You are gone and now only your memories fill our hearts.

In all of the events surrounding your illness, hospitalization and death, I wanted people to see that as Christians we too suffer as others but, that there is a comfort and a peace that others don't have. I prayed that in our trials, that others would see Jesus. And they did!

After you left, and before we left the hospital, Dr. Carter came back into the room and he told us that he could tell that we were a family of religion. He said that he was a born again Christian and that he wanted us to know that we had been a real testimony to him of living faith. Who could ask for anything more!

It was a grand funeral Mom, I think you would have liked it. Grant wrote the 'Tribute' and it was a wonderful example of the Christian heritage that has been passed on. Your Youth Pastor spoke to the Grand Children and Pastor Ron spoke of your faith and the things that were important to you. The Senior Group sang. Steve Bell was in town the weekend of your funeral and his schedule allowed him to sing. Paul and his piano teacher played the 'Halleujah Chorus' and we sang your favorite songs along with the 'Doxology'. It was a service that was so full of triumph. Ken came. Some people from Bruce's work came. Jace came. Many of our Home Group came. Some of my former employees came, some I hadn't seen in more than 2 years. Other friends came, Peter & Michelle, Frank & Joanne, Stan & Dorothy and the best part is that they all heard the gospel, and they all saw that inspite of our grief, Christ is the victory!

The support that we received from your church was outstanding. Each day from the day you passed away until after the funeral, they brought in whole meals! They came with love and hearts so full of compassion. For the most part, they have continued to carry on being there for Dad!

And Harry! Mom, Harry has been such a blessing. He spends time each week with Dad. They may not do things that you or I would think appropriate but it has been a great help to Dad and I don't have words to adequately express how it has helped me!



I always knew it would be hard, but I didn't know it would hurt this bad. And for Dad, the pain is almost more than he can bear. I'm not at all sure that he will survive, he misses you so much and he is so very very lonely. And Bruce, I don't think I'll see much of him anymore, you were the glue that held the family together - I've tried but it just isn't the same. Our lives are worlds apart.

The day you left, Amy wrote her Physics Exam. We waited until the exam was over before we told her you had gone. What hurt was that I didn't get to tell you that she passed that exam and that it brought her mark up so that she passed the course.

Even though in my heart I'd known that your time here was coming to an end, there is so much I didn't say! You were never one to worry about tomorrow and yet both Dad and I, needed to know some of the things you would have liked done after you were gone.

I stayed strong while your family were out for the funeral and for awhile afterward. It was so hard but I did it for you. You never talked much about death, you never allowed us to prepare for your death.

I hope that you and Granma and all the others, welcomed Grant with open arms. He was truly wonderful Mom. I truly believe that God used your death and funeral as an invitation to Grant to see the faith that he had neglected most of his years. Dad and Grant had the chance to sit and talk about the condition of his spiritual heart. Who would have guessed that 2 days later, Grant would have passed away! It's been terribly hard on his kids and if I could wish for anything, it would be to be able to be closer in distance to them, to help them through their time of sorrow.

Then of course, you were all there to welcome Auntie Dot home. Her prayers were finally answered and 2 days after the funeral of Grant, she finally went home.



It's been four months today since you left and the pain is still so very hard to live with. I miss you so much.

It's hard trying to live life without you. Although I prayed that God would take you home and that He would allow me to be there when you left. His granting my requests, hasn't made it any easier to live life without you being here.

I've learned lots of things though! I've had the prayer support of so many wonderful friends, especially those I've made over the internet. I don't think I would have made it this far without them.

I've learned the truth of the verses that God spoke, 'for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also'. Suddenly, the things of this world have lost their importance and my eyes are on those things that will have eternal value.



It's Summer now and the kids have completed another year of school. Amy worked hard this year and it was a hard year for her but she did well. Her final average was 71%, I'm so very proud of her. There are some subjects that I wish her marks had been higher in but I really can't complain - she did put the work in and she did do her best, to me that's what is important. Stephen's, overall average was 72%. his marks going into his exams weren't that great but he 'aced' all of his final exams and it really raised his final marks! He truly is a bright boy. I decided that I needed to encourage him for his high marks but what I'm really trying to do is to encourage him to put some effort into his schooling so that when he graduates, he will be able to go into any career option that he wants! He has the greatest ability out of the three kids, to be able to achieve the very best. I wish Brian had just some of what Stephen does! But, his days of formal education now are over. At this point anyway, he has no interest in even upgrading! I'm afraid that his education now will be those lessons that life will teach him...

