march5th2001

    Mark Twain wrote: If you tell the truth than you don't have to remember anything. I have to respond and say, when I tell the truth, it's because I have remembered. Langston Huges was given an English assignment in college titled: Theme for English B, where he was to go home and "write a paper [that] night. And let that page come out of you. -- The[n] it shall be true."
     The purpose of ths specific piece of writing today is to --inform, convince, explain, believe -- why I have finally decided to -- attempt and achieve -- a therapy program, for myself, as I embark into the 21st century, at the last week of being forty years old.
     And here I am again, a week before my birthday, and deciding to start another year of journal writing. How long will I keep it up this time -- everyday? Skipping some days? Or once a week? -- a decision that I cannot even commit myself to at this point in time.
     So how can I commit myself to such a drastic (draconian) decision as isolating myself from friends, that have supported me in the past, for six weeks while I embark on an ideology that I will fix or have a solution of extricating my demons of nightmares.
     It's because I live with these nightmares everyday. And I know that my friends know of my nightmares. But that is not enough. Even though I love my friends for the support that they have unconditionally given to me throughout the years, I cannot always rely on their support, even though they ask me.
     It is time that I quite hiding behind the "skirts and pants" of friends and dealt with the psychological problems that have haunted me since childhood. It is also time that I face the truth, that even though Winnie the Pooh is in my heart, I cannot hide behind childhood innocence anymore. I have to accept the fact that my innocence was broken long ago, and I have been searching for a solace in a dream that could erase all these memories so that I could remain whole.
     It is time to face adulthood that my parents professed would happen to me when I was concieved, yet was delayed at the age of eighteen, when I tried to re-live a childhood that had escaped me.
     To give up my security blanket of Winnie the Pooh would put Linus away in the sanatorium if his blanket was suddenly yanked away from the bottom of his feet. I need to face the psychological problems that have invaded my life and have taken control. It is almost the X-Files of Gregg Rowe. What makes him tick? What makes him going and going and going like the Ever-Ready Rabbit.
      So now I give you the answer to the $64,000 Question...why would, after all these years, have I decided to go through an intensive program therapy that would make me think twice of having a social drink with friends at a evening of gambling and a joint being passed around.
     No matter how many social evenings I attend, no matter how much support that I receive from my friends; I must face the facts that even though they are my best friends; they cannot solve my most personal problems, even though they are there for me. It is not the fault of their own. It is the fault of society. Society has placed them in responsibility of being substitutes for family.
     I think this is where I faultered. I used my friends. And I continue to use my friends to make them feel sorry for me. When they shouldn't feel sorry for me at all.
     It is a question of depending where I replaced one dependency for another. My depending should be the dependancy to be an individual and remain intack. But I have not done that. I have remained the victim within a victim. "Look at me and see what I can do to me to allow me to remain in this situation."