Episode One:
Mama Told Me How
"Cut," Woozlewazza chanted. "OK, Panagiotis. You can pull your pants up now."
Panagiotis frowned, this was not how he pictured his life would be. "Oh, well porn is better than no job at all," he muttered, clothing himself, walking to his trailer off the side of the set.
Woozlewazza grinned carefully at the set. It was cheap, tacky, obviously constructed by amateur set designers out of old styrofoam cups and chicken bones, but it was a movie nonetheless. And a PORN movie at that. Whoa, how impressive!
Wozzlewazza had been in his current home (The eighth planet in the ninth solar system in the Penile star system) for just over a year. He had already installed himself successfully in the Porn industry of the star system.
Of course, as has been mentioned before (not in this story but in other places), the only profitable industry in the Penile star system (consisting of sixteen inhabitable planets) was pornography. The wealthiest sector in the industry was naturally the movie one. Woozlewazza had - once sobriety had kicked in - noticed that if he was to become wealthy, he would have to become involved in one form of pornography. He chose the one that would lead to excessive wealth. And it had. He had been extremely successful and was now the richest man in the world.
"Come on . . . ah . . . erm." He looked at his newest love interest. She was, as had been the previous seven love interests, very well endowed. No, not intellectually. She was probably the most attractive of all of them, even Terry. But he was one of the interests that Woozlewazza would rather forget.
I know she has a name, he thought. "Ah . . . Fi . . .o . . . na?" he ventured.
"Yes?" Fiona answered.
Success! he cried in his head, doing a little victory dance. Or maybe not. It suddenly dawned on him that every second female in the star system was named Fiona. This had come about since the lead character in the most popular (porn) movie ever made was named Fiona. All the other females were either Angie or Jenny. Go figure.
"Let's go home!" Woozlewazza and Fiona jumped into a red convertible and sped off.
"Hey!" Panagiotis yelled. "That's my car!"
Meanwhile in the wilds of the eighth planet (which by the way was named Squa) . . .
Iggy sat on a pile of rags and yawned. The day had been uneventful and genuinely boring. He scratched behind his head with his back leg, rewarding himself for his deft achievement at balance on top of these rags.
The rags shuddered briefly. A soft moan seemed to come from them. Iggy ignored this and continued to blink and yawn, without a care of what was happening to the rest of the world or what anyone else was doing.
"Mklrngg," suggested the pile of rags.
"Mmm," considered Iggy in a vague Irish hum. He decided to let the sudden animation of the previously seemingly dead rags pass. He had other things to think about. Like . . . Guinness and green hills and attractive lizards.
He raised his eyebrow (not an easy thing to do for an Iguana, and an Irish Iguana at that). He concluded that it was about time to go home. He was sick of all these ridiculous, porn-obsessed fools who ran around the planet in tight leather clothing quoting lines from their favourite Play Thing* interview.
*Play Thing was a magazine that aimed for a wide audience. It showed graphic and obscene pictures of Aliens from other planets who were seemingly neither female or male, yet . . . no they weren't even attractive. The people of the Penile Star system were so sexually inclined that just about anything would turn them on.
The pile of rags moved rather suddenly shaking Iggy off from on top of them. Iggy huffed, irritated, slowly moving back to the rags in an attempt to mount them once more.
They shook violently, a moaning shocking the lizard and making him reconsider his approach.
"Aeggh!" exclaimed the rags.
"Pff!" huffed Iggy. "If you are going to move, then get on with it!" Iggy cried in his thick Irish accent.
"Gee, gee gee." The rags seemed to be giggling.
"Indeed!" Iggy concurred with mock interest. "I'll just have to find a nice rock or something." He began to walk off intent on getting some rest before he went home.
"Wait!" A voice demanded behind him.
"What now!?" Iggy spun around and was shocked to find that the rags now had a face and legs even. Plus a couple of appendages that resembled arms. The face was dirty and the most noticeable feature was a huge grin. It was, it seemed to Iggy, a woman. "Great! Another biped! Everywhere you go in this damn universe there is another biped-type lifeform to piss you off. The ones on Earth are bad enough!"
"Earth?" asked the rag woman.
"Yes, the planet I come from."
"I know Earth!" Rag woman answered indignantly. "I altho come from there."
"Great to meet you, gotta go." Iggy turned his back on Rag woman and started to move away.
"Wait, where are you going?"
"Home."
"To Earth? Can I come to?"
"I don't know. I . . . "
"Great!"
