave until tomorrow.”

“You’re not from here?”

“No, just in town long enough to take care of a little business. It’s taken care of now so I’m on my way home.”

“Where are you staying?”

“The Ritz hotel.”

The train was pulling into another station. Mike said, “Let’s get off here. They walked half a block and stopped by a parked car. Mike said, “This is our rental while we’re in town.”

They drove up to the curb in front of a plush apartment building. The doorman opened the door for them. “Hello Mr. Gibbons. Hello Mrs. Gibbons. I see you’ve been to another masquerade party.”

“Right, we won first prize for the best costume, too. Will you have this parked for us?”

“Sure thing, Mr. Gibbons.”

When they got up to their apartment they started pulling of wigs and dirty clothes, throwing them on the floor as they walked toward their separate bed rooms. “We’ll be right back, Sam. Fix yourself a drink.”

Jill came back into the living room wearing shorts and a T shirt. Sam was impressed.

Jill, noticing the look on his face said, “Quite a transformation, isn’t it? By the way, thanks for preventing that punk from hosing me down. I don’t think I could have taken that. If you hadn’t stepped in I would have blown the operation my self. We aren’t from here either. We were just helping out a friend. They’d been trying to catch these guys but they always seemed to know when someone goes undercover. We were here on business and our friend asked if we’d help him out. He was afraid they had a mole in the department so he just didn’t tell anyone he was sending us out. This time they took the bait and we were ready for them. Then you stepped in and came to our rescue.

“Are you going out again?”

“No. They probably think you were part of the setup and we were all in it together. Are cover is blown anyhow.”

“Well, I think the problem may have already been solved. I studied those three carefully. They fit a pattern. Two were followers and would do anything the head punk suggested just to stay in his good graces. Punk #1 was the ringmaster. With him dead the others will have no leader to follow. On their own, they don’t have the guts to murder anyone.“

”Do you think he’s dead?”

“Yes.”

“So do I. Here comes Mike.”

“It sure feels good to get out of that garb.”

Sam said, “You guys must be actors. Those disguises would fool anyone.”

“In our business we sometimes have to play a part. What do you do for a living Sam?”

“I program computers. Sort of dull but it pays well.”

“You don’t appear to be a stranger to violence.”

“I’ve seen my share.”

“I made a phone call a few minutes ago. They found the three people we’ve been tracking. They reprimanded us for using unnecessary force. One was dead with a broken neck and the other two were in the hospitals with serious concussions. They won’t be on the streets for quite some time. They thanked us for our help.”

They talked for about an hour then Sam yawned and said, “Well I better be going. I want to get back to the hotel and call my girl before she goes to bed.” Sam started walking toward the door.

“Why don’t you stay here tonight. You won’t find a cab, you know.”

“No problem. I’ll walk.”

“Walking around the streets of New York after midnight is pretty dangerous.”

“I’ll take my chances. Good night and thanks for the ginger ale.”

Jill said, “I feel sorry for him.”

“You feel sorry for Sam?”

“No, no. I mean any guy who tries to mug him before he gets to the hotel.

“I’d like to know more about a stranger who can throw a 12 inch punch and break the neck of a 200 pound gorilla. I was hoping we could recruit him.”

“I guess we can’t. He probably belongs to someone else. We sure don’t want to step on the wrong toes. The fellows up in the UFO were really getting worried now.

Event number three

Sam was glad to be home. He had the feeling those two in New York were trying to recruit him. Dr. Smith was right on the money again. He was just taking off his shoes when Marge called. “Take a shower and put on some decent clothes. We have to go to a party.”

“Why do we have to go to a party?”

“Because I said so and because Mrs. Thomas, the instructor of my art class invited us. She’s one of the upper crust in this town and this will be our only chance to meet some of the others in her social group.”

“So why do we need to meet these people. We probably have nothing in common with any of them. We’ll just stand around looking stupid trying to fit in.”

“You may be surprised. You might have a lot in common with them.”

“Ok. I’ll go. Not because I want to but because you want to. I’ll try not to make a fool of myself and embarrass you.”

“You really don’t want to go, do you?”

“I’d rather have a sharp stick in the eye. These people live in a world of their own and it’s not our world. You have to be one of them to enjoy their company. I’m not saying their world is wrong, it’s just not right for us.”

Sam rang Marge’s doorbell and waited for her to come out. When she looked him up and down “You aren’t going to wear that old suit are you. The elbows are shiny and there’s a button missing on the sleeve.”

“I know but this is my most comfortable suit. It feels good.” Marge didn’t want to hassle him too much because she knew it wouldn’t take much for him to change his mind and back out

When they walked in, they handed their invitations over to the butler who promptly announced them. Everyone looked them over “Who on earth are these people?” was written all over their faces. Marge wondered if Sam wasn’t right about them after all. They acted differently when they were all painting together. Marge wondered which was the real person and which was the fake. She had the feeling that when they were all painting together, they were being themselves.

