Episode Two:

I am Lesbian, hear me roar

Lesley grinned vacantly at the lizard on the panel at the front of the ship. "Gee, gee gee," she giggled uncontrollably. She continued this until she noticed the buxom form of Fiona, right next to her.

Fiona was unsettled by the glance that Lesley gave her. "Ah, hello, ah," Fiona said.

"Yar verrrrry beautif-f-ferlll," Lesley slurred, the vodka taking a noticeable effect.

"Ah," Fiona contemplated deeply. How could she reject this woman kindly? "Do you like cup cakes?" Fiona inquired, forgetting totally what the question in her mind had been.

"Of courthe!" Lesley screamed, enthused, placing her hand on Fiona's thigh.

"Ah," Fiona responded nervously.

The air of discomfort continued as Iggy steered the vehicle skillfully, plotting a course to Earth.

"We can sleep now," Iggy announced. "But first, would any of you like a Guinness? I have a couple that I saved for this special occasion."

"What the hell is a Guinness?" Woozlewazza asked. "Is it like a strange sexual thing. I don't think I could go into that right now. Sure, I am flattered, and perhaps a little curious, but I just can't commit to that sort of straining relationship right now . . . unless it involves chains."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Iggy screamed. "A Guinness is a beer."

"Of course it is. That's what I meant." Woozlewazza hung his head, avoiding the glances of the people around him, wiping his mind clear of all thought of sex with a lizard. That was just out of the question. After all he was male, for god's sake!

Iggy rolled his eyes several times and then pressed an appropriately large button on the panel. Appropriate? Well, yes because it's size matched the grandeur of the result.

A gold box rose from the floor, to the left of the panel. It shimmered in a stream of light that shone heavenly from the ceiling above. A harmonious hum filled the room and an awed gleam appeared in Iggy's eyes. Angels could be heard singing in praise of the box. The sound of harps and melodious flutes sifted through the room, soothing, calming all the souls on board with its majestic tune.

"What the fuck ith that?" Lesley demanded. This was met by odd looks from the others. "Well, I can thwear too!"

They turned their attention back to Iggy. He crawled towards the box, pressed his foot on the side. The box folded out, a bottle of Guinness could be seen in it. Iggy leapt onto it, attempting to open it.

Three hours as the lizard wrestled with the bottle in an insane attempt to open it. The others looked on, amazed at the sudden tenacity of the lizard that had minutes ago seemed docile, albeit intelligent. "Can't . . . open . . . it!" Iggy complained, his tail wrapped around the top of the bottle, his two tiny front feet clutching the lid, trying to twist it.

Finally he loosened the top and the shaken beverage spewed out its dark reward. Iggy lapped happily at the pool of Guinness on the floor.

When he was finished, he found that the others had fallen asleep. "Get up!!!" he exclaimed.

They all jumped up, horrified by the ferocity of the lizard's voice. "We must go into the hibernation cribs now!"

They all rose from their seats, amazed how the lizard could hold his drink. "Quick, through that door!" Iggy indicated the door at the back of the cabin, which was marked with large, glorious, green lettering, which plainly stated: 'Hibernation Thingies'. Hibernation? thought Woozlewazza, this was the first he had heard anything about hibernation. It better not be those Agy Hibernation Containers©, he thought. 'Cause he had heard that they . . .

"Now!" The lizard demanded. Woozlewazza unenergetically trudged after Iggy who had already walked into the room. They soon found themselves to be quite alone. Woozlewazza stuck his head back out the door to see a rather unsettling sight.

"Goddamnit!" Woozlewazza screached. "I didn't know you were a Lesbian Fiona!"

"What?" the dull girl responded, presently partaking in a seemingly erotic and hard-on-the-back exercise with Lesley. "Lesbian? No, my father was Greek."

Woozlewazza spent a few minutes trying to figure out what the hell she meant by this and then abandoned the whole affair, returning to the hibernation thingies room, leaving the other two to a wild fit of grunting and questionable acts which will not be explained further in this version of the story but will be fully described in the "Six Degrees of Inebriation: Red Label edition".

After a mere minute the two women entered the room, Fiona smoking, Lesley swigging vodka. "Are we all ready then?" Iggy inquired with noticeable irritation.

"Of course," they all responded.

"Thankyou." Iggy pressed a button on a little contraption that was strapped to his wrist, or ankle, or whichever way you see it. Four of the six hibernation cribs opened and Iggy indicated for them to climb in. They were a rather striking green and had small shamrocks printed on them. The glass tops were also a transparent green. It matched well with the rest of the damn ship that had a tragic affinity for green, shown in its decor.

"You'd think that the Irish had built it," Woozlewazza commented, he thought quite intelligently.

"Well, perhaps that is because they did!" Iggy squealed.

Woozlewazza admitted that this was an adequate answer and decided that he could do with a sleep. He and Lesley approached one of the hibernation cribs. "Hey, I want thith one," Lesley whined.

"Over my godly body," Woozlewazza retorted. "You just try to take it bitch, and I'll . . ."

"Come at me!" Lesley spat.

"Hey!!!!" Iggy screamed, holding up a rather impressive gun. "If you don't all shut the f#$k up I am going to get real f#$king angry and start going insane and maybe killing a few f#$king things. So if you don't want that to f#$king happen then you better well fucking sit down!"

