My Little Diary...

[September 25th, 2001]

Man, I just check my last entry, and it's like: January! It's been over half a year, so much have changed, so so much, too much... I have since transfered from Nashville back to Vancouver in Canada. I am now living with my sister and grandma. I am taking one course at this Kwantlen University with a part time job at a cellphone place as a salesman. Wow you might say, and I would say wow back to you. I have since: 1) gone through a couple of unsuccessful relationships... 2) lost my skills in any sports... 3) lost my confidence in things in general... 4) quit drinking... I think that last one is a must in order for me to get a better life. Before I didn't notice, but drinking is really bad for you. And as for me, I can't really control myself from drinking too much. And I am only 22 now, but I have "blacked out" for more than 10 times. That's like from I was 16 to 22, 6 years! I have at least quit until I am back in Hong Kong, and maybe forever, but I doubt it. In a "Men's" world, not being able to drink is a sign of weakness. And for sure, I don't want to have a weakness, but I also don't want to die for kidney failure, so we will just have to see what happens. But yeah, I am still single, still bored all the time, and basically, the same as before. I had some "long" chat with my sister and mom about my future. Damn, I need at least like 3 more years to finish school! That such a long time. They both think I need to see a shreek becuz I don't tell anyone anything. And I was like, hell no. Not that I am scared, but I know what I am doing and I know I don't need to see anyone about it. But living with my family again is hard. I have been in boarding school for the past 9 years, and I am so used to living by myself that I don't know how to live with my family anymore. Well, time to learn again. My heart goes to my special girl who is going to UK to study for what seems an eternty to me(4 years). I wish you well and please be safe. I problem I will write more often in this diary from now on, so all the people... Holla!

[January 16th, 2001]

So yeah, I have been lying. I still haven't posted up any new pictures yet, but I will shortly, I hope. The christmas holiday has been, unique. Could you believe that I only went clubing ONCE during the whole christmas? And one of my friends got drunk that night and I have to take care of her. The rest of the time I spent time with my family. Since the break been over, I have been busy the school work and mostly ASA stuff. Counting the days til Spring Break...

[December 8th, 2000]

I know I know, it has been awhile, but I have been busy with school work. Now you can't really be mad at me about that right? The break in Vancouver was pretty good, eventhough my parents were there. My friends from Vanderbilt and I didn't go out clubing until the last night, and of course, I got drunk again. I need to control that. Since the break, school has been hell. Tests after tests. And of course I have this Asian New Year thingy for Asian-American Student Association which I have to take care of. So much to do, so little time. I was at a Man@Work Auction the other night, got sold for $21 to make dinner for one night. I was pretty happy about the fact that somebody actually bought me. Tons of new and old pictures will be posted up this next few days, check often if you want to see them...

[November 17th, 2000]

Thankgiving break, I will be back in a week's time. Try not to miss me too much ok? :P

[November 14th, 2000]

Wow, I almost forgot that I have this diary! I have been so busy the past few weeks: tests after tests. Last Friday I even helped organized a multicultural semi-formal dance. It was kinda hactic in the beginning, for the DJ wasn't even there until an hour and a half into the dance. If I was a little bit less controlled, I would have killed him when he got there. What else happened...??? Oh, I have been having problems with my grades, and my parents are worried if I can even make it thru this semester. Seriously, I am thankful for them to care for me and stuff, but I have been kinda away from them ever since I have been in boarding school (grade 8) that now I don't feel comfortable with them dealing with my academics. It's like way back when I was in elementary school in HK allover again. Back then, I used to get in trouble with my grades alot, and my mom would have to see my teachers. Yet I still end up top 15% of my class every year. I hate to be dependent to my parents, and now with this mess I have created, they will be on my tail whenever they get a chance to. How I hate my laziness which causes all this... btw, November 10th was the 21st birthday of my very special close friend in Hong Kong, I wish her the best on her birthday...

[October 23rd, 2000]

I don't feel appreciated at all. People don't like whatever decision you make for a group, eventhough that's your job. People don't like it when you help them on things they are responsible for cuz they don't want to be "babysitted". People don't like it when you take the time in you busy schedule to give them a call. People takes a job for grated and quit it without talking to those who help them get the job at the first place. People who are informed to sign up for something for 3 whole weeks, yet think "best thing comes last" is the way to go when signning up for a trip or a job. You know, from now on, to those people out there who don't appreciated me, I am gonna point a finger at them. "... not the index or pinky, not the ring or the thumb, it's the one you put out, when you don't give a f@#*, and you just won't put up..." And those of you that do, I just love and appreciate you that much more...

[October 12th, 2000]

Why am I writing my diary now when I should be doing my Physic's formal lab report? Ah...cuz I am lazy? Yup, I think that's the word. I have this sign in front of me which reads "U KNOW IT STOP!" which I just put up. It's suppose to make me work, but just let me be lazy for the last time. I mean, it's only 5:45am, I still have 3 hours before the first class. Hell week is almost over, I thought I would be over today since I had all my midterms done by Wednesday, but one of them is actually on Friday, so... If I haven't told you, let me repeat this: Spicy Korean Noodles with Yellow Cheese is awesome! Some people were surprised that I would write things that are consider "deep" in this diary. I mean, I am usually quite a party person with no worries, but come on, you must think that I must use that chunk of meat between my ears for some "deep" thoughts sometimes right? I'm out like that "Got Clinton" joke...

