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Guru Al's Guide
to the Zodiac
Email me or the yFalminican republic at:
gurual_hfh@yahoo.com yfalminica@hotmail.com
Well if you are that way inclined (not that there’s anything wrong with that), here is the real guide for those seeking to see what awaits them in the future.
The following guide is one which leaves out all the mystical crap that is generally associated with the Zodiac. Instead of being incessantly vague and drifting around the point rather than getting to it like they do, I will tell you exactly (more or less) what will occur in your life. You may find this guide helpful in searching for prophetic insight into the future.
Read*, learn and be happy.
Glossary*: It is more than likely that you will find several words in this document that will be totally foreign to you. Don’t worry, there is a glossary at the end of the document. All words whish appear in the glossary are marked with an asterisk.
The guide is simple to follow; it is valid from the start of this year until December 31, 2000. After that time, I will make available to you the next guide for three years.
There are, like in the well-known, false zodiac, twelve groups. They call them ‘starsigns’; I call them "Objecticons".
The 12 Object icons are:
click on one to read about it
Personality*: You are generally a wonderful and generous (not to mention sexy person with a wicked sense of humour, great fashion sense, a strange obsession with the colour turquoise and a odd sense of timing in relation to frozen chickens (think about it)! Those who are of this starsign and born in the year 1982 are especially good looking and desirable!
Characteristics/features: You will have a dog named Toby, Dog, or spot, you may or may not have a Goldfish in the near future and your hair has an amazing talent for defying gravity.
Other people’s view: Strangely drawn to you even though you take extreme pleasure in humiliating them and cutting them down from the knees with your razor-sharp wit (ie. Insulting one P.K. even though he does not realise that you are hacking on him). A truly beguiling, and disturbing, individual!
The Future: Be careful of anyone, who tries to sell you out-of-date cream products, they may be up to something. Buses painted with red and green stripes, with go-go dancers on top must be avoided at all costs. Pink (sorry, not turquoise) is your lucky colour, 34 your lucky number and the Entruscan Shrew is your lucky mammal!
Personality: Neat, extremely, irritatingly, compulsively, and frightfully neat! So neat and clean that food could be eaten off you. Simple and boring tastes in everything – clothes, food etc. Lack of any form of sense humour, tact and wit. Gross overuse of the word ‘like’ to appear ‘cooler’ than you are. Sad, sad, sad, really pathetic!
Characteristics/Features: Any use of sequins on your underwear in too much. That’s the rule, better get used to it. Another rule is, Turtle neck cardigans and flares don’t mix. Remember this. Your face resembles the underbelly of a dead rat, riddled with maggots, in that it has been savaged by millions of vicious pimples, bubbling with pus!
Other People’s View: Oh my god, kill it!!! That basically sums it up.
Future: Well, when that acne clears - lets just call it acne for now – you are in for some serious [hubba hubba, ahooga, ahooga, meow] If you get what I mean! And also you may lose your longing for milk and cookies, yes you’re finally gonna grow up. The cardigans and flares will fade into the past when you realise your true self. Your lucky colour is beige, lucky number the square root of 4761*, lucky mammal Honey Possum!
Personality: Psychotic to the extent of stabbing all meals to make sure that they are what you would expect them to be – dead, that is. You enjoy poking people with any triangular shaped object and have a bizarre craving to be acknowledged by everyone.
Characteristics/Features: Hair that resembles a deformed antelope having a seisure. Red eyes that can follow two people at once as they move around the room. You use your teeth to open tin cans and bottles, convinced that can openers are tools of the devil.
Other People’s views: Basically you scare everyone you meet. They would rather have their feet slowly dissolved in acid than cross your path!
Future: If you see a parade of circus animals marching through your kitchen, you can be sure that this is a sign of mental strain, or repressed anger (yes perhaps you have even more anger inside you than you display). Greek men named Peter or Joseph must be listened to carefully as they will tell you the important things that you will need to know. Any decision to buy a firearm could lead to a massacre of some description. You are not the best Person to have such weaponary under your control. Ash grey is your lucky colour, 0.438 is your lucky number, and Pygmy Marmoset is your lucky mammal.
Personality: Funny, generous, and always kind to everyone. Therein lies your downfall. You are far too naïve for your own good.
Characteristics/ Features: You just love to wear doilies! They seem to go well with your unique fashion style i.e. those weird straw hats and clogs.
Other People’s Views: You are easy to take advantage of. So that is what people do. If someone asks you if you can fly to the Congo and hike for three days to a mountain just so you can pick a certain flower that they like, this is what is called and ‘unreasonable favour’ to ask of someone.
