The newsletter of The newsletter of
Of the important news of the week, we are probably excited most about the recent success that our very own preacher Guru Al had recently with his films, And it came to Pass and the big screen version of his blockbuster best seller novel, The Lost Extract of Genesis.
The two movies took out major awards at the annual yFalminica Film Institute Awards. Each film was nominated for Fourteen awards. They tied in twelve categories.
The categories, which the two films - written, directed, produced, edited and starring Guru Al - did however win, were the following:
*Best Dodgy Special Effects (done by Agy-yFalminica United entertainment), *Best Impersonation Of A Paper Bag (Guru Al), *Best Close-Up Of Cleavage (Hummana Melonlicious, in the role of Olga Bobsalot, in And it came to Pass and Moolanda Curvytop in the role of Mary in The Lost Extract Of Genesis). Also won were: *Best Editing Which Leads the Audience To Certain Confusion (Guru AL), *Best Shaking Of The Camera (the cinematographer in both films was Anvil-Falls-On–Coyote), *Best Shot Of A Semi-Concealed Holden Statesman (Anvil-Falls-On-Coyote), *Best Gratuitous Sex Scene (Between Guru Al and Hummana Melonlicious in And it came to Pass and Guru Al and Moolanda Curvytop in The Lost Extract Of Genesis), *Best Full Frontal Nude Scene (Hummana Melonlicious and Moolanda Curvytop) and *Best Attempt At Achieving A Thrilling Climax In Which The Main Character Is Chased By A wild Animal, *Best Failure At Achieving A Thrilling Climax In Which The Main Character Is Chased By A wild Animal, *Best Performance By A Child Star Who Wants To Recapture Their Lost Fame (Macauley Culkin, Shirley Temple-Black), *Best Performance By An Incompetent Member Of The Religious Community (Guru Al in both films).
They both only lost in two categories, Best Film Useful For Propaganda, which was taken out by Commies, Commies, Commies, F#$king Commies, a film by little known director James Cameron - who recently emigrated to the yFalminican Republic to escape tax fraud allegations in his native country – and which laced the occasion with controversy, Best Film Overall. Critics tipped that one of the films would surely have taken out this award, and with proceedings of the night, it .was almost unanimously assumed that they would probably both win it. But the award was taken by a small film, Squeegee Bottom Chicken Igloo, by a director better known for his Cinematography - on such films as The Lost Extract of Genesis and And it came to Pass - Anvil-Falls-On–Coyote who is also a member of our church. The members of the institute said that ‘Squeegee’ was a brilliant portrayal of a man falling to psychosis in modern day society. The Director was quoted as saying "Eggs no what sir Siam odious peach of the day." Obviously he was quite taken aback by the evenings events.
Well, as Agy-yFalminica united entertainment sponsors this newsletter, we have to devote a page to their fun and educational merchandise of assorted games, toys and sexual equipment.
For the very best result in your schooling or professional career, we at Agy-yFalminica recommend that you purchase our high-quality aides that make the process of education and work that little bit more peachy and easy. We offer you, the student or business person, one of the aides available in our range. Please carefully select from the following.
Hey Kids, we know what you want! Doesn’t it suck when you fail a test, yeah, we know how it is. So we have for you the greatest invention ever made – Studymate ™. Studymate™ is a nifty piece of science which allows you to remember everything for a test. In the kit you will get a black pen, three pieces of paper and a totally wacky pair of scissors. All instructions are included, telling how to use this equipment in order to do well in tests.
Studymate™ is only $69.95 at selected retailers. Remember kids, it isn’t cheating if you don’t get caught.
Bosses can be total arses can’t they? Well, if this is true in your case we have a rather simple solution. Purchase Boss-Away ™ from Agy-yFalminica, it will allow you to gain confidence in your workplace without the hassle of a boss to threaten you with sacking or paycuts. Imagine being able to set your own working hours, and salary. It is easy with Boss-Away™. The kit comes with a canister of cyanide gas, a gas mask and rubber cement which is useful for sealing the cracks around doors. We guarantee that after using Boss-Away™ there will be no hassles with that bastard or bitch in the office. The greatest thing about it is that it is only $2999.95, whoa what a bargain! Go get it now in all good retailers.
