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God's Last Words
It may come as a shock, I should have told you earlier. but I thought it would be better to reveal full details one bit at a time.You know of the "Lost extract of Genesis" but I am yet to mention the most important book in the real* bible (incidentally, only written 20 years ago by an ancestor of the original writer), the Book of MIKE.
*Guru Al'sdefinition of the word 'real' cannot be expected to match that of the reader. In reading this you have waved any right you may have formerly had to take any action against this lowest level of forgery. Guru Al's definition of the word 'forgery' acnnot be expected to match that of the reader.
Mike lived with Jesus Christ for two montsj in the year 20AD. They were college buddies and became quite close before Jesus was crucified. Mike's book explains what the bible never did, the truth must now be revealed.
Well, it's like this. God is kinda, sorta, in a way, you know, he's like . . . dead! That's right, it was a horrible incident that occured in the early seventies. But we have to get over it.
You may deny it if you want, but it is true. Sure there is the 'Elvis Syndrome' among his followers, some say he is still here with us. It has been suggested that he faked his death and went to live in Argentina. He has been hiding out there if you would believe such wackos as the Church of the Latter Day Saints, no wait, that's the Mormans, wrong religion. It was the Church of the Former Day Angels, or some crap like that.
I am undecided as to whether he will actually return. Time will tell. But now it must be revealed how the lord did in fact die. I will not give you another extract or even a summary as the details are very bloody.
All I will say is that God's death involved a box of matches, a large volume of alcohol, a Russian hit squad, four cheerleaders and a goldfish.All those devoted to the lord will thank me not to elaborate.
Here is however, a record of what God had to say before he finally croaked.
So now people it is time to absorb the wisdom. Take pen and paper in hand, and Read Learn and be Happy.
As he lay on his side, he dictated to Peter:
"Sorry about all the hassle, I didn't mean to be so strict. If youu want you can forget about the ninth commandment. You know, the one about "giving false testimony", lieing about the guilt/innocence of someone. hey go ahead and do it. At the time i didn't realise how much it would interfere with gossip - one of my favourite pastimes.
"The Fourth Commandment, I hereby declare is also void. You can rest on any day you want. It doesn't have to be the sabbath. Personally I like to take the day off on Wednesday.
"Scratch off number seven. If you want to sleep around that is none of my business. I can't expect you to live a completely boring life can I? This kinda runs into number ten as well, about not desiring your neighbours property, his wife, cattle, frilly coathangers, or foot spa. Knock yourself out. Greed makes everything a lot more interesting.
"Now that I think of it, Number three is so not valid! Take my name in vain if you want. God, I do it all the time!
"That's it all of them have to go. Except maybe number one. Could you still please worship me? It will be nice to know as I slip away from my life that the people on earth still consider me a GOD.
"By the way, the whole flood thing was an accident. That's the last time I leave Gabriel in charge! It was all a matter of problems with communication.
"The whole pestilence, plague, boogedy, boogedy was a bit of a joke. The story of Lot's wife being turned into a pillar of salt was just a lie to make you obey me.
"If you were wondering about the prophecies of Revelation, I can tell you here and now that John was influenced by some external forces. I don't think it is necessary to elucidate right now.
"Blow it! John was on weed, grass, you know? Yes we had it back then too. He was always into the stuff. So if you really want to know what will happen to the earth and if you seek the meaning of life, here it is.
"The meaning of life is . . . Hey! Keep your hands off my meatballs! Savage Swine!
"Sorry, where was I? Oh, yes, I was about to make my conclusion. He, he, ha, ha! Have fun! Fools, you won't be able to survive without me!
"What's this? I asked for sweet mustard! And I said no olives! Ha, ha! That's it, take that anchovy and put it firmly up your . . . What do you mean I am going insane? I will get you, ungrateful cur! How dare you, I am God!
"Won't someone please pass the zester?
"Hey, who told you, you could turn into a piece of French Toast?
"Cheque please . . ."
As you can probably see, at the end God was suffering from a fair anount of mental strain. He was not in full control of all his faculties.
But there you have his last words.
Brought to you by Guru inc. 1998© in association with United yFalminica productions©™®
Please Note:
It must be told, that Guru Al has absolutely no relation to the film actor, going by the same name, who starred in many cheap, tawdry Malaysian porn flicks. Any resemblance that this actor may have with Guru AL is purely coincidental
Thanks go to K. Baldwin for bringing this minor discrepancy to our attention. Why you watched so many Malaysian porn films is none of our business you dirty, smut-minded beast.
God's Last Words © 1998
Wear the t-shirts, drink the drinks and eat the all new Guru cookie (with wise sayings inside).
Stay tuned for the new 100 million-dollar big screen version of this brilliant work, followed by a cheap, tacky television series spin off.
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Rule yFalminica!