Future: You will devote your life to do favours for everyone. This will lead to you dying from exhaustion, after hiking up the side of a mountain in the Congo. Favours aside, brooms with red handles will have special meaning to you in the future. Your lucky things – Colour yellow, Number 0, Mammal Sperm Whale!
Personality: "I am the walrus, coocoo cachoo", you were once quoted as saying. You are, to put it lightly, fucking insane! Anything you see, you feel inclined to gnaw on with your teeth. You have a special place in your heart for grapefruit.
Other People’s Views: Send it away immediately! Take it to the nearest mental institution, where it can get the healthy electric shock therapy it deserves.
Future: People with dandruff (e.g. D. Bruce) will grant you wishes, just rub their hair and speak your will. Avoidance of all exercise equipment by the name of "Trimmy 2000" is absolutely necessary. Any contact with such apparatus could lead to death and/or consumption of rancid custard. Lucky Colour, puce! Lucky number, 13. Lucky mammal, Thylacene.
Personality: Excessively religious, and of the wrong religion too, but we shall cover this shortly. A pedantic, paranoid hypochondriac. Far too uptight. Obsessions with a certain country and an old ship rule your life.
Characteristics: Don’t you look sexy in those dress pants! Wohoo, hose me down.
Other People’s View: Settle down, get a grip! It won’t hurt if you sit still and not worry for a few hours! For Mike’s sake just because you have a headache doesn’t mean you have Ebola!
Future: Join the Divine Church Of Fred Basset Now! Leave behind the old religion which you follow, take up the new! I see that you will follow this advice in the near future and relax on a wonderful holiday on yFalminica. Lucky colour cardinal red, lucky number 777, lucky mammal Peruvian Custard Swillow!
Personality: You get along with everyone except for those who have red, brown or black hair. All those who are blonde adore you. You spend half of your life (and enjoy it) insulting rich Italian men, and the other half running from them and their Mafia comrades. You never learn from such mistakes. It appears that you are unaware that there have been several bad gangster movies based on your life.
Future: It is essential that you do not come in contact with any Lesbian truckdrivers named Big Bertha. Any formation of a relationship with a woman of such a kind will only lead to a Kung Fu style showdown near a river, from which only one person will survive. You should part your hair the opposite direction to the usual on Tuesdays. Lucky things- Number: -1, Colour: A lighter shade of pale, Mammal: Martin Scorcese.
Personality: A strange, disturbing wont for groping people, rules your life. You feel that your hands have the right to be wherever you put them. And despite all your assurances, there are no Leprechauns at your school!
Other People’s View: Fuck Off!
Future: You are to partake in a grand adventure in the search for silk and fine spices. You shall travel to Columbia where you will be sentenced to death for refusing to import crack. When it comes to the time that you are to inherit six billion dollars from a very rich old man, you suddenly die of a mysterious illness. You will be at the age of a prime number (those divisible by themselves and one only). Lucky Number: 23 (hint, hint. Prime number), lucky colour: Saffron yellow, mammal: Three-toed sloth.
Personality: You are an extremely pathetic creature. Never are you able to sustain any luck. Your entire life has been and will be a long string of unlucky events.
Future: You will die a horrible, bloody death because you accidentally fall in a hole. This will not actually be when you die however. You will manage to climb out of the hole, but with a sore ankle you drag your foot. Because you do not lift your foot properly you will trip and knock over a man who is about to chop down a tree with an axe. He will instead almost chop his dog in half. When the dog runs away in fear it will be found by the pound and kept there. When someone comes to find a dog they choose it. One week later when you have recovered from your sore ankle a car will hit you. The car will be carrying two people who have a dog with them. They just got the dog from the pound. It is the same dog who ran away from the axe. And because they know the man who owned the dog they are taking it back to him. However the car will not kill you. A rescue helicopter will pick you up and while it is flying you to hospital it will crash into the side of a mountain. The pilot was allergic to dog hair. There was some dog hair on the blanket that the people in the car had wrapped around you, the blanket that the dog had been lying on. The reason you will die in these circumstances is because you simply fell down a hole while walking in the forest looking for a ball. You wanted exact, you got it. There are no valid lucky colours, numbers, or mammals for you.
Personality: You are an exceptionally boring person, who finds great joy in reading a booking while sitting in the sun on a rock.
Characteristics/Features: Your long, thin tongue is the subject of a lot of criticism. Your gleaming green eyes draw attention to you at first but then people run away in disgust of your lizard-like face.
