Summary: Tragedy brings twelve-year-old Rachel back home to her father, and Mark hopes that things will go back to the way they were in the old days. But it’s not as easy as it seems. Part 4 in series.
Author’s Notes: Spoilers from Piece of Mind onward.
Disclaimer: The characters you’ve seen before are not mine. The end.
Feedback: I’m not a doctor, I’m not a lawyer, and I don’t have the time to pretend to be. I’m just a lowly high school student with very little free time on her hands. But if you have comments unrelated to those two areas, please tell me. I’d really love to hear what you think. I’m down on my knees begging!! Just send all comments and criticism to greeneblob707@yahoo.com with the title of the fanfic as the subject.
Christmas came and went for Rachel in a blur. She opened her presents as she always had in years past. She knew it was Christmas, but it didn’t seem real to her. The hard reality of her situation was finally beginning to sink in. She now knew what “forever” felt like, and she knew that she would be forever separated from her mother.
Mark and Elizabeth watched on closely. She seemed to enjoy her Christmas much more than they expected. She was still cold to them at times, and there were moments when she seemed removed from everything around her, but she seemed to be getting used to the fact that this was where she belonged at the moment. Or so they thought.
Two days later, Rachel sat in her room listening to the new CD she had gotten for Christmas, wearing out the batteries of her new walkman for no apparent reason. Today was the day of her mother’s funeral, and she wanted to drown out the outside world. She didn’t hear her father calling from downstairs. She was lost in her own little world.
When Mark finally got her attention (by nearly pounding down the door), she followed him wordlessly to the car, their silent procession on this all too solemn day. She marched to the beat of the sad music in her own heart, playing the saddest tune she had ever heard. Outside, the weather was typical of the winter. It was cold, of course, and the wind made the temperature feel as if it had dropped several degrees. Despite all this, the sun shone brightly on the winter day, giving them all a rather surreal feeling. Rachel got chills down her spine walking to the car. Her lips chattered and nearly turned purple, and she hugged herself, trying to chase the cold away. It didn’t work.
Rachel stared out the window, watching the bare, lonely trees zip past her in a blur. It made her dizzy, but she didn’t stop. Her eyes tried to focus on each as they passed quickly by, but when she developed a headache, she decided it was better to let them blend in together. They were all just trees, just trees, she said. Yet this game she was playing, it was important to her. She wanted to see each tree, feel its sadness, its loneliness. She knew what those trees felt like, out in the bitter winter cold.
Mark, Elizabeth, Rachel, and Ryan finally arrived at the church. Rachel silently climbed out of the car, once again shocked by the air that hit her face cruelly. Her goal for the day had been not to cry, not to let anyone see just what was inside of her. It was too ugly for anyone to see. Now, she thought, she wouldn’t have to worry about anyone seeing her tears. They would only turn to ice anyway.
Mark stood at Jennifer’s memorial site, hands in his pockets, eyes focused on nothing in particular. He had somehow found himself alone, and he did not fight the silence around him. Jen’s body was not in that ground. Craig had shipped it back to St. Louis to be buried there, where another memorial service would take place for the friends closer to home.
Mark barely noticed when Elizabeth crept next to him. She watched him for a while, wondering what he felt, what he was thinking. She gently placed her hand on his shoulder. He turned his head slowly to face hers, not startled, not scared. He seemed detached, Elizabeth thought, looking into his eyes. Where was he today?
“I’m sorry-“ Mark began to say.
“Sshh,” Elizabeth responded quietly. She leaned over and planted her lips on his cold cheek, saying all that needed to be said. Mark took the bundled up Ryan in his arms, holding him tight. Elizabeth placed her arm around Mark’s waste, and they stood there in the cold, somehow not feeling it much at all. Jen was his ex-wife, he had loved her once. Jen was the mother of his child, there was some good in that. It was enough to make Elizabeth feel some sympathy. The three of them stood there for quite some time, needing no words, just their selves and their souls.
They arrived home later that day, still in silence, still deep in thought. Rachel immediately headed to her room. She had succeeded in keeping her tears inside, but she was on the verge of breaking down, and she preferred to be alone.
The mail awaited them when they opened the door. Not thinking much of it, Mark threw it on the kitchen counter and began to fix some sort of meal for himself. They hadn’t eaten since breakfast, and if they had listened carefully, they probably would have heard their stomachs growling in all that silence.
Elizabeth, however, after lying Ryan down, went about the normal business and opened the mail, sorting through the bills and the junk that came with it. She curiously began to open an envelope from an address she didn’t recognize and which appeared to be handwritten. After scanning the page, she quietly called, “Mark? I think you might want to read this.”
Over her shoulder, he began to quickly read the contents of the letter, his eyes getting wider as he read on. “He’s going to adopt her?” he asked, looking to Elizabeth.
She didn’t know how to respond. “I’m sorry,” she said. “You can still fight this, you know. You are her father.”
Mark took his glasses off and wearily rubbed his eyes. After replacing them on the bridge of his nose, he seemed to gain strength. “Oh, I will,” he replied with quiet resolve. “Believe me, I will.”
Rachel, up in her room, had replaced the walkman on her ears and had retreated again to her lonely world. She had talked with Craig today. He had asked if she would like him to adopt her. This created another burden for her now, one that she would rather have avoided. It was too difficult a decision for her to make alone. She didn’t want to think about it. She loved her dad; she liked Craig. If she let Craig adopt her, she would be able to stay at her old school and meet her old friends again. Her life would quickly be back to normal. If she stayed here, she’d get to be with her real family, but she wouldn’t know anyone. She’d go to school as the new girl and whatever stigma came along with it.
She sighed, distressed, knowing things wouldn’t be the same either way. She couldn’t go back to the old days when she was just a kid and had simple decisions to make. She didn’t feel like a kid anymore. She knew that twelve was not exactly old in anyone’s eyes, but she felt as if she had gained years of age just over this Christmas vacation. If this was growing up, she didn’t think she ever wanted to get old.
Rachel plopped onto her bed and pushed all the thoughts she had out of her mind. If she just didn’t face them, maybe they would go away. She wanted someone else to make her decision for her. She knew, of course, that her problems would never go away. But she continued to push them out, avoid them. She listened to the music blasting into her ears, blasting away her problems. No one could get to her if only she didn’t hear them.
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4Part 6