Have you noticed how when you are under eighteen you are not allowed to do anything. Well now there is something The Agy-yFalminica institute is holding a cool weekend camp for anyone between the ages of 2 and 18. This camp is designed to give the modern kid their chance at fun. It is "The Colossal Roman Weekend Camp". You can learn how the romans lived, enjoy genuine roman cuisine, get to know what battle was like. Then for the real fun everyone at the camp takes part in a re-enactment of the typical proceedings in the colosseum. What fun to take on each other in battle. Cripples and maimed soldiers are supplied so that you kids can get to know the true thrill of roman colosseum combat. We have plenty of lions for authentic roman fights and who can resist the classic fun of the all in blood bath, in which only one can survive. Forget those boring summer camps, come to "The Colossal Roman Weekend Camp", held the first weekend of every month. only $699 and there are special prizes for the people who can survive to fight in the most camps. Apply at the institute, Bogus avenue, yFalminica. An extra fee applies to anyone who wants to practise using legless lepers.
This is what you need to liven up that party. It is the ultimate party game Test That Narcotic ©®™. In this brilliant game teams battle against each other to work out the drug that the opponent is under the influence of. Watch their face, smell their breath, study their vomit. Can you work out what they’re on? It supplies so much fun that you will probably forget what you are doing. The kit includes needles, syringes, rolling paper, spoon, mixing vat, test tubes, beakers and twenty samples of various substances. Extra samples can be sent away for when supply runs out. Only $499.95 available only at the institute.
News of Importance
Guru Al condemns the church of Ohcontraria
Guru Al, the noble head priest of our church, has come out in opposition to the actions taken by the church of the small island nation of Ohcontraria.
"Evil, absolutely evil, and no concern at all for human kind," he said of John Howard the Prime Minister of Australia, one of yFalminica’s allies. He then went on to comment on Ohcontraria. "If only the volcano eruption that they had on their island last year had buried them all under a kilometre of ash."
Ohcontraria yesterday announced its plan to send missionaries to another island nation, known as Kinfagl. There they would teach the Kinfagl people to live under their religion – Anglicanism.
"Why these bastards became part of this blood-obsessed orgy of evil that they call Anglicanism is beyond my reckoning," Guru Al said yesterday. "It is absolutely barbaric to force a religion on a people who have lived on their own for centuries without any contact with the outside world. Now they want to go and destroy their culture. It is immoral!"
When reminded that he himself worked as a missionary in the island nation of Hagdibnrp, where he and his team enforced New Age Christianity upon the natives, he remained defiant, claiming that his mission had different purposes.
"We went to Hagdibnrp to save the poor wretches who inhabited it. Because of their religion they were in great danger of becoming extinct. Basically they were eating each other." Guru Al then explained that cannibalism had been rampant on Hagdibnrp. "If they kept eating each other at the rate that they were then there would soon be none of them left."
Some people have disputed this. Gaston Basteau, chief Anthropologist at the Ohcontrarian University, heard what Guru Al had to say and responded immediately. "Guru AL is a hypocrite! We all know that the bones which they found on Hagdibnrp were from cows and sheep, which the Hagdibnrp people farm, and not human at all."
Guru AL had this to say. "Obviously Mr. Basteau does not know the human skeleton very well. What he said were cow horns, were obviously ah, um . . . rib bones. It is extremely, explicitly, blatantly obvious. Ribs can be sharp like that."
Well once again our preacher has shown that the people of Ohcontraria are fools who have no concept of intelligence. Afterall, they are under a communist government, what more can we expect?
We once again remind you, the parishioner, of our fundraising day. We will be selling cakes, biscuits and assorted food stuffs plus electrical appliances, furniture and nic nacs.
All money will go towards the our favourite two charities: the Fortunate Children’s Fund and the Druglord Protection League.
Secretary, Sweet Bosom
Last updated: 28/07/00