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The inexplicably inane parables and hard-to-understand ramblings of Guru Al, alternatively known as:
The Sermons
The Guinea Pig Feeds the Masses
Taken from Guru Al's sermons at the Divine Church of Fred Basset
The Guinea Pig feeds the masses
Well, dear parishioners, I don't want to stress the point but . . . What was I saying? Of course! Yes, you must never see a movie or buy merchandise that was made by the Disney corporation. We all know what that Walt Disney was like. Glug, glug, bang, bang. Yes we are not fooled by the lovely appeal of that cute little bunny who had that gay relationship with that deer in that movie. What was it called? Ah, yes, I remember now. Pulp Fiction.
Anyhoo, onto another topic. It is essential that as a New Age Christian you come to know the way and the intentions of the lord. Through a simple story I can tell you what the lord does to provide for his people.
But remember that this is just an aid to teach you. However the story is totally 'true'.
Once in the desert lived a humble man named Linus. His crops had died months before and it had been years since there had been any decent rain. In between occupying himself with his wife/cousin, he had nothing to do. The farm had failed. Now remember this is about 200BC, so he could not apply to the government for assistance. So Linus was in a spot of bother. The food that he had stored was running out. And he missed the routine of farming. It gave him something to do. His other cousins were ever more defiant to his advances. Susan said no, Rachel said no. Even Jake said no. So Linus was becoming frustrated. What could he do?
He got into his Toyota Hilux and drove down to his local. There he asked the men whether they had any ideas of how he could prosper as a farmer once more. But they too had the problems.
The men were in a deep depression and didn't know what could be done. They sat drinking their beer, unaware of a tall old man entering the pub. "Troubles?", the old man asked the men.
"Yes," Linus answered.
"I know how you can solve them."
"You do!?!"
Then the old man told Linus and the others of a farmer who had great fortunes with his crops. The farmer credited the success to the "Messiah".
"Who is this Messiah?" Linus asked.
"I am not sure, but I have a message from the farmer to gather you all in the valley."
So they all followed the old man who introduced himself as Ron. He led them across the sandy plains to a wondrous patch of green land, surrounded by a lovely picket fence.
"Shit!" Linus exclaimed.
The people sat in the valley and waited. Soon a man came out of the house that was in the centre of the green land. He stood on the verandah and held up his hands. The people applauded enthusiastically, and then noticed that he held something in his hands.
He walked to the fence and cried out to all gathered. "This is the Messiah!"
"The Messiah!" The chanted in return.
Right then a young boy of about ten grabbed the thing that the man held in his hands, which turned out to be a guinea pig. The boy had a wild, hungry gleam in his eyes. He twitched as he snatched the little furry animal, snapping its neck and devouring it whole. This was quite an odd occurrence and the people reacted as they saw fit.
The hungry crowd stirred, the licking of lips could be heard. A man next to the boy grabbed him firmly around the neck and took a bite out of his shoulder.
In turn the people turned on each other in a Cannibalistic fury. Heads rolled, kidneys burst and there was quite a big mess. The small community went mad, eating each other and in the end the town had to be nuked. Sixteen fighter jets were sent in to destroy the village. All that was left was a rather big hole.
But . . . where was I? Of course. I was about to conclude my sermon by reenforcing the idea that drugs are bad . . . if you are under eight years of age. Well that will do for today.
Go home my people.
Good morning, parishioners!
So what wisdom do I have to impart on you today? Well good question. I am not entirely, or at all, sure. You see when I started preparing this sermon, three minutes ago, as I watched you file in, I thought to myself how wonderful life is, and how without all the extra fun things we have to do today, how mundane it would all be.
Imagine you lived in the ancient world, perhaps even before they developed writing. All there was to do was beat yourself and others with rocks and experiment with rubbing two bits of wood together. Now we have
**UNDER CONSTRUCTION**
Last Updated: 24/08/00