For My Brother Everett 
 
                 
I guess life got too hard for him 
so he checked out 
refusing medicine he knew he needed 
he chose to die 
but now that I think about it 
no one goes until God calls your number 
so I guess it was time for him to check out 
and all I can think of 
is the he that was him 
before the drugs 
before the alcohol 
when we was my cool older brother 
the one in the army 
who played the sax 
and took me to skate 
at twin city 
now I'm missing him 
the he that was him 
before the drugs 
before the alcohol 
the man I went to for help 
not the addict
the one who came home 
broken begging for food 
who took refuge in our mother's basement 
because we couldn't trust him upstairs 
after he took all he could carry 
but he was still my brother 
and my youthful eye 
went from being happy to see him 
to pretending I didn't know him 
as I got older 
when we met by accident on the street 
four years went by before I saw him once 
and I saw him twice afterwards before he died 
and today for some strange reason 
I can't get him out my mind 
it's like he standing next to me 
making me remember 
I'm crying as I write these lines 
but I didn't at his funeral 
and that was three years ago 
I guess it's time for the pain to come out 
because I still don't understand... 
I still don't understand 
why drugs were more important to him than us??? 
and even though he grew up to be a bum 
and I refused his collect calls from prison 
I was so proud of him the fist time he came out of detox 
and spent 30 days at the VA 
I brought him the first new sneakers he had in years 
the same pair he wore when he relapse two days later 
the same pair he wore when he stole my cell phone 
the same pair he wore when he took the rent money 
the same pair he wore when he claimed through the back window 
the same pair he wore when I would pretend I didn't know him 
like he wasn't kin 
and I know it was a sin 
but how do I tell the world my family ain't perfect??? 
never was 
and never will be 
and now that I've out lived 
two brothers 
and a sister 
one to drugs 
one to AIDS 
one to a brain tumor 
smiling is hard 
and holidays even harder 
but if I could spend one minute 
with all of my family 
the ones that are here 
and above 
I'll take it 
and cherish it 
for the rest of my life 
So I could raise my voice 
Against the sound ques of our bickering 
to tell the three of them 
And especially him 
what I never said when he was here 
When they were here 
I Love 
You 


Incomplete Versions of Things 
I Just Can't Get Out My Mind...
 


Incomplete versions of Things I Just Can't Get Out My Mind...

Long after my death
I want someone to speak my words with pride
use my chapbook and cd as a guide
to help slide them through 
the sliding indrieernce of humanity
I was born female and black
two strikes against me
yet im prevailing
not existing
surving
surpassing jokers
plotting
convinced they can steal my joy
rename me toy
with capitalism breathing down my back
I am the queen of swords 
fighting for the have nots
telling the knots in my stomach
no weapon forged against me shall prosper
for i am filled with the courage of women who jumped ship
before the completion of the middle passage
like them i rather die then be enslaved
or stop fighting for the American dream 
not promised to me
but whispered on winds
by lynched men on trees
all black like me
see

Incomplete versions of thoughts I can't get out my mind...

On the eve of my 31st birthday
I found myself alone
alone in the medical imaging center
with the old maid card I plucked when I was six still in my back pocket
waiting for the technician to x-ray my left foot for the 8th time
preying the swellen of unknown origin was not another sign of old age to come
like my inability to use all  the digits on my right hand on cold, damped and rainy
days...painfully caused  by the arthritis I acquired working minimum wage to obtain a four
year degree in 8years from an accredited university that serves no purpose in a room I
barely use...

Not the person I should be
Not the person I was
but destined to be more 

Incomplete versions of thoughts I can't get out my mind...

No
No, I don't wanna' date your
baby's father, cousin, ex-best friend
I might be single
but
I'm not desparate

Incomplete versions of Things I Just Can't Get Out My Mind
 

2002 Copyright Helena D. Lewis
Reprinted with permission from Helena D. Lewis