Sam found a maid with a couple ginger ales on her tray and they went mingling. Marge spotted Mrs. Van Horne and introduces her to Sam. She looked Sam up and down then said, “Is that your best suit?”

“No Mam, it’s my worst suit. I save my best one for important stuff.”

“Well!” She turned to Marge. “Your friend is the rudest man I’ve ever met.” She turned on her heel and walked away.

Marge said, “Did you have to say that?”

“What would you have said?”

“I don’t know. She was so nice in class. I wonder why she’s acting this way now.”

“This is her other world. When she’s in class, she’s in your world.”

They walked over to where an older woman was talking to pretty girl of around 25. “Why did you wear that short dress to my party?”

“Mother, there’s nothing wrong with this dress.”

“I know. It would be fine to go shopping in but not to my party.”

Sam interrupted, “Mam, if the ladies here at your party had legs like your daughter, they’d all be wearing dresses like that.”

It got very quiet for a moment or two then the mother of the girl said, “Who are you?”

“I’m the ex boy friend of the lady standing next to me.”

“Ex boy friend?”

“Yes. She’s going to disown me as soon as we leave this party.”

The girl with the exposed legs said, “I’m Patty Sherwood and I’m very happy to meet you.”

“I’m Sam Fletcher and this is my friend Marge.”

“Yes, I know Marge. We paint together. I was the one who made sure you two were invited. Marge has a lot of talent you know.”

“She never ceases to amaze me. It seems like every month or so she comes up with a new talent.”

“Don’t go away. I’ll talk to you later. I see someone I have to talk to. Thanks for sticking up for me Sam. Bye for now.”

Sam said, “Now I like that gal.”

“Yeah, she’s nice. That’s the way she is all the time, too. She doesn’t seem to belong with this crowd.”

”Actually she’s the only one who really belongs. She’s rich and has always been rich. She just takes it for granted. She’s just being her natural rich self. Many of the others here are trying to be something better than they actually are. Since they can’t better themselves they try to put the rest of us down by finding fault with us. Don’t get me wrong, not all of them here are like that. But the ones who are, stand out like a sore thumb. Like Mrs. Van Horne.”

As they walked away Marge said, “So far you’ve made three enemies and one friend and you’ve only been here thirty minutes.”

“Well you‘d better keep counting, I’m about to make it four.” Sam started walking rapidly toward a big fellow who was unmercifully chewing out one of the maids. She was just standing there with tears running down her face not saying a word. Patty, the girl with the legs, was tugging at his arm. “Carl come on. Leave her alone. The reason she spilled it was because you bumped her arm.” Carl continued to rant.

Sam didn’t speak loud but his voice carried all over the room. “Carl, are you always an asshole or is this a special occasion?” That got his attention. He turned toward Sam, the maid temporarily forgotten. “Who the hell are you?” Patty was consoling the maid and at the same time, quietly moving her back out of Carl’s sight.

“My name is Samuel Fletcher. My friends call me Sam. You may call me Samuel. I don’t like the way you were treating that young lady.”

“What business is it of yours?”

“None really, I just thought we should get you back to the zoo before your keeper misses you.”

Carl drew back his fist preparing to knock Sam into the next county. Carl was close to six foot five and probably topped 300 pounds. The tux didn’t hide the fact that he looked like a gorilla.

Marge said, “Don’t hit him Sam!”

Carl swung. Sam moved his head a few inches and Carl’s fist missed it’s target. So did the next four tries. Sam looked like a ballet dancer, gracefully twirling and sidestepping while Carl proceeded to make a fool of himself. His fists flew every where but contacted nothing. Finally he gave up. He bellowed like a bull, and stomped out of the room. Things were quite for a moment then people turned to their partners and the mingling continued as if nothing had happened. Sam and Marge walked over to the side of the room. Marge wanted them to be invisible for a while.

“That was Patty’s brother, you know. She talked about him once when we were in art class. Said he was a pro football player who only lasted two weeks. Injured a knee and got cut before the first game. He’s been bitter every since and takes it out on everyone he meets. I didn’t want you to hit him and break anything. Not for his sake but for Patty’s sake. She worries about him a lot. I like her and I don’t want her to be hurt.”

“I knew you had a good reason or you wouldn’t have said anything. I’ve sure messed up your party, haven’t I. I’m sorry. I’ll behave for the rest of the evening.”

“Don’t worry about it. After talking to a few of the people here I’m really sorry we came. Are you ready to go home”

“I am if you are.”

“Let’s go get a hamburger and talk. I have a lot to tell you.”

