march15th2001

   Today I felt important, actually not today, but this evening. Everyone that has been important in my life for the past three years had gathered into the same room to throw me a surprise birthday party, all orchastrated by S. Emotions were very high this evening, because I have been going through a metaphysics of myself and my body and mind are fighting.
     I believe that for a change I must be selfish in my life and look within and heal the damage before I can continue on this road. The fork in the road has arrived and there will be many decisional fork roads over the next few months. It is a journey that I dread, but at the same time, wanting. The challenge has finally been laid down at me feet, and I must pack my knapsack and put on my hiking boots and start walking.
     And on this road, I will search and question and debate and toss aside, and I will laugh and cry and argue and withdraw, and I will rise to the occassion and fall to the obsession, and I will fight and hate and love and shake hands. And then I will come home, a humble man.
     Over the past few months, I have had my teeth disappear professionally. Perhaps there is a logically reason behind this, Mr. Spock will say. Logic, yes. Babies are born with no teeth. They have character and personality, but they cannot verbalize it intelligently with their palates and tongue until they are shown how. This is my new road. To start off like a baby again. A Twice in a Lifetime start, except I have more than three days. I must be one of the luckiest men in the world because I have angels walking beside me in human form. Plus I have the celesstial spirits (whatever we perceive them to be) surrounding me.
     It is my responsibility to forgo on this trip and to follow whatever the road has outlined for me. The most important thing is that I have people who are surrounding me with thier unconditional support and love while I experience this new journey. And when I feel alone, I will think of them. I will be taking their circle of energy with me over the next few months. But I also know is that I will be watched and scrutinized no matter how long this journey is.
     Then it dawned on me, all of us are always being watched and scrutinized by others, its humankind. Whether it is at work, at a social function, amongst friends, or amongst strangers, we are always being analyzed, judged, characterized, and catorgarized from the beginning of adulthood. So I won't be embarking on this trip for them, except forthe fact that it will enrich our frindships, but I will be doing it for me to enrich my spirit and reach the level of function that I desire.
     I have clensed my temple and am ready to fill it with a new cup of life. And to everyone who shared tonight with me at S's home, my heart is big enough for you all, my love never ceases, I looked around tonight and saw a train massage of friendships, each link clanging a different story, a different life, a mosaique of people brought together through compassion for each other. I would be crazy to continue behaving the way that I have the past few months and risking this. What we all share with our bonds of friendship is the diversity of the world, the Trudeau dream of Canadians where no matter what our nationality, our sexuality, our politics, our religion, we can sit in a cozy room and interact intelligently and lovingly.
     I would love to live to be fifty (older perhaps) but I will take each day as I get it, if they are going to be like today, where a man with no teeth can feel important with just the richness of friends that came out tonight.
     No matter how much time I have, I now realize a little, that I have to work on bringing a harmonization to my life so that my sense of humour will deepen and my anger will subside. I must live with the past/present/future and that I would like people to celebrate my death with a party than having no one standing beside the gravesite. The ending of an Edgar Allen Poe biography I will not become. I will strive on becoming the person I really want to be.
     To all my Angels In Disguise, human form and celestial, thank-you for being there tonight and re-teaching me what humbleness is really all about.