[October 9th, 2000]

I have been eating like a pig lately: either two packs of hot, spicy korean noodles, or 2 cups of rice before I head to bed. I wonder will I ever get a belly. Oh yeah, the weekend. Same as before, I got drunk, yet this weekend was different. Went to a house party where there are more non-asians than asians. I haven't done that since high school. Felt, out of place. Anyhow, I still find my little circle of friends, and drank. But at the end, I was left alone with about 10 people left in the party. While they were chating, I found myself not knowing what to do. I went to the dance room, and started dancing by myself. Feeling stupid after about 5 mins, I left the place. I have lost my touch with talking to non-asians. Actually I lost that way back in grade 10. Yet now when I try to hold a conversation with them, I feel so naked. Maybe it's just my imagination, or I was just really drunk.

[October 6th, 2000]

Damn, when I first started this diary thing, I thought that I might write like maybe once a month or something like that, but it's already my fourth entre! Anyways here is my song at the moment: Fly me to the Moon by Utada Hikaru. I just love the lyrics, if a girl really writes me a song like that, I would do ANYTHING for her and ANYTHING to keep her happy, no joke. Here are the lyrics:

"Poets often use many words to say a simple thing,
but it takes thought and time and rhyme to make a poet sing.
With music and words I'll be playing
for you I have written a song.
To be sure that you'll know what I am saying
I'll translate as I go along"
(yeah oh yeah)
"Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars
Won't you let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars"
In other words, hold my hand.
In other words, darling kiss me.
"Fill my heart with song and let me sing forever more
'cause you are all I long for all I worship and adore"
In other words, please be true.
In other words, I love you.

Now, if someone can tell me that if a girl writes him a song like that, that he wouldn't do everything for the girl, then that guy has to be lying. And yeah, what's up with this age thing with relationship? I mean, does it really matter? This girl was trying to tell me that one of the reasons that me and her won't work out is because I am 2 yrs younger than she is. So?! I've known couples who are 11 yrs apart! Well, I am not concern about having a relationship now. At least I am not gonna force anything to happen. Sometimes, there are just so much pressure to have a relationship, to have a somebody by your side. I mean, that would be really nice. But does it really have to cost your pride, energy, and most importantly, time? And only to find out that this somebody only wants to be a "friend". I am tired of that crap... anyway, if you care, my pink eye is healed. Thanks be to God.

[October 4th, 2000]

So yeah, I have been thinking about this for quite some time now. Love and relationship. What's the link between them? I guess if someone is in love, then there must be a relationship between them, yet is there love in every relationship? I know some guys could have more than one relationship at one time, but could someone have more than one "loving" relationship at one time? If a guy is in love with someone who is not at the same location as he, should he seek other relationship? And should those relationships have love in them, or is it to have relationship just for the sake of having one? And if someone has more than one "loving" relationship, is he then considered a pimp? Speaking of which, my brother Joseph is 23 today... happy birthday bro, and keep up the pimping ok? hee...

[October 1st, 2000]

Another weekend in the life of Ivan Wan: Drunk, drunk, drunk! Rafting trip was great, met alot of new friends, and drank a whole lot. The next morning I was still drunk, and at the beginning of rafting I was using so much energy that by the end I couldn't even lift up the paddle. Embarassing moments included sleeping in the "wrong" sleeping bag and yelling out "Shotgun!" the whole night. All in all, it was a great trip. BUT... I got pink eye for some unknown reason... must see doctor tomorrow... AH!

[September 29th, 2000]

My first entre, actually my very first entre for a diary. Cool. Well, it's actually kinda bad. Cuz this entre is gonna talk about my past 2 weeks, which wasn't all that good. Talk about a changing world, for the past 2 weeks, I have been used by two girls for making out (3rd base). And if that isn't bad enough, one of them told one of my friend afterward that she actually likes him! Man, I never thought that the feeling of being used for this kind of things would be bad for a man, but I really did feel bad afterward. Then I got rejected by two girls. Nothing new there, I am kinda used to the fact that going after girls ain't my thing. But then my password for e-mail and icq got stolen! By some a-hole from Turkey!!! I got them back, but it took me forever. Then people I work with on this rafting trip all just stop being useful and started sitting on their ass and like,"what? that's my job?" Sometimes I just want to start a fight with somebody at school, just to let all this anger out. Anyway, all that's in the past now. I got a rafting trip to go to today (yeah!). Actually, Wednesday was alright, cuz I get to go and watch a musical, Les Mis. It was really good, and the girl I went with really like it too. So I was happy. What's with a girl not liking a guy, who's only concern is to make sure the girl he is with is happy, ah? Damn...

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