Future: Sorry but you will ultimately become a very sad individual, locked up in a cage like the freak you are. People will parade past your exhibit each day saying things like, 'Ooh, how gross', 'What the hell is that thing', 'I hope they killl the disgusting creature before it breaks out an goes on a killing rampage'. I can see that there will be freedom for you in the more distant future. But this will be followed by death when you become roadkill, squashed on the road. Your lucky things are: Number - 4, Colour - green/grey, and mammal - Mongoose.
Personality: You believe falsely that you are God’s gift to all things female. You flirt incessantly with any female, or if none are around, anyone wearing a skirt. But if you ever get the chance to have sex, you crawl into the foetal* position in a nearby corner.
Characteristics/Features: Corduroy is the main component of your wardrobe. With shorts you have the belief, ‘the lower the better’. You find it hard to suppress a huby, when talking to a girl, especially those who are of the young*, foreign type.
Other People’s views: It seems that you do not understand when people say, "you’re a dickhead, Kitley*" (to use a random name) that they are indeed not joking.
Future: You shall remain hubified* and smarmy* forever. Don’t expect any Bavarian girls to take you seriously from now on. Lucky things: Colour, mould. Number, 1 (coincidentally the number of times which you will have sex in your life, of course this will be only with a rabbit). Mammal, German Female Human.
Personality: You are able to develop a fully-fledged obsession with people you meet only two days previously.
Characteristics/features: An odd penchant for large, animal-shaped earrings is displayed clearly.
Other People’s View: Stop deluding yourself. People generally want to help you but you are oblivious to their pleas that beehive hairdos are just not the go. Everyone is sympathetic but they keep a safe distance from you as not to be confused as your friend. Take a hint, it may also have something to do with your taste for raw onion. Whoa, that reeks.
Future: Albanian sheepherders must not be trusted, no matter what the situation, any relationship formed with one of these people could only lead to your ruin. Signs that read "death to all who enter", should be noted as they generally signify danger. Lucky number: 747 (flee the country and set up a new life in Paraguay), lucky colour: blood red, lucky mammal: the reclusive hogmonkey
E-mail: gurual_hfh@yahoo.com yfalminica@hotmail.com
GLOSSARY
Step 1.
Read the glossary for the meaning of the words, which were marked with an asterisk in the above document.
Read: You should be doing this right now. If confusion still remains please go to step 2 on the next page.
Glossary: well, need I explain more. This is a glossary you are reading now. It explains the definitions of certain words, which appeared in the previous text. If you still do not understand go to step two
The square root of 4761: The significance of this number (yes I know it is not a word) is not immediately apparent. But if you square root it you will find that it has a surprising importance.
Personality: The quality, which makes you appealing to others. This includes your humour, emotions etc. Those lacking in any real personality are advised to go to step two.
Foetal: Referring to foetus, the young baby inside the mother’s womb between the stages of three and nine months. It is in no way a crack at David Bruce.
Young: The opposite to old. The word is used here in not the most extreme form. Between the adulthood and childhood. Not so young as a baby or foetus, or one who David Bruce would find eligible for dating.
Kitley: A nonsensical, irritating, smarmy creature who has the defense mechanism of being utterly ignorant of the contempt of those around it. The creature observes strange sexual practises (i.e. None at all). If it feels that sex could be had it starts its gibbering of lame excuses, an attempt to confuse the propositioner.
Hubified: From the word Huby, meaning an erction which is big enough for public embarrassment, but not big enough to be of any use.
Smarmy: irritatingly and excessively cool and suave to the point of making all those around the individual, with any sense at all, sick.
Step 2.
Please pack some clothes and immediately report to the Academy of Thaumaturgy, there you will be taught the ways of the world, starting form the basics.
If by this time you have still not grasped the simple concepts of life then you will be deemed ‘unworthy of existence’ and shipped off to yFalminica. This may seem harsh but it is for the greater good. After all we are trying to build a mighty Fascist nation with the strength to crush all opposition.
This has been a presentation in association with Guru inc. ©™ and yFalminican united press ™. 1998.
The BBC is thanked for allowing Guru Al to use the footage from the documentary Scented Clouds of Groove.
Guru Al would have it known that the following people are to be thanked.
Rolf Harris
Adriana Xenides
The late Alan Ginsberg
Napoleon XXIV
John Paul II
Quentin Tarantino
The fat kid from ‘Hey Dad’
The guy whose face you never see on the ‘Oral B’ commercial
Sweet Bosom
Hochlor
Anvil Falls On Coyote
Nine Turning Mirrors
Igor
Gorf
Cardinal Gary
Everyone who lives in Abu Simbel
Guru Al © 1998
Last updated: 28/07/00