"OK. I suppose I can take you, whoever the hell you are. I am Iggy."
"Cool, I am Lethley. I'm an alcoholic Lethbian."
"Aha . . ." Iggy thought for a second. Lesley, he thought, deciphering the lisp, a lesbian.
'Tis best to leave these two now and return to the star of the show, Woozlewazza. He is currently lounging in his home . . .
Woozlewazza commended himself for his carnal achievements and sipped on a cool lemonade. In the background Fiona could be heard moaning, trying to slip back into her tight leather pants.
"Try vasoline," Woozlewazza recommended.
He left Fiona to clothe herself and attempted to press the on button on the TV remote control with his toe. But that was hopeless. Damn, he'd have to move.
He leant forward and picked up the remote, falling back quickly. A tiring life. He curtly pressed the appropriate button. The screen flickered and the image of a smartly dressed female newsreader came to from the black screen. Woozlewazza was briefly distracted by the new set design of the newsroom - a collage of interesting pictures of even more interestingly clothed individuals. Ah, I love this planet, he thought.
The newswoman coughed, as if to get his attention. She seemed to be in panic mode. Must be serious, Woozlewazza thought.
". . . and officials cannot say how long it will take before the illness has spread across the entire planet! Cases have already been reported on eleven of the sixteen inhabitable planets in the Penile start system!"
"What? What illness!?" Woozlewazza questioned.
"Apparently there is no vaccination and no cure. The result is inevitable. Everyone will be affected and there is nothing we can do about it!"
"What's the freaking illness!?" Woozlewazza blustered. "Tell me!"
"Once again, Antiup, the contagious disease that is sweeping the star system will effect everyone. The effects will be at first flu-like symptoms which will pass in a couple of days . . ."
"Oh, is that all."
"Followed by permanent impotence!"
"What!? Crap!" Impotence was not a condition that appealed to Woozlewazza.
"Of course most resident aliens from outside the system will not be affected."
"Woohoo!"
Everything was OK. He wouldn't get sick. Life was peachy, nothing had really changed.
"And, further more," the newswoman read.
"Further more? That doesn't sound good."
"The Porn industry will naturally fail!"
"Argh! Argh! Argh!"
Back in the woods, a lizard and a pile of rags trudge along a muddy path . . .
"How are we going to get there, Iggy?" Lesley asked, swishing a large mouth full of vodka around with her tongue.
"I can't tell you. It is best you don't know as knowledge is power and you can't handle the power. Once you have it you will just want more and you will not be satisfied until you get it and then it will never be enough. So you will waste your life searching for it and it will send you over the edge, leaving you clinging there until you can barely grip anymore, then some bastard will step on your fingers and send you falling into the deep abyss of nothingness where you shall spend an eternity burning in the truthful fires of the soul. Hear well, Lesbian, for your doom shall come and it will look you in the eyes and you shall scream for your own destruction and release from your petty life in this ghastly world of no hope. Take heed for the end shall never come lest you truly deserve it. And with this power you can never hold on to it as your grip will slip and you will not know the way any longer, dazed by the very knowledge that you are only a single insignificant speck of dust in a cosmic dustpan . . ." Iggy paused to wipe slobber from his mouth. " . . . Then you will know Lesbian, what real pain is, the confusion of the mind and the relentless pull of death!"
"What are the hell are you talking about?!" Lesley screamed.
"I don't know, it seemed appropriate when I said it."
"Shutup and tell me where we are going!"
"Hey, since when have you been the leader here. I am the one with the knowledge and therefore the power. I have no need to search the . . ."
Lesley grabbed Iggy by the neck. "Lithen your thtupid reptile, stop your rambling and get me home!"
"Yes ma'am." Iggy pouted, turning back to his path. "If you must know. We shall return to our planet by means of a spaceship that I, myself, constructed with a skilful team of leprechauns."
"Thounds logical," Lesley breathed, considering why she was accepting this so easily, and decided to reward herself with a nice hit of vodka.
"It shall however take approximately fourteen million years to reach our planet."
"What!?" Lesley exclaimed, spraying the lizard with alcohol. "I am not completely thure, but I believe that my lifethpan is thomewhat thorter than that time period."
"Indeed it is, you stupid lesbian, but we have Agy Hibernation Containers© that shall suspend us for another three hundred million years if need be."
"What if they fail?"
"Highly unlikely." Of course this was the biggest fucking lie of the century. If you were talking about the chance that any Agy product would fail or become defective, highly and unlikely are two words which would appear a long way from each other in this sentence, and never together. Unless you were talking of the chance that the product would survive without any damage during its expectant life.