The fellows up in the UFO had to talk too. Something had to be done about Sam. Soon. They should have done it right then.

The Final Event

When Sam stopped two armed men attempting to rob the First National Bank, with his bare hands, that was the last straw. The problem was how to get Sam up into the UFO without the whole world seeing it happen.

The opportunity soon presented itself when Sam called Marge and asked her if she would like to go on a picnic. Sam was getting to where he’d find any excuse he could think of to be with her. She thought it was a great idea. They drove to a place way out of town Sam had once seen from the air back when he still had a flyable airplane. There was a secluded spot of green grass beside a rippling stream. Sam had marked the location on a sectional chart so he hda no trouble finding it. They could drive within a couple hundred feet of the place and walk the rest of the way in. They had a wonderful day. They talked and even hugged a little. That surprised Marge because he’d never done that before. It also pleased her. They were sitting there by the dying fire waiting for one of them to say, “I guess we better go home before it gets dark. Marge saw something standing a few feet away she was sure hadn’t been there just before she dozed off. She said, “Look Sam!”

There stood a small creature with two enormous almond shaped eyes. Sam stood up and put his arm around Marge’s shoulders to comfort her. Actually it was to comfort himself as well. Sam said, “Where did you come from?”

“In just a few minutes I’ll show you but first let me introduce myself. Since humans are not physically capable of properly pronouncing the names of people from my planet, you may call me Harry. And you of course are Sam and Marge.” An statement came over Harry’s face that, on his planet ,would have been recognized as a friendly smile. Marge and Sam didn’t interpret it that way. In fact, it scared hell out of them.

Marge leaned over and while trying to keep a smile on her face whispered into Sam’s ear, His lips don’t move when he talks.” Sam whispered back, “I noticed that.”

Harry said, “You are absolutely correct. My lips do not move because we are communicating through mental telepathy. Although I can hear and understand you perfectly it is not necessary for you to speak in order for me to communicate with you. If it makes you feel more comfortable to do so, please do.” Harry again turned on his best smile. Marge and Sam shivered.

Harry continued, “I can see that you have been wondering how you suddenly acquired your amazing talents. You will soon find out but first we must go to my home away from home as you Americans would say.” He walked over and grasped each of them by the hand. It wasn’t as horrifying as one might think. In fact it was a rather pleasant sensation. Sam thought, “You know, I think I’m beginning to like this guy.” Upon hearing this, Harry grinned again and this time Sam didn’t shiver. Harry looked up at the sky and said, “Beam us up Scotty!” He’d always wanted to say that. There was a sudden flash of very bright light.

When they could finally see again, they found themselves in a room that resembled something out of Star Wars. Harry said, “Sorry about that. I should have warned you about the light. This is our first abduction. Actually this is the first abduction in almost 2000 years. You people think we bring people up here, mutilate them then send them back to earth where they eventually have a nervous breakdown. Quite the contrary. We sent them back in better shape than before we abducted them. Take Cleopatra. She was flat chested, had pimples, a butt the size of a rain barrel and legs like tree stumps. She was still a virgin when we got hold of her. Couldn’t get a date, you know. When we finished with her she was a work of art. Looked a lot like Liz Taylor. I’m being impolite. I’d like you to meet my partner. You can call him Jerry.” Jerry looked like the serious type. Never smiled.

Jerry said, “Have a seat. We have business to discuss.” Sam got the impression that Jerry was a man of few words. Maybe Alien of few words would be a better way to put it. During all this, Marge had been very quite. Just standing there with her mouth half open. They sat down. The chairs were a little small but they weren’t really all that uncomfortable. Furniture one would expect to find in a day care center. Jerry was about to speak again but Harry put a stop to it by throwing a mental dart at him that translated to, “Shut up Jerry, I’ll do the talking.”

“Sam, you don’t know it but you’ve been here before. Do you remember the plane crash by the bridge?” Sam nodded. “You didn’t hit a part of the bridge as you thought. You hit us. We were on the other side of the bridge where we shouldn’t have been. You were a real mess. We felt guilty so we brought you in and gave you an overhaul. We did too good of a job.” Sam looked at his feet. Harry said, “Oh yeah, we goofed on that.” Marge said, “What’s he talking about?” Sam took off his right shoe and showed her a flat foot with six toes. Marge gasped and went silent. Marge thought, “I don’t think I could marry a man with six toes.” Harry thought back, “Don’t worry, we’ll fix it.” Marge blushed.

