30 Days Before Pesach Bist-du meshugge?! Exodus - in computer command language Tefilat HaDerech Akedat Yitzchok Talis Fish Hagbeh Arguing in Synagogue The Rabbi and the Priest
30 Days Before Pesach
I had 12 bottles of whiskey in my cellar and I was instructed by my wife to empty each and every bottle down the sink, so I proceeded with the task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth sink, poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink, and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses, and sinks with the other, which were 29, and put the houses in one bottle, which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incohol, but thinke peep I am. I'm not half so thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
top of the page
Bist-du meshugge?!
Two old friends, Moshe and Chaim, haven't seen or spoken to each other since the 30's, when Moshe emigrated from Germany.
Fifty years have passed. Chaim, a new immigrant, is on deck as his ship is arriving in Haifa port. Moshe, who's leaving Israel, is standing on another ship which is just sailing out towards Europe.
They see each other for the first time in 50 years and each calls out to the other:
"Bist-du meshugge?!"
Exodus - in computer command language
>Release ISRAEL ISRAEL running in slave mode, cannot release >Set ISRAEL;mode=master Pharaoh already running in master mode, cannot change ISRAEL >Set Pharaoh;mode=slave Command ignored >Load Moshe/Moses Done >Deactivate Pharaoh Pharaoh account hard locked;cannot be deactivated >For i=1 to 10 do plagues Are you sure? Y Done >Release ISRAEL error: ISRAEL uninitialized >Set ISRAEL = 600,000 Done >Release ISRAEL ISRAEL released >Declare Matza;array(width=20,length=20,height=0) Done >Move ISRAEL to Sinai OPERATOR WARNING! SYSTEM ABOUT TO CRASH! PHARAOH AND RED SEA HAVE LIMITED YOUR MEMORY SPACE! SAVE YOUR WORK! >Save ISRAEL Specify save device >Save ISRAEL with miracle Done >Move ISRAEL to Sinai Done >For I=1 to 10 do commandments Allocation conflict:Commandments cannot be operated with active golden calf routine >Destroy calf Done >For I=1 to 10 do commandments Done; commandments stored on hard rock device >Move ISRAEL to desert Warning! Command could lead to infinite loop >Move ISRAEL to desert;limit=40 years Done >Build Mishkan Syntax error >Build Mishkan;owner=Betzalel Done >Move ISRAEL to ISRAEL Warning: operand terms must be unique >Move ISRAEL to CANAAN Overload: cannot move all of ISRAEL to CANAAN >set ISRAEL = ISRAEL - (SPIES * 10) Done >Move ISRAEL to CANAAN Done >Happy Pesach/Passover To you too ! top of the page
ISRAEL running in slave mode, cannot release
>Set ISRAEL;mode=master
Pharaoh already running in master mode, cannot change ISRAEL
>Set Pharaoh;mode=slave
Command ignored
>Load Moshe/Moses
Done
>Deactivate Pharaoh
Pharaoh account hard locked;cannot be deactivated
>For i=1 to 10 do plagues
Are you sure? Y
>Release ISRAEL
error: ISRAEL uninitialized
>Set ISRAEL = 600,000
ISRAEL released
>Declare Matza;array(width=20,length=20,height=0)
>Move ISRAEL to Sinai
OPERATOR WARNING! SYSTEM ABOUT TO CRASH! PHARAOH AND RED SEA HAVE LIMITED YOUR MEMORY SPACE! SAVE YOUR WORK!
>Save ISRAEL
Specify save device
>Save ISRAEL with miracle
>For I=1 to 10 do commandments
Allocation conflict:Commandments cannot be operated with
active golden calf routine
>Destroy calf
Done; commandments stored on hard rock device
>Move ISRAEL to desert
Warning! Command could lead to infinite loop
>Move ISRAEL to desert;limit=40 years
>Build Mishkan
Syntax error
>Build Mishkan;owner=Betzalel
>Move ISRAEL to ISRAEL
Warning: operand terms must be unique
>Move ISRAEL to CANAAN
Overload: cannot move all of ISRAEL to CANAAN
>set ISRAEL = ISRAEL - (SPIES * 10)
>Happy Pesach/Passover
To you too !
Tefilat HaDerech
Concerning cars:
Someone once asked his rabbi why, in our day, we pray for protection from `wild beasts' when traveling by car? From which `wild beasts' do we need protection?
"The other drivers," the rabbi answered.
Akedat Yitzchok
Avraham Avinu wants to upgrade his PC to Windows '95. Yitzhak is incredulous. "Pop," he says, "you can't run Windows '95 on your old, slow 386! Everybody knows that you need at least a fast 486 with a minimum of 16 megas of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows '95."
But Avraham, the man of faith, gazes calmly at his son and replies, "God will provide the RAM, my son."
Talis
One Shabbat a man spilled grape juice on his talit. The very next day he brought it to the cleaners. When the time came to pick it up, he was stunned see the bill for $50.
"Fifty dollars!" he shouted. "To clean one little talit?"
"Do you have any idea how long it took me to get out all those little knots!" the dry-cleaner replied.
Fish
(The Talmud prohibits eating fish and meat together, as it can be unhealthy.)
Teacher: Bobby, use the word `officiate' in a sentence. Bobby: A man got sick from officiate.
Hagbeh
True Story: A certain person claimed that his father's departed soul returned to this world every Shabbat, and attended synagogue services. Week after week, he would call his father to the Torah, listening attentively to what he claimed was the faint sound of his father's blessing.
When word of this reached the ears of Rabbi Yaakov Kamenetsky, zatzal, he smiled and said, "Next week, tell him to give his father hagbah."
Arguing in Synagogue
A young scholar from New York was invited to become Rabbi in a small old community in Chicago. On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.
Next day, the rabbi visited 98 year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing home. "Mr. Katz, I'm asking you as the oldest member of the community," said the rabbi, "what is our synagogue's custom during the reading of the Ten Commandments?"
"Why do you ask?" asked Mr. Katz.
"Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down... "
"That," said the old man "is our custom."
The Rabbi and the Priest
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from G-d. G-d must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely."
"This must be a sign from G-d." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely G-d wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
External Links: I take no responsibility for the content of the following links The Jewish Humor Archives
Got any kosher humor to share? Know of a good CLEAN humor site?
This site designed by Avi Kovacs, and hosted by Get your own Free Home Page!