march12th2001

   Today is my birthday. Forty-one years ago I was put on this earth, though, I have always wondered, if it was an act of love, or an act of abuse.
     Only two people know the truth behind this one, one has died and the other remains silent within her own world. I live in a make-believe world that it was through love and not hate, but I am also doubtful.
     Today I also realized that I must stop this wave of thinking. All my life I have hidden behind this dysfuctional pattern of thought that 'my parents made me who I am' that it just doesn't work anymore. So what if they didn't give me the tools be financially successful (words are more richer), to be a philathropist like Bill Gates ( I like my volunteerism very much), or to have a middle-class position in society (I have walked many roads).
     It is not the position in society that makes me, me. It is me and what I make of it. When I turned eighteen, I became the adult, if I slipped into an age of kidness, it is because I missed my youth, and childhood. But I also discovered through unconditional friends, I can be on the lowest scale of society, and I can still hold my head high, smile, and act out my youth. It is all in the manner of maturity of how I do it.
     That is, if I do it which is socially acceptable, which does not include lude acts of drunkedness, but rather solos of sobriety. And that is the same as drinking in moderation. How my eyes have been opened up since I have cut down. I see me through other people. Just the other day, a man was intoxicated and slipping on the streets of Montréal, and I saw what I must have looked like.
     I am really looking forward to March 21st, my Orientation Day. My body is telling me thank-you by giving me the big D. It is eliminating all my years of abuse, emptying my flesh of tomb to fill with a flood of cumulus clouds, bursting one by one with a liquid of peace and harmony and truthfulness.
     It is not an easy road to go down on. Tempation is on every corner. Smoking a cigarette. Guzzling a beer.   I remember the inhaling of the smoke into my hungry lungs and I remember the taste of the ale on the back of my throat and I saw the bank. And then that was it. And now, today, that was.
     In order to change, I must become disciplined. Don't I remember anything they taught me in the cadets. That was my mother and father. The place where I learned to public speak, to write, to be sharply dressed, to hold my head high. I replaced an abuse with a discipline. It is also where I learned to drink like an Irishman that I am. And hold me liqour, I could. Hehehehe.
     So starting today, I am going to embark on the road of sobriety and see what else in life I have missed.
     Thank-you JAP for the delicious birthday supper tonight.