Brian had his first relationship with a girl! At 20, I couldn't say it's too early! He hasn't been ready and in the two or three dates he had with this girl, he found out that he still is not ready for a relationship. He is learning though and I've seen some maturity these past few months. He has some good friends but he has some friends that I really wish he didn't but at 20, what can I say. He's still at home and for that I'm grateful. Life is not going to be easy for Brian and I'm going to be praying for him until my last breath.

Amy is working steadily at the theatre and is doing well. She is wanting to get her licence and so that is our summer project. She says that she doesn't want to participate in any of the graduation events next spring but I am working hard at promoting how special a time it will be and some of the things that we will do to make it special. She deserves a graduation that will give credit for all the work that she has put into her education. If either Brian or Stephen put in the work that Amy has, they would be far ahead of where they are now! Your only grand daughter is an exceptional gal.

Stephen has changed a lot in the past couple of months. For his 13th birthday he became taller than his mother!!! His voice has been cracking for a couple of months, his hair is becoming 'curly' and 'course' and more and more like his Dad's! He is tall and he is skinny (yes, I've got a skinny child!) and he is becoming a 'computer neurd'! Learning is easy for Stephen and so I am working to encourage him to stretch and reach out and try new things. I am teaching him everything I know about computers and programming which isn't a lot but it's a start. I'm hoping that his imagination will take over where I leave off!



I can't seem to get into the spirit of holidays this year. I even asked Bill if we could forget going away. There's so much work that needs to be done around the house anyway. Somehow being away makes me think of last summer, how frail you were and how I spent most of my time worrying about you! While you're no longer here to worry about, Dad is. He's working really hard at becoming independent and doing things on his own, but it isn't easy. I have a hard time 'enjoying life' when I know how sad Dad is.

I've been doing some work around the house. We're working on the fence, I've started digging and making gardens in the back, I've painted my front door - red - just for Granma! The Chinese say that a red door brings good fortune to the occupants of the house. I'll keep you posted on that theory!



I found something beautiful that I'd like to leave here. When I saw it, it made me think of you.





Oh Mom, I hope you are rejoicing up there tonight for another of God's children accepted the Lord this evening (August 7, 1998). She is a gal I met on the internet who lives in North Bay, Ontario. The internet has been such an avenue of ministry for me and this was just so exciting. I have seen others recommit their lives and some who had been beaten down by life's struggles gain faith by seeing others take interest in their life and lift them up in prayer but this was my first actual rebirth. A day I will not for a long time to come.



We took Dad on Monday (August 3rd) and went for an outing! We went to Pincher Creek for lunch and then on to visit the Frank Slide exhibit, toured a Coal Mine and Coal Colleries and then over to Fort McLeod for dinner before returning home later in the evening. He had some sad moments but was really appreciative to have been able to get away and do something. We had a good time and a good day all of us. Only Brian did not go.

We have asked Dad to go on holidays with us but I'm not sure that he will. It may be too big a task for him still - but we are trying. The more he is able to get out and go places, the easier it will become for him. Last week, being the six month anniversary of your passing, was hard on us all and although Dad has not talked about it much, there have been a lot of tears in his eyes. He is so very lonely without you and even though Bruce and I work at keeping in touch with him, it is still hard for him to fill his days. He is feeling very old and is beginning to rest more. These are signs of depression and I don't know what to do to combat it other than to pray. It is at some of these times, that I find myself angry with you feeling that you are responsible for Dad's sadness. I know in my mind that this is wrong but my own heart breaks for Dad as his is broken without you.

We all know that death is a part of life but until death takes a loved one, we don't truly know the depth of pain that goes along with it.