“Sam, we’re going to put you back to normal. I don’t mean as you were before, I mean normal. You were pretty much a mess before you had the accident you know.” Sam nodded again. “We’re going to let you keep the teeth and the enhanced facial features but cut back a little on the strength and reflexes. Oh yeah, we’ll fix the feet too. Jerry wants to give you a memory wipe but I’m against it. He thinks you’ll blab everything to the news media and we’ll be in more hot water than we are already. I believe you two are smart enough to keep your mouths shut. Besides, who would believe you anyway? You’d end up the laughing stock of the office. Can you imagine what Jimmy Faulkner would do with that?” Sam shuddered just thinking about it.

“I see you understand. Anyhow, I convinced Jerry to let you go back without a memory wipe on one condition; if you cause any problems, we’ll bring you back and put you back like you were before the accident.” This time Sam really shuddered. You two are nice kids. The memory of this will keep you together for ever because it’ll be something the two of you can share with each other throughout your marriage.

Instead of being depressed about losing his super powers, Sam was elated. This was the solution to all his problems.

Jerry said, “Come with us we want to show you something.” They followed Harry and Jerry into a small room with a large picture window. They walked over to the window and looked. There in the distance was the large blue marble they called home. The view was enhanced by the faint smell of flowers. As Marge and Sam drifted off into unconsciousness they wondered how they could smell the flowers this far away from earth.

When they awoke they were laying side by side on a large soft matt. Sam woke up first. He said, “What’s going on?”

Harry said, “The operation is over and it was a total success. Look at your feet. He did, and wiggled his five toes. Then he looked at Marge. “What did you do to her?”

“Nothing, we just put her to sleep so she wouldn’t be worrying about you while the operation was taking place. You’re both ready to go back home now.” Marge started to stir. She sat up, stretched, yawned, and said, I must have fallen asleep. Sam raised his foot, wiggled his toes and said, “Hey look at this!” A look of understanding started to spread over her face.

Harry said, “You’re going home now.” and smiled. It didn’t seem as grotesque this time. They were beginning to get used to it. Jerry, the man of few words, said, “We’ll be keeping an eye on you, you know.” Sam said, “I’ve been wondering about how you did that. Do you use your telepathy?”

“In a way, Come, We’ll show you.” Harry led them into a room that resembled the control room of a TV studio. Harry sat down at a console and put on a small helmet. Sam chuckled. Harry looked like the space alien in the Flintstone cartoon. Harry looked around and said, “That’s not funny.” This time he didn’t smile. Sam said, “Oops, I’d better watch what I’m thinking.”

Harry started his lecture, “I won’t go into the technical details, but this helmet senses my brain waves, sends them to the electronic equipment in this room and amplifies them. The equipment does most of the work. We just supply the stimulant. We can focus our thoughts on anyone anywhere, project what we see in the screen, and store it in our memory banks. Watch.” Harry’s hands flew over the console so fast it was almost impossible to see. Sam thought Harry would be great at the three half shells and the pea scam. Suddenly Sam was back in the airplane reliving the hijacking. Marge watched the whole show with her mouth half open. She was doing a lot of that lately. She said, “Was that you? I saw it on the news but I never thought....” Harry said, “That was him alright. That was the incident that caught the attention of the people back home. They told us to get hold of you and fix you up. We were wondering how to go about it when you so conveniently decided to go on a picnic. Jerry didn’t want to show you this room but I thought it might be good for you knowing that we can keep track of your activities if we choose to do so. Don’t worry, you won’t have to look over your shoulder every five seconds to see if we’re watching. The only time we’ll look in on you is when you’re with a group of people. Your private life will still be private. A word of warning. Don’t try any more heroics. You don’t have the right stuff anymore.

Well, it’s time to go now. If you ever decide you’d like to stop in for a visit, you and your wife have another picnic and we’ll drop down and say hello.” Jerry said, “I’ll second that.” and smiled. Jerry wasn’t really a bad guy. He just didn’t like the climate on Jupiter.

While Harry was maneuvering them over to the circle in the middle of the room, Sam suddenly remembered what Harry had just said. “Hey, Marge and I aren’t married.”

“No but you soon will be. Don’t forget to close your eyes this time..” Pop, a flash of light, the smell of ozone, and they were standing in front of the campfire again.

Marge said, “Did that really happen or did we have a bad dream?” Sam looked at his foot, wiggled his five toes, and said, “No, it really happened. Now that I’m back to normal again I’d like to ask you a question?”

“If you’re going to ask me to marry you, the answer is yes.”

“Thank you. I’ve been wanting to ask you that for a couple weeks now but I’m still trying to get over my shyness.”

“I know. That’s why I answered you before you lost your nerve and put if off for another couple weeks.”

“Let’s get back to town and start making plans.”

“Ok by me.”

Harry said to Jerry, “You know, I really like those two.”

“Me to. You know I didn’t completely deactivate him. If we need to use him in an emergency, I can have him back to super normal in just a few minutes.”

“Good. We might use him again sometime.”

“That’s what I was thinking, too.”

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