"Mmm, I thuppose I will just have to accept it. I can't thtand this planet anymore, and bethides there aren't many Lethbians around here. Accept that congrethwoman. But if there was ever anyone that looked more like a horthe than her . . ." Lesley giggled. "Gee gee gee."
Iggy rolled his eyes. he was glad that fourteen million years would go quick with hibernation. He wouldn't want to spend more that an hour with this freak.
"Let's go," he suggested.
Back in Woozlewazza's house . . .
Woozlewazza was frantically packing. He had better things to do than stay on a planet full of people who couldn't get it up and watch as the Porn industry came crashing down around him.
It was a crying shame. Why? Why? And this new movie he was working on. What a piece of art! The storyline was just so brilliant, revolutionary for a porn film. Who would have ever thought of a young man being attracted to his female boss and then playing out his sexual fantasies with her. It was the new Debbie Does Dallas, not that they had ever heard of that movie on this planet.
He could hear his girlfriend in his room, talking to herself in the mirror. He picked up his suitcase and walked to his room.
"Fi-o-na," the girl was saying. "Fi-o-na."
"It's a hard name to remember isn't it sweetie?" Woozlewazza patronised the girl. "Quick! Pack some things and we will go."
He had decided to take her along as a souvenir. "Where are we going Woozy?"
"I am taking you to meet my family."
"O . . . K," she said slowly and carefully.
She tossed a few things in her bag and the two quickly ran outside.
In the car Woozlewazza could see Panagiotis in the drivers seat. "Hey get out of my car!"
"This is my car Mr. Woozlewazza. And I am taking it home with me."
Woozlewazza gave the man a quick knock over the head and through him out of the car. "Get in Fiona."
They jumped in the car and sped off. They were headed to a mountain nearby where Alien spacecraft landed. Woozlewazza had the intention of catching a ride with one of them.
The car sped down one of the main streets of the city, weaving through a crazy street of impotent citizens. The windows of the shops had been smashed and looters ran wild. "Hey, that's my handbag!" some woman screamed. The man who had stolen it curtly spun around and simply answered. "You'd do the same if you couldn't get it up!"
Woozlewazza noticed that he had slowed down to watch the mad scene. He quickly resumed his previous insane speed, knocking over pedestrians. He saw down the end of the road a group of men with sandwhich boards and bells. "It's all over," they toned. "Repent, commit your genitals to the lord!"
It was enough to send Woozlewazza crazy. He could imagine this happening on Earth, and that scared him. He drove on. The sooner he got away from the place, the safer and calmer he would feel.
On the back of the car, Panagiotis clung to the exhaust pipe. "Ouch," he complained as his legs dragged on the road, leaving a lovely array of blood patterns. The car sped up violently, recklessly lunging over bumps. "Argh!" he screamed. There goes my left thumb, he thought.
He clung on despite the pain. He would get that Woozlewazza if it was the last thing he did. The car was presently seemingly having fun diving into each and every pothole available on the road. Oh well, to look on the bright side, if need be he would be able to fit in with that leper colony in the hills.
He grimaced as another finger carelessly lost its place. A certain director of pornographic films would pay for this.
Ten minutes later at the mountain . . .
Woozlewazza sprung from the car, landed awkwardly and badly damaged his right ankle. To make matters worse a small ground bird attacked him for trampling its nest.
It was not a good day.
On the hill he could see a spreading cloud of grey gas. He noted also a thundering sound and then a large object shooting into the sky.
"Damn, they are already leaving. I hope some are still there."
They frantically ran up the slope, shortly stopping to have a small three course meal. Finally they reached the top and could see that there were still many spaceships around.
At the bottom of the hill, a shabby figure crawls along the ground . . .
Panagiotis shivered. His hair was a mess. He didn't like the chances that someone around here would have some hair mousse. The ghastly state of his body meant that he would probably not be able to continue in his line of work.
Panagiotis examined his hands. Seven of the ten fingers were still present. "My beautiful hands!" he moaned to the sky.
After sobbing for a few minutes he trudged on reluctantly.
We return now to the top of the hill as the star of the show bargains with the owner of a spaceship . . .
"What do you mean this isn't enough money!?!?!?!?" Woozlewazza blustered furiously.
"I'm sorry," said a man with long green hair, a salamander sitting on his shoulder. "I will need more than that. The fuel isn't cheap. And Earth . . . it's a bit out of my way."
