(Information on manners culled from years of syndicated columns by Judith Martin, "Miss Manners" and the example of my beloved grandmother)
Holidays are often difficult for survivors. We feel
sad that our families didn't match the big, happy
Brady Bunch stereotypes we thought everyone else
had. If we are preparing a feast or celebration, we
get overstressed and overwhelmed. Seeing our
families of origin is even worse. The secrets and
undercurrents are unbearable. Someone may even try
to force you to "be polite" to your perpetrator.
However we spend the holidays, disassociation,
flashbacks, panic attacks, and eating problems often
resurface. Stress-related health problems may flare up. By preparing ourselves beforehand, we
can lessen the negative effects of the holidays
Surviving a Family Visit
You feel obligated to spend the holidays with your parents and/or other family members. You may be revisiting the place where the abuse happened. The abuser may be there, or people may talk about the abuser as if s/he is wonderful. My stomach is in knots just thinking about it!
Guess Who's Coming to Your House
If the family comes to your house, remember that it is indeed your house. Your house, your rules. You do not ever have to let your abuser into your home. If people ask why he can't visit and you don't want to explain, tell them to ask him as you don't wish to discuss it [this advice from a Miss Manners column several years ago].
If people are critical of your housekeeping, decorating, or lifestyle, they are being bad guests. When we visit people we care about, do we criticize? Of course not! Yet our relatives feel free to hurt our feelings. This is a flaw in them, not you! [During one visit to my home, Mom and Grandma were strangely silent. When I left the room, I heard them whispering to each other that they couldn't believe how nice my place was. They never admitted a thing to my face. I stopped worrying about their opinions after that!] If they don't like your cooking or your housekeeping, invite them to pitch in and do the work to their specifications. I bet they decline.
If your relatives get nasty or try to start a fight, throw them out. If they are harsh to your children, make them stop. You are in charge of your children and no one has the right to abuse them. Children often pick up on the tension in their parents and act out (misbehave) because of it. Time out and reassurance is better than shouting, verbal abuse, or punishment. If your relatives get out of hand, threaten to call the police. But don't threaten unless you mean it. [My family of origin is very middle class and WASP. They wouldn't dream of calling the police unless there were burglars. When my mother(nonoffending parent, in regards to incest) slapped my child against my express wishes, she refused to stop. She refused to leave. She didn't believe I would call the police until I had the phone in my hand. Then she went pale and walked out. This experience was very empowering for me. She never hit my children again or raised her voice to us. I never thought I'd have the nerve to stand up to my mother. It was the best thing I ever did!] You deserve to be respected and you have the right to be safe in your own home.
It's a good idea to avoid serving alcohol or other recreational drugs. I also limit sugar and spicy foods. The kids react to sugar by getting hyperactive and irritable. So do adults. I limit the spicy foods because I tend to get indigestion when stressed out. During my 20's visits, from my relatives were usually preceded by migraine and followed by days of abdominal pain. I would binge eat from the stress. While recovering I learned to keep in the house only foods that wouldn't sicken me or trigger binges. There's nothing wrong with serving healthy foods. If people criticize your cooking, suggest very sweetly that they go to a restaurant next time, or bring a covered dish.
Visiting Your Relatives
This is very painful. If the abuser is going to be there. I strongly suggest not going. You have the right to be safe. You have the right to never see that person again. If people who know about the abuse insist on you being in the same house as the abuser, they are absolutely wrong. If they claim you are "ruining things," you can point out that s/he ruined things by choosing to abuse. Anyone who would rather have an abuser in the house than you, doesn't deserve your company. This may seem harsh but it's true.
If you haven't told about the abuse and aren't ready to, just say you've had a falling out and don't wish to see that person. Insist that it's too painful to talk about. I believe in telling everyone about the abuse, but only when you, the survivor, are ready to. Anyone who truly cares about you, won't insist on you being with someone you can't stand, even if they don't know why you can't stand the person.
Over the River and Through the Woods
OK, you've decided to visit the family anyway. The first danger is the trip to their house. If you're too upset to drive, let someone else do it, or take a cab. If you have a partner, you may find yourself fighting with him or her. This is especially true if your parents fought on holidays and/or in the car. Discuss this with your partner beforehand so it isn't taken personally. Play soothing music in the car.
If you have children, they may pick up on the tension and misbehave. While you can't allow distracting behavior in the car, resist the urge to yell or hit them. This is especially true if you fought with your siblings in the car, or if your parents yelled at or hit you in the car. You may be unreasonably angry at normal kid behavior, continuing the pattern your parents set. Avoid giving the children sugary food or soda before, during and after the trip. Bring a kid's music recording, or play soothing music on the radio. If the children misbehave, pull over and tell them the car doesn't go until they are silent. This always works. I've used it on kids who were considered incorrigible. Trust me.
