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Related Articles

To Hug or Not to Hug, That is the Question
The original story of being maliciously accused of child abuse by the parish priest.

To Hug or Not to Hug, II
Update to the story and excerpts from the messages posted by readers.

Forgiveness and Judgment
Where does a woman turn for support when falsely accused of child abuse?

Denial Does Not Mean Denial, II
An example of a quarter century of denial by an abused wife in spite of ample evidence.

Selective Denial
Even when we are aware of being abused, we may still deny certain aspects of it which are too painful to remember.

Denial Does Not Mean Denial, I

by Traute Klein, biogardener

Denial is a defense mechanism and survival skill of the subconscious, not a refusal to admit facts.

Denial of Abuse

When a victim does not acknowledge the reality of abuse, we say that she is in denial, and we figure that she is too ashamed or too afraid to admit the truth of her situation. She is well aware of it and is simply hiding it from others. I was 66 years old before I was told that this is not the whole story of what "denial" means. Even then, I did not believe what I heard until I checked it out with the dictionary.

Dictionary Definition of Denial

denial noun

1. A refusal to comply with or satisfy a request.
2.a. A refusal to grant the truth of a statement or allegation; a contradiction.
2.b. Law. The opposing by a defendant of an allegation of the plaintiff.
3.a. A refusal to accept or believe something, such as a doctrine or belief.
3.b. Psychology. An unconscious defense mechanism characterized by refusal to acknowledge painful realities, thoughts, or feelings.
4. The act of disowning or disavowing; repudiation.
5. Abstinence; self-denial.

From the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language
© 1992 by Houghton Mifflin Company.

There it is. To a psychologist, denial is an unconscious defense mechanism characterized by refusal to acknowledge painful realities, thoughts, or feelings. When the reality of the abuse is too painful to admit, the conscious mind is able to create a false reality by overpainting it with a rosy tinge.

Application to Abuse

When we see abuse we tend to say:


• "Why doesn't she leave?"
  
• "Why doesn't she call the police?"
  
• "Why is she defending his actions?"

Even social workers, lawyers, and judges are ignorant of what denial really means. They have probably been informed, but their actions prove that the truth has not sunk in. Many of them treat every abuse victim as though she knows what is happening to her. They treat the woman as though she is deliberately misrepresenting the facts when she does not report abuse accurately or when she withdraws her complaint.

The woman is not necessarily lying because she is afraid. She may see the facts through the rose-colored glasses of denial, the defense mechanism which presents the world in a manner which is acceptable to her subconscious mind, a mind which is too vulnerable to accept the abuse as real.

Lawmakers need to take a long look at this concept of denial. They need to do away with the statute of limitation when it comes to abuse, because it might take decades before the victim becomes aware of it.

Manitoba has a law which forces the police to lay charges when they see domestic abuse, even if the victim withdraws her complaint. That law is an attempt to deal with the victim's denial, but unfortunately it does not protect the victim from the revenge of the abuser when he is free again. Several Manitoba women have died at the hand of their estranged partners against whom they had a protection order.

Dealing with Denial

What can you and I do when we see one of our friends in denial? She is not going to listen to reason, and I illustrate that point in "Denial Does Not Mean Denial, II," linked in the left column along with other related articles. I have, however, some suggestion of what would be helpful.

An abusive spouse or boyfriend will work at isolating his partner from her friends and family. If we see a woman withdraw from friends to spend more time with her husband, we should be alarmed. We should certainly not let her have her way but make every effort to keep in touch without making her feel that we are trying to protect her. She needs to know that we will always be there for her with our unconditional loving support.

It may take years till the victim wakes up to her dilemma, but when she does, she needs to have friends whom she can trust and in whom she can confide. We need to be there for her with a healing hug and with practical support.