"Hey you didn't censor that last f#$k!" Woozlewazza observed.

Iggy spun around rapidly, drooling madly, gun cocked, toe or finger on the trigger. "Just try me. One more f#$king word and I will blow your f#$king head off!!!!!"

Woozlewazza trusted him on this and hesitantly stepped away from the crib, letting Lesley have it. He chose the one next to it.

When all had picked a crib. Iggy jumped in one himself and pressed a button on his contraption. "Good f#$king night," he groaned as the lid on the cribs slowly, with a satisfying click, locked.

The three people and the lizard quickly descended into sleep, leaving the ship silent at last. They dreamt merrily as their vehicle continued the journey to earth.

Meanwhile, in Woozlewazza's fantasy world . . .

Woozlewazza looked around him, He was in a newly mown field, will a bright blue sky. There was a rather ample supply of heavily-endowed, bare-chested women, dressed in insufficiently buttoned flannelette shirts. They were working on the field at various tasks. Some dug holes painfully, others planted seeds or harvested crops. The cries of 'Oh, could some strong man please help me with this' filled the air.

"Hey, I could get used to this," the former porn director said.

He ran to the nearest beauty, weeding a small garden, and quickly went through the precedures of chatting her up. "Hi, are you from around here? What's your name? Feel like a bit of a . . ."

He was stopped by a sharp and all too real pain in his groin. He found a foot still lodged between his legs that seemed to belong to someone behind him.

He turned around slowly, receiving a rather big surprise.

"Igor!"

"Yes, it is I." The woman shook a large knife at Woozlewazza. "What the hell are you doing? I thought you said that I was the only one for you. But you have been sleeping with everyone you can. Even that Terry guy." She shook the knife threateningly, pointing it in the direction of his most prized asset.

"No, not the sausage!" he pleaded grabbing the eighteen year old lucky sausage that he kept in his breast pocket. He gripped the moldy thing tightly.

"OK, but you have to promise that there will be no more promiscuity. I have afterall saved myself for you, never having slept with another man." She coughed nervously.

"I promise," Woozlewazza agreed.

"Good. I will see you back on earth soon."

"Wait, are you going to leave me now, we haven't seen each other for over a decade!"

"True, I suppose I could stay a while." Igor wiped her forehead. "This dream sequence has got me doing some strange things. I had to wash the master's pet Sloth a minute ago."

"Sloth? Master?"

"Yeah, this farm is owned by some guy named Dorothy."

Woozlewazza paused briefly to think. "It's ah . . . a pretty name," he conceded.

"Indeed." They came across a wagon suddenly, parked there with a full load of hay. "I am sick of this, let's make the best of the rest of this dream sequence, and go somewhere else. Jump on!"

They both jumped onto the wagon and Woozlewazza steered the horseless carriage somehow to the other side of the field where there was a clump of trees. Once there the two made good use of the hay for many pleasurable minutes. "It better not end yet," she said. "The dream I mean."

This dream faded rapidly and was replaced with one of Woozlewazza playing and naturally winning Wimbledon.

Meanwhile on Earth, Igor dreams . . .

"It better not end yet," she said. "The dream I mean."

She awoke abruptly. "Whoa, freaky."

She shook her head. It couldn't have been real. Could Woozlewazza really be returning . . .

Back on the spaceship, on the other side of the universe . . .

The silence was broken abruptly by the sound of screwing. That is to say that screws were being removed from a small panel on the back wall of the ship.

The panel was carelessly thrown aside and from the hole that was now there, emerged the greasy form of Panagiotis.

"Ha ha!" He cried evilly, expecting there to be a few people quivering in fear there. But instead he found nothing but seats, a panel of buttons and levers, a few obscene pictures featuring Joan of Arc and one of those enthralling perpetual motion things.

Panagiotis ran to the front of the ship, right in front of the perpetual motion thing. "Ha ha!" he cried evilly to it, with little reaction. Did it slow down? he asked himself.

He sat, feeling the humiliation of defeat from a perpetual dolphin, spinning on a ring. Where the hell were the others? According to a monitor on the panel, they were still flying through space. Panagiotis leant against the panel, moving a small little moveable ball labeled 'mouse'. The picture on the monitor changed to a green background with a few icons on it. Damn! It had only been a windows screensaver. Surely they were still flying. He should be able to find out somehow.

He scanned the panel and checked all the labels that the buttons had. 'Guinness', 'Pornographic Leprechaun Pictures', 'Outside Vision', there were countless buttons. Panagiotis was tempted by the 'Pornographic Leprechaun Pictures' but instead went for the 'outside vision'.

The picture on the monitor changed and Panagiotis could see the stars and the planets. There was one planet that, according to details on the bottom of the screen was only one hour away.

Excellent. He would dump the others, assuming they were still on board somewhere, and then he would take the ship back home.

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! A brilliant plan."

Panagiotis cackled evilly and surveyed the interior of the room, noticing a door at the back.

"Hibernation Thingies?" he asked himself. Of course!

With a few minutes of fiddling around with the buttons and levers he set the ship for landing on the planet in the distance, with automatic thawing of the hibernation cribs.

"Ha ha ha! I will have my revenge yet, Woozlewazza. You will pay for your bastardry!"

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Last updated: 15/04/99