At Your Relatives' Abode
Being in your family's home will probably cause flashbacks. Even if it's not the house you grew up in. You may feel small and powerless. Your relatives may unconsciously encourage this feeling. Use your visualizations, or whatever techniques work best for you. Remember that you are an adult now and you can always leave.
Avoid sugary foods and foods you think might make you sick. If you get migraine or other headaches, consider taking medication beforehand. Have medication with you for headaches, indigestion, or any condition you have. People often pressure us to eat foods we say are bad for us. This is bad manners on their part. It is perfectly polite for you to say, "No thanks, that food disagrees with me." Don't make yourself sick to please others! People will actually respect you more if you stand firm and refuse to overeat, or eat things that make you sick.
Making a Graceful Exit
Avoid alcohol or recreational drugs. Avoid people using drugs privately. If people are overindulging in alcohol or getting high on chemicals, leave immediately. You hae the right to be safe. If you have brought children, you have the responsibility of keeping them safe. You MUST take the children away immediately!
And if the abuser turns up anyway, get out of there. An unwitting relative may think they are healing the family by forcing a reconciliation. You deserve to be safe. If you've brought children, they deserve to be safe. You can say simply, "thanks for the lovely time. We have to go now." If anyone objects, repeat, "we have to go now" as you leave. Keep repeating it nicely, but firmly. Leave!
Assuming everything went fairly well, the time to leave will soon come. You probably don't want a long visit, so leave before things get too uncomfortable. Also, trust your instincts. Leave before:
the kids act up out of exhaustion or boredom
People start getting drunk or using drugs
People start an after-dinner argument [especially if this is a family pattern]
You can't take the stress anymore. Thank your hostess or host as above, and leave. Resist the urge to stay just a little while longer if your instincts are telling you to leave. You are in charge of your own schedule!
Points to Remember
Know
that a certain amount of depression or sadness is
normal for anyone this time of year. It's OK to
have feelings.
You don't
have to be the perfect Mom, Dad, son or daughter. You are a good person who deserves respect.
You can delegate work to others. Everything doesn't have to be perfect. Martha Stewart is
not watching over you!
Holiday expectations are never fully realized. The important thing is to have a decent time and to be safe.
Be good to yourself. Take time to meditate and worship your deity or deities of choice.
Cleansing baths, smudging, grounding--whatever you
do to feel grounded and purified, are necessary and
you need feel no guilt for taking the time to do
them.
Be assertive. Most of us are afraid of making a scene...starting a fight...ruining it for everyone else... In fact you can stand up for yourself in a polite, well-mannered way. The manners part keeps people from being able to object or bully you.
You do not have to sit
next to your perpetrator and it's actually rude of
people to try to force you. You can firmly and
politely insist on sitting next to your favorite
aunt--even if its news to her that she's your
favorite!
You can excuse yourself from talking
to anyone, or about anything, that upsets you.
Change the subject, or go to the powder room, or excuse yourself to go help in the kitchen or elsewhere. If you're not sitting at the table, "mingle." It's OK to say you have to go talk to someone else now.
Feel free to take a break anytime you feel yourself getting stressed out. No one can object to you visiting the powder room.
Remember, everybody
loves to talk about themselves. If conversation is
uncomfortable, ask a nonoffending relative or guest
lots of questions about his work, opinions, etc.
Boredom is better than the alternatives.
If
things are too uncomfortable, say you
don't feel well and leave. If you're in your own home, either ask everyone to go home, or go to your room and let your partner deal with your family [yes, you'll owe your partner big time!]. Your mother [or whoever]
may pry, or try to force you to stay. Insist that
you have a headache and leave anyway. It's true,
you really don't feel well and your family IS a headache.
Enjoying the Holidays
For those of us who have left our families of
origin behind, the holidays can be sad and lonely.
Here in California, people form "families of choice."
This are friends, nonoffending relatives, coven
members, etc. who have bonded into a family. This
Thanksgiving we're going to my High Priestess's
sister's house [both incest survivors] with my
husband, two sons, and my nonpagan brother-in-law.
There will be various members of our local pagan
community, elderly poets, etc. etc. I look forward
to these family events far more than anything my
family of origin ever did together.
The Day After
The day after the Holiday is always depressing.
Recognize that this is in part a natural, physical
reaction to the stress and work of the day before. Even when things go well, there is always a letdown. Plan something quiet and fun for the day after, like board games and videos, or a trip to the movies.
A little peppermint tea or a good detox blend will
also help if you overindulged in food or drink the day before. Visit the Healing Grove Club for support. Congratulate yourself on surviving another nonpagan holiday!
Copyright 2000 by Holly Harwood Goodwin All Rights Reserved