The time creeps on but the pain doesn't seem to lessen! Auntie Norma called me today. She was reading in Chatelaine Magazine an article titled, Missing Girlfriend! They had people write into the magazine the names of girlfriends they would like to find. I guess this is the 3rd year that they have run this. As Auntie Norma was scanning through the list of names, she found mine - imagine that! So I called the magazine and you will never guess who was looking for me - Margo Monugian! They gave me her address and phone number and so I am going to get into contact with her. After all these years, who would have imagined this! I don't remember what camp it was that we met at but you would know. I do remember going to her house for a visit and being deathly sick. What you didn't know at the time was that I had taken a bottle of asprin, 500 count. I learned that asprin doesn't kill but it does make you deathly ill! I am so glad that I have gained some wisdom since those days!



I've been thinking about you and started writing out some of my thoughts. I'd like to share them here.

I never had the chance to tell you Mom about how much you've done for me. You taught me how to live again, how to love, and how to forgive. You taught me how to understand, how to learn, and how to teach. There's no more time left to tell you how much I love you and always will. There's not enough paper in the world to write it all down but you've been the inspiration of my life, my mentor, my prayer warrior, my strength in times of trials. You've always pointed me to God and in Him do I trust. My life will never be the same now that you're gone but I will carry you with me always, in my heart and in my soul.

My head gets filled with thoughts, and my heart is filled with pain. I love you so much and I can't wait to see you again. I know you are in Heaven with the angels, and that God is looking after you. I praise His name for giving you to me and letting me have you for a while. Still, somedays I don't know how I'll go on but I know that you would want me not to grieve. But I can't seem to help myself at this point and time. It's still too much to bear. I don't want to feel this ache in my heart anymore, I don't want to feel the pain. But I do and Dad does even more. Knowing your are better off, doesn't seem to help.

I'm told the pain will ease with time, I'm not so sure it will. But I never will forget you, my love and appreciation for you will never end. You will stay in my heart forever.

Oh Mom!!! I miss you so...am I keeping myself in misery by dwelling on the past? It's still all too fresh...I can't seem to stay strong no matter how I try and I do, I really do. I wish you could come back to us...I miss you...we all miss you...but that is not to be.

Pray for us Mom...that God will give us peace that only He can give. Not peace from the world but true peace. Pray our hearts will begin to mend and that we will be able to enjoy life and be able to start living once again.



Today, September 20, 1998, a tree was planted and dedicated in your name. I didn't want to go, to dredge up all these memories I hold inside, of your last days here. But it had to be. Now we are all sad again and have to start the process all over.

It was a lovely day really. There were about 5,000 people in attendance. They had 2 people speak about the loved ones they have lost. One was a christian and what he said was comforting and encouraging. The other, was not and talked about feeling her daughter in the wind and the trees and knowing that her spirit was always nearby! It really made me sad to listen to the words and hear the hopelessness that came from the mother of the child. While I was sad, I was sure glad that we have the knowledge that we will see you again - and that, made the rest of the day a little better to handle.



Thanksgiving was different this year! Bill and I took a week and went out to the lake. We had some quiet time alone, watched the Salmon as they returned from the ocean to the exact spot where they hatched 4 years earlier, and not it was their turn to spawn and then die.

The second weekend we were there was Thanksgiving and so Brian drove Dad's car and brought Dad, Amy & Stephen. We shopped at Safeway and bought pre-made packages of turkey, gravy, sweet potatoes and then I added potatoes and dessert and things, to make it a real meal. It was wierd not having a turkey to look after, but it was simple to do and I think it helped us through that time. We didn't sit around but we kept busy and did things and I guess, we sort of started a new tradition or at least took away the grief from this year. Dad had a good time too, it was his first time being away from home but he handled it well.



The kids have changed again! They seem to be growing up so quickly. Brian has changed jobs a couple of times but he is a good worker, a hard worker and is striving to be better. He still wastes his money - but at 20, there's not a lot I can do.

Amy is working hard in school. She is under a tremendous amount of pressure at school. She is doing well in her job at the theatre, she now has a supervisor position and even got a raise. She got her licence and now she and Brian plead their cases to see who gets the van! Actually it is Amy who gets it first, Brian has had his licence for over 3 years and has had plenty of time and money, that had he chosen, he could have fixed and put insurance on his vehicle! I guess we are trying to make him realize the consequences of his choices.

Stephen is continuing to do well at school. He is growing like a week and now is taller than Amy. That means I'm the official 'short' member of this family!

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