"Out of your way? You are going to Earth!"
"Yes, well that's all well and good, but I just cannot afford to take you, unless . . ." he spied Fiona standing behind Woozlewazza. "Unless, we could arrange something with the girl." He winked and grinned indecently.
"How dare you . . ." Woozlewazza was about to spin off some argument for the sake of some grand moral cause, but wondered why this would be at all necessary. He checked just to make sure and concluded as he had expected: He had no morals. "Maybe . . ."
"Of course, it would have to be a special arrangement," the man slobbered.
"Heh heh, I completely understand," Woozlewazza smiled.
"And it would have to include you."
"Naturally . . ." Woozlewazza paused. He had missed something. Wait Woozlewazza, think, he said to himself. What was said? Something, not good. He spun it around in his mind for a while. "Me!?!?" he finally exploded. "Why you . . . Not that I haven't done this before, sure, but you . . ."
Woozlewazza turned his back. "Come Fiona, we shall find another ride."
The two approached the next spaceship. It was noticeably small, about half the size a school bus. "Hello?" Woozlewazza called out.
"Yes?" came a thick Irish accent from inside.
"Have you room for two more? We can pay."
"Where are you going?" the accent hummed.
"Earth."
"What? More? Why is everyone going to earth? You better not be going to my country. We ‘aven't got any room for you."
"Your country? Ah, would that be . . ." Woozlewazza scanned his memory of accents. "Would that be Guatemala?"
"No, you idiot, Ireland!"
"Of course! That's in Asia right?"
"No!" The accent went silent. A soft muttering could be heard, a clinking of bottles and then a bizarre giggle. "Gee gee gee."
"Well, do you have room?"
"Yes, come in."
Woozlewazza bent over to go through the door. It was little more that a metre high. He stepped in carefully and could hear Fiona behind him. There was a painful thud. "Ow!" Fiona complained.
"Bend down sweetie."
"Oh . . ." The suggestion was slowly processed in the girl's head, then finally she entered, relatively unscathed.
When he had time to look around Woozlewazza noted that the room was predominantly green yet neat. There were six chairs at the back of the vehicle, and a door behind these to another room. At the front of the vehicle was a panel covered with lights, buttons and levers, and two seats in front of this. The only person in the craft was a woman in rags, she sat in one of the two seats. "You certainly have a deep voice for a woman."
"What are you talking about?" she replied in a high-pitched whine.
"Oh, is there someone else here?" inquired Woozlewazza.
"Yes, me." responded the Irish accent.
Woozlewazza scanned the room and could not see the source of the voice. "Where are you?"
"Down here."
Woozlewazza looked to the panel and noticed nothing but a lizard. "Aha . . ."
"Yes, it's me."
"But you're a lizard."
"Very well observed."
"Whatever," the monk conceded after a moments thought.
"Everyone shutup!" Iggy suggested. "Sit down so we can take off." He considered why he was being so generous to these people he didn't know, it taking them back to earth. Perhaps it was because he knew that they would have to stay here and endure an eternity of porn-minded freaks dancing around them. He had to sypathise.
Everyone took a place in one of the seats and Iggy walked around the panel of lights and switches, moving various levers and pushing buttons with the result of some rather pleasant sounds but noticeably no movement on the spacecraft's part.
"Hey Lizard, do you think you could hurry up there!?" Woozlewazza called to Iggy. The reptile just returned a disapproving glare and continued to walk about the panel.
Finally there was a satifying hum and the ship vibrated. "Stupid fucking biped!" Iggy cursed quietly as he took a seat in front of the panel.
The shaking became more furious and a beeping sound alerted the others to the fact that the ship would probably be taking off any second. The rumble was quickly louder. Fiona said something to Woozlewazza, but he could not hear.
All of a sudden the noise stopped. "Hey what happened?" Woozlewazza asked. He leant forward and then was thrown back against his chair as the ship took off. It blasted through the sky slaughtering a pack of small pigeons and altering the course of a passenger airship which inadvertently hurtled into a nearby mountain. The craft continued on its way and disappeared in the orange of the sky, roughly pointed towards Earth.
Three minutes earlier . . .
Panagiotis saw the ship quiver violently and heard a hum coming from it. He raced towards it, and on reaching it opened the first door he found. He climbed into a small room with strange glass coffins. After closing the door he braced himself on a padded chair, seconds before the vehicle shot into the sky.
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Last updated: 15/04/99